I am a wannabe author! would you mind......?!
Question: reading my story? here it is:
Part A:I woke up, it was 9:07AM, I slipped on my orange, fuzzy slippers and walked down the pure gold stairs that took me to the kitchen. When I got downstairs I made a peach and vanilla smoothie. I went back upstairs and put on my skinny jeans, giraffe covered tube-top and my Baby Phat sneakers, then I drank my smoothie and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my wavy, midnight black hair. Then I headed off to school. Just to let you know I have the biggest house in Beverly Hills. My name is Charley and I’m a 14 year old girl. I have a lot of friends but I only talk about four special ones: Clarice, Will, Skye, and Naomi. I am very popular but I’m not the snobby, poppin’ lipgloss kind. I’m popular because I’m nice to everyone and I’m a good sport. When I got to school I met up with my best friend Naomi. Naomi and I are like sisters. Naomi has short, brunette, curly hair, and beautiful green eyes. “Hey Naomi. Wanna go for a jog around the field to get our day started? ” I asked. “ Remember Charley, I have asthma.” “Oh yeah. I forgot. Then what do you want to do?” I finally asked. The bell rang, “I think I would like to get to class.” Naomi answered. I rolled my eyes. We headed to our lockers and there we saw Will. He looked sad. Naomi went to class and I ran up to Will. “What’s Will?” I questioned. Will snuffled “Lucy died.” Will answered then he started crying. “YOUR LITTLE SISTER DIED?” I yelled with shock. “No silly. Lucy is…. Well was my big pretty parrot.” Will snuffled again. I hugged him “I’m so sorry but isn’t that your fourth parrot that died this month?” Will gave me a dirty look then went to class. I followed. My teacher is Mr. Mac. He is a really cool teacher and he’s 20 years old. Mr. Mac has that rockstar look that makes girls go “ahhhh” like when you get into a hot tub kind of way. The first thing Mr. Mac said was “Now class you have to write a memoir. You can do anything as long as what you picked can be done by Friday.” Everyone moaned. The bell rang, everybody ran outside so fast it was like a pack of talking cheetahs ran by. I was one of those people. When I got outside and onto the field I noticed this guy that looked like Cody Linley. He looked lonely so I went up to him to say hi. When I finished talking to him all I found out was that his name is Jack, he is 14, and he thinks that monkeys caused global warming. I walked out of the field and met up with Skye. I asked her where Clarice, Naomi, and Will were. “Naomi is inside talking to Mr. Mac, Clarice went home stuck with the flu, and Will went to host his parrot’s funeral.” Skye answered. I told Skye about Jake, She laughed. The bell rang to go inside, Skye and I slowly walked to the door talking about what we were doing for our memoirs. “I’m doing moving to Beverly Hills” Skye said. “I’m doing meeting Naomi.” I said proudly. When we got inside Skye went to Mr. Mac’s class but I kept walking because in grade 9 you switch classes. As I continued walking I saw Jack zooming down the hall then BANG I went flying to the ground and the last thing I saw before everything went black was a whack of people crowding around me. When I woke up I found myself….. Well actually I didn’t know where I was because everything was blurry to the extreme! I heard someone yell “SHE’S AWAKE! EVERYONE SHE’S AWAKE!” It was my mom! I started yelling “Where am I? What’s going on?” I sorta saw my mom put something on my eyes and when she did everything went clear. “Mom….I’m, I’m BLIND!” I started crying. My mom hugged me and said “You can get contacts instead.” I nodded my head. The next day when I got to school Naomi asked me why my eyes were purple instead of brown. “When Jake bumped into me I had a concussion and went blind.” I answered at least 20 times. Naomi gave me that “OMG” look. I smiled then we both started laughing. Laughing is very contagious you know. We went inside the school and into class; it was a substitute for Mr. Mac. Naomi and I shrugged and we went in our seats. “Good morning class. I am Mrs. Mac. I will be substituting you for the week.” Everyone gasped; Mrs. Mac’s face went strawberry red. “Everyone, take out your memoirs. I will pick random people to read theirs in front of the class.” She demanded. Everybody got out their memoirs and sat up straight. “Charley!” She yelled. I stood up and started reading my memoir: Meeting Naomi. I was just walking into the school when I saw this girl. She