Please Rate And Edit A Small Portion Of My Song (7 Lines)?!
Question: I am a 15 year old Boy just so you know andPlease Go As Harsh As You Can Go, Edit and rate out of 10 please:
Song (About A Crush):
I got bored, so I went to the mall
Seeing you there, dont know your name
Didn't ave the guts to talk to you there
Picturing you with me everywhere
Trying to get yo attention
Just look at me once so I can get the relaxin
Answers: I am a 15 year old Boy just so you know andPlease Go As Harsh As You Can Go, Edit and rate out of 10 please:
Song (About A Crush):
I got bored, so I went to the mall
Seeing you there, dont know your name
Didn't ave the guts to talk to you there
Picturing you with me everywhere
Trying to get yo attention
Just look at me once so I can get the relaxin
try not making your song so obvious. for example, instead of literally saying mall, think of something that could represent it. i think that's the key to making a song more complex & interesting. it should make you think
and it should make you feel. use words that people can "feel"... it's like the difference between the word "fancy" and "luxurious." which of them can you feel?
here's what i came up with, using the same ideas in your lyrics. just for an example of what im talkin abt...
window shoppin
saw your face in the reflection
i was sick of everythin around me
now i have a reason
i mean
you musta just missed me
dont u see how good it could be?
yeah, definitely not my best work lol
That sounds very emotional...seems depressing for some reason...in my point of view,you should change the first line...sounds weird...and i'll give it an eight.
Its okay but really short
I don't know how you could stretch that into a whole song
But its a good start to your musical career.
Sifting through people in a crowded mall
Seeing you there, I still don't know your name
I didn't have the guts to talk to you there
But now I'm picturing you with me evvvverywherrrre
I try to get your attention
Please just look at me once so I can get to relaxin'
yeah it kinda sucks...
im not a song writer but add something about dreaming about her , i'd like that in a song....good job soo far !
just guessing on the fact that you are a begginner. i'd give it a 3-4. A song just isnt what you feel, its who you are. you need to live,breath,sleep this song.So as with your request i will edit it, but know that i am a 15 year old girl so...
Edited version:
by myself, im in a dase
a relization, what a craze
i see you there, cant say a thing
i want to know you, im lost,
i cant find my way
let me know you
i wait for the day