To all songwriters what do u think of my lyrics?!
Question: Verse
everything were just fine
for this young girl
getting married soon
may be on sunday afternoon
she went shopping late for her wedding ring
didnt know what was comin next
and when the clock stroke half past eight
all she heard were screams and tears
she never expected it
she heard a gun shot
turned around to find her man on the ground
Chorus
Now that you're gone
what am i gonna do
i'm on my own
in this big world
i cant even say it
its like im sinkin in my place
everything is dark
but u cant hear me right now
cause im on earth and you're on your way to heaven
Verse
Now that she lost everyting she evr wanted
she went to the wrong road
and forgot her god
but when she passed the very same old place where she lost him
tears fell down and she ran to his grave
then she cut herself and with that blood
she wrote all what she wanted to say
i miss you
and i'll never forget u
cause when you left u took my heart
Chorus x2
Answers: Verse
everything were just fine
for this young girl
getting married soon
may be on sunday afternoon
she went shopping late for her wedding ring
didnt know what was comin next
and when the clock stroke half past eight
all she heard were screams and tears
she never expected it
she heard a gun shot
turned around to find her man on the ground
Chorus
Now that you're gone
what am i gonna do
i'm on my own
in this big world
i cant even say it
its like im sinkin in my place
everything is dark
but u cant hear me right now
cause im on earth and you're on your way to heaven
Verse
Now that she lost everyting she evr wanted
she went to the wrong road
and forgot her god
but when she passed the very same old place where she lost him
tears fell down and she ran to his grave
then she cut herself and with that blood
she wrote all what she wanted to say
i miss you
and i'll never forget u
cause when you left u took my heart
Chorus x2
Again, your lyrics here are honest, direct, and heartfelt, which is great. I think, though, that the song would be stronger if you invested your songs with more poetic devices and/or imagery that say the same things you are saying here but in unique but personal ways.
Like in the first verse, instead of "she heard a gunshot," something like "a shot rang like the end of all things, and her every dream lay sprawled on the ground."
Or, like in your chorus, instead of "I'm on my own in this big world now," something like "the future seems done, and I'm dangling through" . . . or, instead of the last line "Cause I'm on Earth . . ." you might say, "You're off to meet God, and I'm still searchin' for my own."
Hope this helps. You have lots of talent there -- just need to develop it a bit more, which is fine -- songwriting is a lifelong venture, and we tend to get "better" as we write more. I would advise that you try listening to different songwriters, too -- not just country music songwriters but in other genres. Get ideas and see the possibilities. My music producer once gave me a Tom Waits LP from the 70s and said "if you want to know what a songwriter can possibly do with a song, check this guy out." And that opened my eyes, without really changing my style but opening up my imagination a bit more.
Reading it, it's kinda hard to find a good consistent flow to it, but I don't know what beat you have in mind for it. The story is a bit...."different", but i won't say bad, just a little different. Not too bad, I think you should keep it around and work at and tweak the lines some, try to find a good flow to the lyrics.
I think its a good depressing lyrics, but it is too literal, it does not quite sound like song lyrics... Maybe throw some methaporical words in there! I love when there are hidden deep meanings in songs!
I think it could be a great song but the part where she cut her self you might want to change.
WHT Is THe TYpE of MUsic ThaT wiLL go wITH thiS Song?
Its GOOd
Pretty good, might need a little structure, if you sing, try singing the song, that way the tonality will cause you to structure the song. and if you can, find somebody that plays acoustic guitar or piano and let them play music. the music will help you form more structure (it's hard to ignore 4/4 beat when your trying to put two sentence into two measures)