looked new so I walked up to her and asked her if she wanted to be bffs. We went to the mall together, we helped each other with homework, and we went to junior prom together. We even talk on the phone for 2 hours at least! That is what best friends do. No one can be as good as a friend as Naomi. By: Charley. Naomi smiled and everyone started to clap. I bowed then went to my seat. The day went by super fast and the end of the day bell rang. I ran home and changed out of my uniform then went to the metro bus stop. The bus came 3 minutes later so I got on. It was a 3 hour drive to the mall from the bus stop so I put on my ipod touch. As the bus drove by the woods on the side of the highway I looked out the window since it was an amazing sight, all of a sudden a gas truck came zooming out of the woods with no-one in it and it was heading right at the number 12 metro bus! Everyone seemed calm so I yelled. “LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!” everyone looked out the window but it was already too late. The metro bus was already split in half and on fire. 3 people were already dead. I went under my seat then I heard a siren coming closer and closer to the bus. From under my chair I saw firemen boots running back and forth. The chair I was under collapsed. I felt pain, sorrow, worry, and fear. Someone pulled me out from under the chair then I felt nothing. “Naomi, stop crying! It’s going to be alright!” I said. “Skye! MY BEST FRIEND IS DEAD! DON’T TELL ME TO STOP CRYING!” Naomi screamed. I started to cry too. Naomi ran out of the school yard and I followed. “Naomi wait!” I yelled. Naomi ran into the old book store across from the Beverly Hills grave yard. It is totally against my families’ religion to go in there so I ran back to school. One day later I went to the funeral. When I got there I saw Naomi carrying and old fashioned leather covered book and a big bag of stuff. While Mr. Mac was saying a speech beside Charley’s burial spot I saw Naomi go up a flight of stairs up the side of the church that led to the room with all the bodies, I followed. I saw Naomi on her knees beside Charley’s coffin. She was putting stuff in it and saying stuff. “NAOMI!” I gasped. She quickly turned around and ran back outside. I slowly approached Charley’s coffin them BOOM I fell into and old guy’s coffin. “Ewwwwww!” I whispered. I got up and walked straight to Charley’s coffin. The image was comforting yet kinda creepy. Her black wavy hair was the same but her bright, happy face was as dull as the sky on a rainy day and she was as cold as an ice cube. I held her paralyzed hand and one of my tears hit her lips then her hand held mine. It felt so natural, so real, like a normal day at the mall but it wasn’t. Charley was dead. My hand slipped out of hers and I left the room. As I was walking down the stairs two buff men walked up, I stopped. I heard the men put the lid on the coffin then they came down again but they were holding my friends coffin without any care. I followed them. After everyone said their speech they buried Charley. When everyone was gone Naomi stayed, so did I just to make sure that she doesn’t steal Charley’s body. I hid behind Jennifer L. Jones’s gravestone and watched.` I heard a banging, I got up and ran. Naomi was running right behind me. “NAOMI, HAVE YOU GONE MAD!!? YOU WERE PUTTING STUFF IN OUR BFFS COFFIN YOU DOPE!” I screamed out-of-breath. “Shut-Up and keep running!” Naomi replied. We ran all the way to our houses.Later that night when I was watching “Stomp the Yard” In my hello kitty pajamas the door bell rang. “Who could it possibly be at this hour?” I thought. I went upstairs to get the door and when I opened it, it felt like the world has froze, It was Charley. I pinched my self and she was still there. Charley was the same beautiful girl as always. “Di di did you come back to life?” I whimpered. Charley nodded her head. I got wheezy. “Are you, are you….” I fainted. 