I Just wrote a song.. feedback on lyrics?!
Question: I Just wrote a song!.!. feedback on lyrics!?
ok the inspiration is from an uncle i never met, who pretty much lived my dream!.
but i left the lyrics open to your own interpretation so it means more to YOU!.
feedback please, help on rhymes, any suggestions are welcome
and im 14, and this is my 1st song ive written!.
BE HONEST
I dont know
where to go
i see whats right
for tonight
underneath
cloaks of misery
we can see the light
for tonight
what are we
dreamers, destiny
all in spite
for tonight
we all know
our lives are bound to go
the real truth bites
for tonight
you lie there dead
eyes open on your head
i capture fright
for tonight
bullets blaze on by
you lay there, cry BRIDGE
screams all around
human hunting grounds
a kiss goodbye
see you in the sky
life is over, night
for tonight
ok well thanksWww@Enter-QA@Com
but i left the lyrics open to your own interpretation so it means more to YOU!.
feedback please, help on rhymes, any suggestions are welcome
and im 14, and this is my 1st song ive written!.
BE HONEST
I dont know
where to go
i see whats right
for tonight
underneath
cloaks of misery
we can see the light
for tonight
what are we
dreamers, destiny
all in spite
for tonight
we all know
our lives are bound to go
the real truth bites
for tonight
you lie there dead
eyes open on your head
i capture fright
for tonight
bullets blaze on by
you lay there, cry BRIDGE
screams all around
human hunting grounds
a kiss goodbye
see you in the sky
life is over, night
for tonight
ok well thanksWww@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
To me, it came across as sweet in a mysterious kind of way!. I only found two things you could work on:
1!. The verses need to be longer!. The way this is written it is to be read as a poem!. Songs have 2-4 long verses, one chorus (that repeats) and an optional bridge!. Your song has 7 short stanzas, no chorus and a 6 word bridge!. If you want to call this a song it needs improvements!.
2!. When I critique lyrics I put them into catogories: Skimming the ice, Breaking the ice, or Underwater!. Skimming the ice means the lyrics are not even worth listening to!. Breaking the ice means that the lyrics are heartfelt, but some of the words are at a 3rd grade level (not good!)!. Underwater means that the lyrics are tossed and turned around in the mind until they are the absolute best they can be!. When someone hears "underwater" lyrics they say "WOW, someone really put their mind to making these lyrics the best they could be!" Your lyrics are breaking the ice!. They have to break through the ice to get underwater, and your lyrics are about halfway through the ice!.
It is a good song, it really is!. You need to work on lengthening the stanzas and making your lyrics a bit more intriguing!. For example: You last stanza says:
a kiss goodbye
see you in the sky
life is over, night
for tonight!. <-- that is good, but not spectacular!. DIG DEEPER! How about:
One last kiss goodbye
You're now living in the sky
Your new life has begun, so goodnight
for tonight!. <-- That is still quite simple, yet it holds a deeper meaning!. Just a little something to think about!.
Great job so far! Keep working!
Great! I can't wait to hear the updated lyrics! Keep us posted!Www@Enter-QA@Com
1!. The verses need to be longer!. The way this is written it is to be read as a poem!. Songs have 2-4 long verses, one chorus (that repeats) and an optional bridge!. Your song has 7 short stanzas, no chorus and a 6 word bridge!. If you want to call this a song it needs improvements!.
2!. When I critique lyrics I put them into catogories: Skimming the ice, Breaking the ice, or Underwater!. Skimming the ice means the lyrics are not even worth listening to!. Breaking the ice means that the lyrics are heartfelt, but some of the words are at a 3rd grade level (not good!)!. Underwater means that the lyrics are tossed and turned around in the mind until they are the absolute best they can be!. When someone hears "underwater" lyrics they say "WOW, someone really put their mind to making these lyrics the best they could be!" Your lyrics are breaking the ice!. They have to break through the ice to get underwater, and your lyrics are about halfway through the ice!.
It is a good song, it really is!. You need to work on lengthening the stanzas and making your lyrics a bit more intriguing!. For example: You last stanza says:
a kiss goodbye
see you in the sky
life is over, night
for tonight!. <-- that is good, but not spectacular!. DIG DEEPER! How about:
One last kiss goodbye
You're now living in the sky
Your new life has begun, so goodnight
for tonight!. <-- That is still quite simple, yet it holds a deeper meaning!. Just a little something to think about!.
Great job so far! Keep working!
Great! I can't wait to hear the updated lyrics! Keep us posted!Www@Enter-QA@Com
For 14, this is friggin' genius!. Work on this, take some courses in poetry and creative writing, listen to good lyricists (Lou Reed, Bob Dylan, Nick Cave, XTC, Paul Simon, Neil Young, Laurie Anderson, etc!.) and never stop - you have a real talent, based on this one piece, and you should not leave it unused!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
beautiful :)) its way better than mine! lol
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index!?!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index!?!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com