U think this could b a good rap verse, its jus 16 bars, plz rate from 1 - 10, 10!
Question: U think this could b a good rap verse, its jus 16 bars, plz rate from 1 - 10, 10 being best!?
i dont got much money but this girl is priceless
right now im lost in love, and shes my compass
whenever shes around its hard to stay calm
she blows up the place because shes the bomb
when i think of her, i cant keep my thoughts straight
when shes with me i cant breathe, when shes gone i suffocate
she makes me feel weak in the knees
loving her is like my heart disease
she so hot, burns it up at a negative degree
like picture in picture on a TV, shes apart of me
shes so fine, damn i swear
when she walks by even blind men stare
she can make the sun lose its shine
she can make a clock stall for time
when my heads in the clouds, she gets me to lay low
shes so perfect, i cant help to think heavens missing an angel
i kno its soft but its for some local RNB track, if theres something wrong wit it, leave some critisizmWww@Enter-QA@Com
right now im lost in love, and shes my compass
whenever shes around its hard to stay calm
she blows up the place because shes the bomb
when i think of her, i cant keep my thoughts straight
when shes with me i cant breathe, when shes gone i suffocate
she makes me feel weak in the knees
loving her is like my heart disease
she so hot, burns it up at a negative degree
like picture in picture on a TV, shes apart of me
shes so fine, damn i swear
when she walks by even blind men stare
she can make the sun lose its shine
she can make a clock stall for time
when my heads in the clouds, she gets me to lay low
shes so perfect, i cant help to think heavens missing an angel
i kno its soft but its for some local RNB track, if theres something wrong wit it, leave some critisizmWww@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
yeah, that was pretty nice!.!.!.!.!.!.and like the guy said above me (great commentary)!.!.!.!.try to be a little different because the most played out thing that gets dull is talking about a girl
try not to think too much at surface level
depending on what the overall song and general message is about!.!.!.!.!.you should gravitate toward that of coarse!.!.!.!.!.!.but don't over-do the topic!.!.!.!.!.!.make it interesting and vary slightly
because when you break out of RnB, and into a rap verse!.!.!.!.!.the rap verse has some topic varying liberties so you can actually broaden the topic a little wider!.!.!.!.!.!.take advantage of that
I would test out some wordplay!.!.!.!.and making the metaphors, less obvious!.!.!.!.!.some just sticc out and makes it seem like your trying to hard!.!.!.!.!.!.and don't oversaturate
whenever shes around its hard to stay calm
she blows up the place because shes the bomb
maybe
whenever shes around its so hard to stay calm
she gets me ignited, then she explodes like a bomb
(just right quick off the dome, but that brings you into the situation more and expands on it!.!.!.!.!.!.!.like what I was saying about varying!.!.!.!.!.!.you included yourself a little, but the main focus is really on her!.!.!.!.!.and you can vary a little and bring yourself into the equation minutely though)
(blows becomes explodes)
im not saying get Lupe Fiasco with it and the vocabulary but a dictionary(thesaurus) +should+ be a rappers best friendWww@Enter-QA@Com
try not to think too much at surface level
depending on what the overall song and general message is about!.!.!.!.!.you should gravitate toward that of coarse!.!.!.!.!.!.but don't over-do the topic!.!.!.!.!.!.make it interesting and vary slightly
because when you break out of RnB, and into a rap verse!.!.!.!.!.the rap verse has some topic varying liberties so you can actually broaden the topic a little wider!.!.!.!.!.!.take advantage of that
I would test out some wordplay!.!.!.!.and making the metaphors, less obvious!.!.!.!.!.some just sticc out and makes it seem like your trying to hard!.!.!.!.!.!.and don't oversaturate
whenever shes around its hard to stay calm
she blows up the place because shes the bomb
maybe
whenever shes around its so hard to stay calm
she gets me ignited, then she explodes like a bomb
(just right quick off the dome, but that brings you into the situation more and expands on it!.!.!.!.!.!.!.like what I was saying about varying!.!.!.!.!.!.you included yourself a little, but the main focus is really on her!.!.!.!.!.and you can vary a little and bring yourself into the equation minutely though)
(blows becomes explodes)
im not saying get Lupe Fiasco with it and the vocabulary but a dictionary(thesaurus) +should+ be a rappers best friendWww@Enter-QA@Com
Yo rhyme go sick mayne!. I aint really diggin the whole negative degree thang!. Just dont make sense!. Other than that i feel the ladies might find it worth paying attention to!. I give it a 9/10!. stay true!. one love under rap!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
awwwwwwww!!!!! that was so cute!. i mean it was the bomb just like that girl!. if this is for a girl that you actually know i definately think that you should spit it to her!. she would probably really appreciate it!. =)Www@Enter-QA@Com
amzing i give it a 13! if you wrote it for a girl, tell her it cause imm not even datin u but tht was so sweet, she will love it!. and so will record companies!.!.!.ehehWww@Enter-QA@Com
I LIKE THAT RAPWww@Enter-QA@Com
it's alright!. i like lines 12-15 the best could use some work though keep it up!. my rating-8Www@Enter-QA@Com
thats good my dude keep that **** up broWww@Enter-QA@Com
I'd give it a 7!.5!. You laced this verse with some good concrete examples!.
I guess the problem is there's only so much that you can say about a girl before it starts to get old!.!.!.
I'd throw in some examples of what she does that makes you feel this way!.
"She always tells the truth and never tries to deceive!. I love watching her enter as much as I enjoy watching her leave!."
Talk about why you feel this way!. Talk about physical attributes, personality, drive, sincerity, the way she moves, the way she smells, how her skin looks/feels!. This will make everything more concrete!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
I guess the problem is there's only so much that you can say about a girl before it starts to get old!.!.!.
I'd throw in some examples of what she does that makes you feel this way!.
"She always tells the truth and never tries to deceive!. I love watching her enter as much as I enjoy watching her leave!."
Talk about why you feel this way!. Talk about physical attributes, personality, drive, sincerity, the way she moves, the way she smells, how her skin looks/feels!. This will make everything more concrete!.Www@Enter-QA@Com