2 hours later I woke up finding myself in a hospital surrounded by Will, Naomi, Clarice, and my parents. “What’s going on?” I asked. I turned to face the open door and there was Charley, when she saw me she walked away. “Why isn’t Charley here?” I asked, “Remember Skye, She died two days ago.” Will answered sadly. “But I just talked to her last night and I just saw her walk down the hall!” I screeched. Naomi gasped, everyone looked at her. “Um…. I saw a spider.” Naomi spurted. Naomi’s curly hair bounced. I got off the got and went outside. My cell phone started beeping to tell me I had a text message waiting. This was the whole conversation:Charley: CU@ Skool tomorrow! Skye: If u go 2 skool tomorrow everyone will kno u came bak 2 life! Charley: I wasn’t officially dead. I was a heartbeat away from death but u brought me bak 2 life. I turned off my phone and went back to the room I was in. My parents finally took me home. The next day when I walked into the class room everyone was crowding around Charley’s old desk. I started walking to her desk, she was telling her heartbeat story then she pointed at me. I smiled then said “You guys should give Charley some space. Go on now, shoo.Mr. Mac entered the class and said “IM ENGAGED TO MRS. JONES or should I say Mrs. Mac.” Everyone screamed like they just saw the grudge. After I recovered from that fact I asked “Mr. Mac, yesterday Mrs. Mac our sub said she was covering for her husband Lee Mac. That’s you. And I saw you checking out Ms. Hooney and flirting with the Spanish teacher Lisha.” Mr. Mac gave me detention for a week. When the bell rang everyone gave me a high-five. I went to the field with Charley. It was kinda awkward talking and walking with someone who was almost dead but hey, at least she’s alive and well. Part b I found Charley in the field, after I had ran to catch up with my other friends Skye, Will, and Clarice.OMG! I feel like I’ve forgotten to tell you something! MY NAME! I’m 15, my name is Naomi, and I moved here in grade 5 because, I had an asthma attack and everyone was making fun of me so we moved from New York to Beverley Hills.Everyone at my school likes my clothes from New York, That’s how I met Charley. She commented on my Bobby Jack t-shirt, and then she asked me to chill with her. I still don’t understand how a beautiful girl with long, midnight black, wavy hair, brown eyes, and so many freckles would want to play with me. Oh well. The bell rang and for the 3 minutes I knew her, It was true destiny for us to be bffs for life.This year my teacher is Mr. Mac, who was my teacher last year, the reason everyone says he switched grades was because Courtney Miekle was going to be in his class again. She couldn’t talk to boys because a part under her neck and above her belly button was too big. I bit my nails until lunch break, and counted the minutes until the bell rang. The oddest thing happened, Carl Garfield (the most girly guy ever) handed me a note. It said: Hey, Wanna hang out l8r or catch a movie? Call Me! 861-0283. Catch Ya Later girl, Jack Drisoll. P.S- Sorry, I only had a blue pen around.OMG! I said thanks for the note then I got on the bus and sat next to Jack. Wait a minute.... Isn’t Jack the guy who made Charley blind? Oh well.Out of nowhere before I got off the bus Jack asked me to go to prom with him Saturday night. I said yes. He kissed me on the cheek then I went home.As soon as I got in the door I skipped upstairs and called Charley to tell her news. She didn’t give me the answer I was hoping for, instead of asking me what to wear she hung up. I tried to call her back but there was no answer, I figured she was late for something and that I’d find out tomorrow at school.In class today me and Jake passed notes all day then the teacher Mrs. Ross caught Jake throwing me a note. She told me to go to the front and read it aloud, I glared back at Jack, He mouthed the word “lie” so then I said “Gee, do you think Mrs. Ross knows her coffee is spilled on her desk” she looked at her desk and I ran to my seat.The bell rang and Skye asked me if I wanted to hang with her. I told her I had plans with Jack then I winked at her, she didn’t wink back.At lunch break I was playing truth or dare with Clarice, Skye, and Charley, then Jack walked over to us and sat down, I told him he could play, and my 3 bffs left so me and Jack joined the soccer game. then I got to the bus I sat next to Jack then we practiced our handshake called “L.O.V.E” its fun! Then Will pokes his head up from beside us and starts yapping about the way everyone knew what was up with us. It seemed like I only blinked and the most surprising words came out of Wills mouth, “I ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! Charley & I are going to prom together Saturday!”Wednesday went by so quickly soon enough it was Friday! On Saturday night Jack picked me up in his daddy’s orange Lamborghini. (His dad is license guy so he got his way early.)When the first slow dance started (The song was “Ghetto” by Akon. HOT!) me and Jake danced. I looked around for Wills face; I saw it~ He wasn’t