Funniest joke wins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!
Question: - One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
- The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a
doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher; ...she's dead."
One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive. She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.
After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, "Aren`t you going to arrest me?".
The cop asked, "why?"
She replied, "Cause I was drinking and driving!"
The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, "We can`t arrest you if you`re driving while drinking water!"
There were two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "whoa! Its getting hot in here!" The other muffin says, "HOLY CRAP!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
~~~~~
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
~~~~~
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
~~~~~
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
~~~~~
Where is God?
Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.
The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?"
A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.
Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"
Little Johnny replied, "I'm in BIG trouble this time... God is missing and they think I did it!"
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Answers: - One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
- The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a
doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher; ...she's dead."
One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive. She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.
After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, "Aren`t you going to arrest me?".
The cop asked, "why?"
She replied, "Cause I was drinking and driving!"
The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, "We can`t arrest you if you`re driving while drinking water!"
There were two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "whoa! Its getting hot in here!" The other muffin says, "HOLY CRAP!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
~~~~~
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
~~~~~
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
~~~~~
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
~~~~~
Where is God?
Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.
The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?"
A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.
Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"
Little Johnny replied, "I'm in BIG trouble this time... God is missing and they think I did it!"
--------------------------------------...
Dude, you totally stole mine with the talkin muffin one. It's a classic!
Jesus and a guy(I forgot who..) were arguing over who was the best. God told them to work in a regular office for awhile. Jesus and the guy typed furiously and suddenly there was a blackout. When the power came back on, the guy was surprised to see see Jesus calmly printing out all his work, while he himself had lost all of it. When Jesus won, the guy screamed that Jesus had Cheated. God answered him with two words: Jesus saves.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me!"
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.
13. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
14. Virgin Mary is NOT Mary with the Cherry.
Some people try to hard, it's pathetic, ok here's mine.
I went to Heaven and found Hell, I went to Hell and found Heaven. Was there a mix-up in directions? No. Apparently, God hates FuN and Satan loves celebrities, models, musicians, and all the blaze people confuse with fire is pure gold. Hell is an Atheist paradise. A world where SiN is just a word without meaning.
a blonde goes up to the vounter and asks the lady at the front "CAN I HAVE A CHEESE BURGER?"
the lady responds...maam...this is a library
The blonde, fealing totally stupid whispers "oooooo im sorry.....can i have a cheese burger"
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Peter: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
Read More on
Okay, here goes:
*There are 4 people named Somebody, Stupid, Ugly, and Nobody.* Somebody finds Nobody who hates Stupid. Stupid said she had a crush on Nobody, while poiting at Ugly. Then Ugly said, 'But wait, I am Ugly! Not Nobody!' Then Nobody says I thought you liked me, Stupid!' Then Stupid says: Don't call me stupid! Then Nobody said, 'I meant, that's your name, retard!' Then Stupid said: Hey....My name is Stupid, not retard! Then Ugly says: Will somebody please shut up?! Then Somebody says: 'I am not even talking, Ugly!' Then Ugly says, 'That's mean! I AM NOT UGLY!' Then Somebody says: 'I said that, because that's your name!' Then Ugly says: 'OOOOOOHHHH....I see.....haha, my bad.'*The End!!!!*
A cop stopped me for speeding. Then he asked me,.."Have you been drinking? Your eyes look red ! "
I looked at him and said,
"Have you been eating donuts? Your eyes look glazed" lol
I get outta jail in a few days. lol
I'm living on glazed donuts and wish I had a drink. lol
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My wife surprised me on my birthday by standing there with only plastic wrap covering her. When I saw this all I could think of saying was....
"leftovers....again?"
That's the year i didn't get ANYTHING !
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes, and then?" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
World's funniest joke, or so the research says..........
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the hog I have made love with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
A little boy wrote to Santa ...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."