What do you think of my lyrics?!

I can appreciate where you are going with this, but I am going to be honest and say that I don't think you're there yet.

I like the "break us through" but I don't really know what you mean by it - do you mean that all religious people are intolerant, either condone or commit acts of terrorism, and that's simply how they are and we shouldn't even blame them for it? That's what I'm getting out of it. If that's not what you mean, consider some clarification.

The following words are critique (positive criticism) - please understand that I'm being honest and if you want a better quality product you need to be open to change and improvement.

I don't see a beat. Very few lines have consistent scansion, meaning number of syllables per line. Consistent numbers of syllables per line will help establish an underlying rhythm to your poetry that will help deliver your message to your audience.

I don't see an overall structure. While I'm not saying you have to be verse-chorus-verse, it wouldn't hurt to have some recurring words beyond "all they want is to break us through". Repetition drives your message home. A structure for some kind of verse-like part (a certain number of lines, a certain number of syllables per line) will keep your song from sounding disjointed and rambling.

I would consider rewording some of your lines. Some advice that I was given a long time ago is that good poetry will sound natural when you read it. "Are these people messiah for some/aren't those who think this is dumb?" isn't very good english and doesn't sound very natural to me if I was to say it out loud in a conversation with someone else. Try reading your lyrics out loud - do they flow off your tongue? Do they sound like how you normally talk?

Admittedly, there are many many exceptions to this (my two favorite bands - Deftones and Coheed and Cambria frequently write confusing lyrics) but bad grammar should always be avoided.

Good luck, keep writing. Feel free to contact me with any revised versions you might write, i'd be interested to see the progression.


Saul

Edit: I did not say write lyrics in the style of your favorite band, you should express yourself, in your own voice, in a way that is natural to you. I don't listen to Coldplay or John Mayer except for what i've heard on the radio, but the songs i've heard from John Mayer are well-written - he's used metaphors (your body is a wonderland) and his songs have good structure (even if it is verse-chorus-verse).

As far as the meaning of your lyrics, I appreciate your clarification. But you asked for how I liked it, and I'm just some random Joe on the internet, and because of the way you're using the word "they" it's not entirely clear who "they" are. I thought when you said "don't blame the <religious people>/they only want to break us through" and right after that you said "...if they live and let live/*but* all they want is to break us through" then that would mean that they *wouldn't* want to let us "live and let live". One word, "but" changes the meaning of the whole song.

From the first stanza you establish a negative context. You don't develop your delivery line of "break us through" and so you leave it open to a negative interpretation. If "break us through" is positive, then say so within your lyrics!

So... if you want to communicate your message clearly to someone else with these lyrics, I would strongly suggest you help your reader/listener understand what you mean when you say "break us through". I would strongly suggest that you clarify who "they" are.

Look... you wanted an opinion, you've got it. I thank whomever for the negative review, but the truth is that there is some room for improvement here. I like the direction you're going and I've offered my advice for helping you get there.

---

---

---