with Charley, He was alone. After the song was over I went up to Will and immediately he told me that he wanted to dance with me until his days to live…. Then Jack showed up and Will gave me that we’ll hang out later look.Right as I got home I called Will and asked him why he wanted to dance with me and his reply was “I want you to be my girlfriend.” I asked why? And he said kissing me behind the portable in grade 6 wasn’t enough. He also told me that he had leukemia and he would die is 6 weeks. He told me he would think of me in heaven. That Monday I didn’t go to school, I went to see Will in the hospital. At 6:00pm I got a ring on my cell, It was Jack. He was calling wondering where I was, I told him the story about Will and he dumped me.4 weeks later I have been going in and out of the hospital with Will. He told me he would die on Wednesday. On that Wednesday morning my life changed when the nurse came in and told me to wait in the hall. After 15 minutes of total silence and sorrow the nurse called me in. Will was sitting in his bed smiling at me then the most surprising words came out of his mouth, “IM GOING TO HANG AROUND A WHILE! THE CANCER IS GONE!” I smiled at him and at that moment I knew I loved Will.The next day I walked to school with Will after partying and celebrating with him the night before. When we arrived to our homeroom there was hardly anyone there. The few that were there were crying. Clarice walked up to me and said Skye had been in a car accident, with a punctured lung. She will survive but her little brother wont. Well actually he died already.I tried to be strong and hold it in but I felt a warm tear run down my face and drip to the cold floor and dissolve like a forgotten piece of ash from a stone cold fire. The feeling was hard to describe. I felt happy but sad at the same time. Sad that Liam was gone and happy because Will was back. But mostly anger because Liam was only 3 and it wasn’t his turn in line! The rest of that day was silent; Will & I took the bus to my house. I we went to Liams funeral from there. We both said a few words. I went up the stair case that led too all the bodies, I saw the saddest thing, scary too. It was Liam’s body. Then I felt something hit my head then everything went white.To be countined.....
Answers: reading my story? here it is:
Part A:I woke up, it was 9:07AM, I slipped on my orange, fuzzy slippers and walked down the pure gold stairs that took me to the kitchen. When I got downstairs I made a peach and vanilla smoothie. I went back upstairs and put on my skinny jeans, giraffe covered tube-top and my Baby Phat sneakers, then I drank my smoothie and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my wavy, midnight black hair. Then I headed off to school. Just to let you know I have the biggest house in Beverly Hills. My name is Charley and I’m a 14 year old girl. I have a lot of friends but I only talk about four special ones: Clarice, Will, Skye, and Naomi. I am very popular but I’m not the snobby, poppin’ lipgloss kind. I’m popular because I’m nice to everyone and I’m a good sport. When I got to school I met up with my best friend Naomi. Naomi and I are like sisters. Naomi has short, brunette, curly hair, and beautiful green eyes. “Hey Naomi. Wanna go for a jog around the field to get our day started? ” I asked. “ Remember Charley, I have asthma.” “Oh yeah. I forgot. Then what do you want to do?” I finally asked. The bell rang, “I think I would like to get to class.” Naomi answered. I rolled my eyes. We headed to our lockers and there we saw Will. He looked sad. Naomi went to class and I ran up to Will. “What’s Will?” I questioned. Will snuffled “Lucy died.” Will answered then he started crying. “YOUR LITTLE SISTER DIED?” I yelled with shock. “No silly. Lucy is…. Well was my big pretty parrot.” Will snuffled again. I hugged him “I’m so sorry but isn’t that your fourth parrot that died this month?” Will gave me a dirty look then went to class. I followed. My teacher is Mr. Mac. He is a really cool teacher and he’s 20 years old. Mr. Mac has that rockstar look that makes girls go “ahhhh” like when you get into a hot tub kind of way. The first thing Mr. Mac said was “Now class you have to write a memoir. You can do anything as long as what you picked can be done by Friday.” Everyone moaned. The bell rang, everybody ran outside so fast it was like a pack of talking cheetahs ran by. I was one of those people. When I got outside and onto the field I noticed this guy that looked like Cody Linley. He