Can u tell me how i can improve these lines??pleezz?!


Question: Sad eyes that no one sees
little cortneys little heart bleeds
only thing that people notice are her imperfections and oddities
they dont see her as a human or a prson with problems
they dont see shes all alone with no one to help her solve them
they see her as a target they can take a shot at
disrespect her & inslt and spread rumurs behind her bac
but c little courtney has something that they al lack
a pureheart, a puremind with her destination all mapped
she has a goal to accomplish and has her bag pakd
....................

wat can i add to that and how can i improv it

please help


Answers: Sad eyes that no one sees
little cortneys little heart bleeds
only thing that people notice are her imperfections and oddities
they dont see her as a human or a prson with problems
they dont see shes all alone with no one to help her solve them
they see her as a target they can take a shot at
disrespect her & inslt and spread rumurs behind her bac
but c little courtney has something that they al lack
a pureheart, a puremind with her destination all mapped
she has a goal to accomplish and has her bag pakd
....................

wat can i add to that and how can i improv it

please help

It sounds sorta like a poem.....
The flow and rhythm lack.

A lot of lines have more syllables than others
Try to chop them down a a little

I think its good the way it is forreal. Your on count the whole time and the whole meaning is dope.. Good job girly

YOU NEED TO RHYME WORDS MORE THAN TWICE OR IT SOUNDS KIND OF CHILDISH

wow, that's amazing. i dont think there's anythin that should be changed.
or maybe. for where it says "they dont see her as a human or a person with problems"
you could write "a lil girl or naive girl with problems"

Spelling it correctly might help. Sounds too much like that ludacris song with all that 'little courtney' crap, and if you're going down the third person route...be a little more concise. Other than that, its not bad.

no dey r all so good

yeah, sound like you jockin luda, but whatever its good...are you Elmo?

LMAO @ serious business.." "little courtney" crap" <<hilarious

edit: never mind, theres a girl on here sometimes named Elmo and she always replace the letter "S" with "Z", you do that and I thought you were her

it's a good concept which is a major part of forming a good verse but the rhymes are weak which is also a major part of forming a good verse. don't say little twice in 3 words

u gotta use dis words: da n word,muthafucca,bitcch,hooe,money,hood

lol......just remember for next time dont pull a courtney

you should try poetry. that would fit you better.

props.

i love rap songs that have some kinda story 2 them, like immortal technique's dance wit the devil.

yeah, ur verse is bein compared 2 immortal technique. thats how good ur verse was.

keep it up.

yo im just gonna say its good but it sounds kinda like a poem



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