New poem/lyrics? opinions please.?!


Question: New poem/lyrics!? opinions please!.!?
Its only getting faster
This thing, its nothing more than a disaster

Because 15 means nothing
Yet 9 to 10 could easily be something

Its the pits you have to worry about
Perhaps the can lead me somewhere

But who will stay with me!?
No one!? perhaps they all shall leave

But who will remember me!?
No one, they're all too proud to grieve!.

Keep in mind, the big numbers equal nothing!.
The smaller ones, they should keep you hunting!.

The pits, dark, black and cold!.
You may be scared, but it's there that the story is told!.

So stay with me, do not leave!.
You'll need a partner,
Because no one can be too proud to grieve!.

--any opinions would be greatly appreciated, I'm thinking of turning it into a song actually!. Don't know if I like it yet!. Thanks so much!. xWww@Enter-QA@Com


Answers:
You have some good lyrics here but its a little all over the place, Try to bring in each part of the story in at different times an stead of all at once!. I agree with you , turn it in to a song it would sound better with a melody!. Good luck & keep on Rockin!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

i agree!. it isn't quite cohesive enough to be considered a good song!. it rhymes but it lacks some depth!. play with it!. edge it up a little and try thinking of it AS a song and not as a poem and see what you come up with!. good luck!.Www@Enter-QA@Com



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