looked lonely so I went up to him to say hi. When I finished talking to him all I found out was that his name is Jack, he is 14, and he thinks that monkeys caused global warming. I walked out of the field and met up with Skye. I asked her where Clarice, Naomi, and Will were. “Naomi is inside talking to Mr. Mac, Clarice went home stuck with the flu, and Will went to host his parrot’s funeral.” Skye answered. I told Skye about Jake, She laughed. The bell rang to go inside, Skye and I slowly walked to the door talking about what we were doing for our memoirs. “I’m doing moving to Beverly Hills” Skye said. “I’m doing meeting Naomi.” I said proudly. When we got inside Skye went to Mr. Mac’s class but I kept walking because in grade 9 you switch classes. As I continued walking I saw Jack zooming down the hall then BANG I went flying to the ground and the last thing I saw before everything went black was a whack of people crowding around me. When I woke up I found myself….. Well actually I didn’t know where I was because everything was blurry to the extreme! I heard someone yell “SHE’S AWAKE! EVERYONE SHE’S AWAKE!” It was my mom! I started yelling “Where am I? What’s going on?” I sorta saw my mom put something on my eyes and when she did everything went clear. “Mom….I’m, I’m BLIND!” I started crying. My mom hugged me and said “You can get contacts instead.” I nodded my head. The next day when I got to school Naomi asked me why my eyes were purple instead of brown. “When Jake bumped into me I had a concussion and went blind.” I answered at least 20 times. Naomi gave me that “OMG” look. I smiled then we both started laughing. Laughing is very contagious you know. We went inside the school and into class; it was a substitute for Mr. Mac. Naomi and I shrugged and we went in our seats. “Good morning class. I am Mrs. Mac. I will be substituting you for the week.” Everyone gasped; Mrs. Mac’s face went strawberry red. “Everyone, take out your memoirs. I will pick random people to read theirs in front of the class.” She demanded. Everybody got out their memoirs and sat up straight. “Charley!” She yelled. I stood up and started reading my memoir: Meeting Naomi. I was just walking into the school when I saw this girl. She looked new so I walked up to her and asked her if she wanted to be bffs. We went to the mall together, we helped each other with homework, and we went to junior prom together. We even talk on the phone for 2 hours at least! That is what best friends do. No one can be as good as a friend as Naomi. By: Charley. Naomi smiled and everyone started to clap. I bowed then went to my seat. The day went by super fast and the end of the day bell rang. I ran home and changed out of my uniform then went to the metro bus stop. The bus came 3 minutes later so I got on. It was a 3 hour drive to the mall from the bus stop so I put on my ipod touch. As the bus drove by the woods on the side of the highway I looked out the window since it was an amazing sight, all of a sudden a gas truck came zooming out of the woods with no-one in it and it was heading right at the number 12 metro bus! Everyone seemed calm so I yelled. “LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!” everyone looked out the window but it was already too late. The metro bus was already split in half and on fire. 3 people were already dead. I went under my seat then I heard a siren coming closer and closer to the bus. From under my chair I saw firemen boots running back and forth. The chair I was under collapsed. I felt pain, sorrow, worry, and fear. Someone pulled me out from under the chair then I felt nothing. “Naomi, stop crying! It’s going to be alright!” I said. “Skye! MY BEST FRIEND IS DEAD! DON’T TELL ME TO STOP CRYING!” Naomi screamed. I started to cry too. Naomi ran out of the school yard and I followed. “Naomi wait!” I yelled. Naomi ran into the old book store across from the Beverly Hills grave yard. It is totally against my families’ religion to go in there so I ran back to school. One day later I went to the funeral. When I got there I saw Naomi carrying and old fashioned leather covered book and a big bag of stuff. While Mr. Mac was saying a speech beside Charley’s burial spot I saw Naomi go up a flight of stairs up the side of the church that led to the room with all the bodies, I followed. I saw Naomi on her knees beside Charley’s coffin. She was putting stuff in it and saying stuff. “NAOMI!” I gasped. She quickly turned around and ran back outside. I slowly approached Charley’s coffin them BOOM I fell into and old guy’s coffin. “Ewwwwww!” I whispered. I got up and walked straight to Charley’s coffin. The image was comforting yet kinda creepy. Her black wavy hair was the same but her bright, happy face was as dull as the sky on a rainy day and she was as cold as an ice cube. I held her paralyzed hand and one of my tears hit her lips then her hand held mine. It felt so natural, so real, like a normal day at the mall but it wasn’t. Charley was dead. My hand slipped out of hers and I left the room. As I was walking down the stairs two buff men walked up, I stopped. I heard the men put the lid on the coffin then they came down again but they were holding my friends coffin without any care. I followed them. After everyone said their speech they buried Charley. When everyone was gone Naomi stayed, so did I just to make sure that she doesn’t steal Charley’s body. I hid behind Jennifer L. Jones’s gravestone and watched.` I heard a banging, I got up and ran. Naomi was running right behind me. “NAOMI, HAVE YOU GONE MAD!!? YOU WERE PUTTING STUFF IN OUR BFFS COFFIN YOU DOPE!” I screamed out-of-breath. “Shut-Up and keep running!” Naomi replied. We ran all the way to our houses.Later that night when I was watching “Stomp the Yard” In my hello kitty pajamas the door bell rang. “Who could it possibly be at this hour?” I thought. I went upstairs to get the door and when I opened it, it felt like the world has froze, It was Charley. I pinched my self and she was still there. Charley was the same beautiful girl as always. “Di di did you come back to life?” I whimpered. Charley nodded her head. I got wheezy. “Are you, are you….” I fainted. 2 hours later I woke up finding myself in a hospital surrounded by Will, Naomi, Clarice, and my parents. “What’s going on?” I asked. I turned to face the open door and there was Charley, when she saw me she walked away. “Why isn’t Charley here?” I asked, “Remember Skye, She died two days ago.” Will answered sadly. “But I just talked to her last night and I just saw her walk down the hall!” I screeched. Naomi gasped, everyone looked at her. “Um…. I saw a spider.” Naomi spurted. Naomi’s curly hair bounced. I got off the got and went outside. My cell phone started beeping to tell me I had a text message waiting. This was the whole conversation:Charley: CU@ Skool tomorrow! Skye: If u go 2 skool tomorrow everyone will kno u came bak 2 life! Charley: I wasn’t officially dead. I was a heartbeat away from death but u brought me bak 2 life. I turned off my phone and went back to the room I was in. My parents finally took me home. The next day when I walked into the class room everyone was crowding around Charley’s old desk. I started walking to her desk, she was telling her heartbeat story then she pointed at me. I smiled then said “You guys should give Charley some space. Go on now, shoo.Mr. Mac entered the class and said “IM ENGAGED TO MRS. JONES or should I say Mrs. Mac.” Everyone screamed like they just saw the grudge. After I recovered from that fact I asked “Mr. Mac, yesterday Mrs. Mac our sub said she was covering for her husband Lee Mac. That’s you. And I saw you checking out Ms. Hooney and flirting with the Spanish teacher Lisha.” Mr. Mac gave me detention for a week. When the bell rang everyone gave me a high-five. I went to the field with Charley. It was kinda awkward talking and walking with someone who was almost dead but hey, at least she’s alive and well. Part b I found Charley in the field, after I had ran to catch up with my other friends Skye, Will, and Clarice.OMG! I feel like I’ve forgotten to tell you something! MY NAME! I’m 15, my name is Naomi, and I moved here in grade 5 because, I had an asthma attack and everyone was making fun of me so we moved from New York to Beverley Hills.Everyone at my school likes my clothes from New York, That’s how I met Charley. She commented on my Bobby Jack t-shirt, and then she asked me to chill with her. I still don’t understand how a beautiful girl with long, midnight black, wavy hair, brown eyes, and so many freckles would want to play with me. Oh well. The bell rang and for the 3 minutes I knew her, It was true destiny for us to be bffs for life.This year my teacher is Mr. Mac, who was my teacher last year, the reason everyone says he switched grades was because Courtney Miekle was going to be in his class again. She couldn’t talk to boys because a part under her neck and above her belly button was too big. I bit my nails until lunch break, and counted the minutes until the bell rang. The oddest thing happened, Carl Garfield (the most girly guy ever) handed me a note. It said: Hey, Wanna hang out l8r or catch a movie? Call Me! 861-0283. Catch Ya Later girl, Jack Drisoll. P.S- Sorry, I only had a blue pen around.OMG! I said thanks for the note then I got on the bus and sat next to Jack. Wait a minute.... Isn’t Jack the guy who made Charley blind? Oh well.Out of nowhere before I got off the bus Jack asked me to go to prom with him Saturday night. I said yes. He kissed me on the cheek then I went home.As soon as I got in the door I skipped upstairs and called Charley to tell her news. She didn’t give me the answer I was hoping for, instead of asking me what to wear she hung up. I tried to call her back but there was no answer, I figured she was late for something and that I’d find out tomorrow at school.In class today me and Jake passed notes all day then the teacher Mrs. Ross caught Jake throwing me a note. She told me to go to the front and read it aloud, I glared back at Jack, He mouthed the word “lie” so then I said “Gee, do you think Mrs. Ross knows her coffee is spilled on her desk” she looked at her desk and I ran to my seat.The bell rang and Skye asked me if I wanted to hang with her. I told her I had plans with Jack then I winked at her, she didn’t wink back.At lunch break I was playing truth or dare with Clarice, Skye, and Charley, then Jack walked over to us and sat down, I told him he could play, and my 3 bffs left so me and Jack joined the soccer game. then I got to the bus I sat next to Jack then we practiced our handshake called “L.O.V.E” its fun! Then Will pokes his head up from beside us and starts yapping about the way everyone knew what was up with us. It seemed like I only blinked and the most surprising words came out of Wills mouth, “I ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! Charley & I are going to prom together Saturday!”Wednesday went by so quickly soon enough it was Friday! On Saturday night Jack picked me up in his daddy’s orange Lamborghini. (His dad is license guy so he got his way early.)When the first slow dance started (The song was “Ghetto” by Akon. HOT!) me and Jake danced. I looked around for Wills face; I saw it~ He wasn’t with Charley, He was alone. After the song was over I went up to Will and immediately he told me that he wanted to dance with me until his days to live…. Then Jack showed up and Will gave me that we’ll hang out later look.Right as I got home I called Will and asked him why he wanted to dance with me and his reply was “I want you to be my girlfriend.” I asked why? And he said kissing me behind the portable in grade 6 wasn’t enough. He also told me that he had leukemia and he would die is 6 weeks. He told me he would think of me in heaven. That Monday I didn’t go to school, I went to see Will in the hospital. At 6:00pm I got a ring on my cell, It was Jack. He was calling wondering where I was, I told him the story about Will and he dumped me.4 weeks later I have been going in and out of the hospital with Will. He told me he would die on Wednesday. On that Wednesday morning my life changed when the nurse came in and told me to wait in the hall. After 15 minutes of total silence and sorrow the nurse called me in. Will was sitting in his bed smiling at me then the most surprising words came out of his mouth, “IM GOING TO HANG AROUND A WHILE! THE CANCER IS GONE!” I smiled at him and at that moment I knew I loved Will.The next day I walked to school with Will after partying and celebrating with him the night before. When we arrived to our homeroom there was hardly anyone there. The few that were there were crying. Clarice walked up to me and said Skye had been in a car accident, with a punctured lung. She will survive but her little brother wont. Well actually he died already.I tried to be strong and hold it in but I felt a warm tear run down my face and drip to the cold floor and dissolve like a forgotten piece of ash from a stone cold fire. The feeling was hard to describe. I felt happy but sad at the same time. Sad that Liam was gone and happy because Will was back. But mostly anger because Liam was only 3 and it wasn’t his turn in line! The rest of that day was silent; Will & I took the bus to my house. I we went to Liams funeral from there. We both said a few words. I went up the stair case that led too all the bodies, I saw the saddest thing, scary too. It was Liam’s body. Then I felt something hit my head then everything went white.To be countined.....
Hey! Whats the deal?You asked me to read this story,just to find out that it is to be countined.I was getting into this story.Keep doing what you do,it's great.Whats the Title name?So I can look forward to the conclusion of this saga.
yes I mind
not a problem..
If you add some spacing and form this into pragraphs instead of a huge mass of words I'll read it.
the number one rule to being an author is structure, not to mention other things, as well as grammar.
we can't really get the feel of a story that is bunched together.
make it neater by separating your dialog from the narrator and voices of the characters.
o my god with all that wrighting how could i say is sucks only kidding good luck
good
OK, the start was a bit tedious (you don't have to add a long description to everything...fuzzy orange slippers, pure gold stairs). It's nota bad story but it's all been done before. If you're still at school it's a good start, though.
thats good and yes i read it all.i love to read anything!and if it wasnt good id tell u. you ought to into writing stories for young children like middle school kids.this was like a mixture of the babysitters club,the saddle club and goosebump books all rolled into one.if you have a talent go with it!my daughter would surely read them.make copies and try sending them to a publisher of childrens books.GOOD LUCK!
I'm sorry you lost my attention within the first fourteen lines or so. Your sentence structure is weak, and quite mundane, such as I got up, I went downstair for breakfast, I went back upstairs and got dressed. Its literal, and not enjoyable to read. Think about what is interesting for the reader to hear,
It was 9.07am, I turn in bed to face the clock, as my hazy gaze focused on the light flooding through the crack in my curtain, I tried to muster the strength to drag me from the remnants of my slumber.
I am not suggesting this is better or to use it, but you need to understand that a detailed description of events is not what makes a good story, you have to make the reader either appear part of the story or feel like they are in the room.
Start by listing the dramatic things that are going to happen in the story, who the main characters are, and a brief idea of the plot. Now in turn write a little bit more about each, the characters what they look like, hair colour, skin texture, how they dress, how they sound, walk, etc. Now look at yourself and do the same for you.
Take this information and start to weave it into the story as you write it. Think about the dramatic events and try not to load them on top of each other. you can build suspense into the scenes for example, where you are in the room with the coffins, describe the space, sounds you hear, warmth or coldness of the room, whether it is quiet or noisy, its even ok to tell the reader what is happening around you that you cannot see. For example behind me the door quietly opens and a shadowy figure enters the gloom, a key turns in the lock and then is pocketed. Now be the figure, and describe how they creep up on you and hit you over the head without you noticing. You don't have to say who it is, but you can describe them, are they sweating, what are they holding, how heavy is there breathing, how their hair moves, etc build up the suspense so that you as the reader wants to cry out to yourself to turn around and see whats coming.
What you have written so far is a good start, and there are some very good sections of text, you just need to be break it down into sections, and give more description to each character, location, scenario, and action. As a book would give, chapters.
Good luck