I wrote this poem, please tell me what you think..?!
Question: I wrote this poem, please tell me what you think..?
*** I wrote this poem about this guy I like, and I don't know if I should show him it or not. And please let me know what you think of it, Thank-You :-) ***
I wish I could find the words to say
how you make me feel with each passing day.
I should have told you from the start
all the feelings I have for you in my heart.
When I see you in the halls, my body shakes
the more we're apart, the more my heart achs.
The more I look into your eyes
the more I start to fantasize.
I know it's obvious how my heart is behaving
now I'm certain it's YOU I'm craving.
Just to kiss those chocolate lips
one taste, you'll go straight to my hips.
You say "they're addictive" yes you're right
I won't give you up without a fight.
When we talk and we say "farewell"
what I'm really trying to say is "I like you, Darnell"
*** Verse 3, is not to be taken in the sexual sense, but in the sense of chocolate and other sweets going to a womans hips ***
Answers: I wrote this poem, please tell me what you think..?
*** I wrote this poem about this guy I like, and I don't know if I should show him it or not. And please let me know what you think of it, Thank-You :-) ***
I wish I could find the words to say
how you make me feel with each passing day.
I should have told you from the start
all the feelings I have for you in my heart.
When I see you in the halls, my body shakes
the more we're apart, the more my heart achs.
The more I look into your eyes
the more I start to fantasize.
I know it's obvious how my heart is behaving
now I'm certain it's YOU I'm craving.
Just to kiss those chocolate lips
one taste, you'll go straight to my hips.
You say "they're addictive" yes you're right
I won't give you up without a fight.
When we talk and we say "farewell"
what I'm really trying to say is "I like you, Darnell"
*** Verse 3, is not to be taken in the sexual sense, but in the sense of chocolate and other sweets going to a womans hips ***
I am a very well seasoned veteran in both poetry and love. My opinion is that what people (like us) think of your love poems doesn't really matter; the opinions that count are yours and the other half of your soul <3. Think about that.
In a poetry aspect though, I would say to try to avoid cliches. What about your relationship that makes it special and different from others? In addition, try not to pour too much emotion into it. I know, us poets write to express, but that almost never produces a good poem. A poem should be a soft kiss, not an aggressive move. Pay very close attention to rhyming. Now, that also includes rhythm. Try to write your poem so it's easy to say also; almost fun. As a side note to push it that extra edge, also look at your syntax. A poem should also look good. The quotes are very ugly and the punctuation is very messy and sporadic. If you can follow a "format" so to speak, that's a great start. When moving forward, you vary from your format, but I believe that you are starting poetry now so don't worry about that until later. If not, try to have a organized chaos, if you will. Extra tips? Improve your vocabulary. This helps with rhyming and the general wow! factor of your poem. Also, don't give up. It took me many times to get it. Many failures. Remember, it is the worst of things that teach the best lessons. And don't give up.
As for the last part of this response, I will tell you if to show him or not. My advice; only show if you truly, truly love him and this is a last resort. Otherwise, no. Not because the poem is necessarily bad, but, from my experiences, poetry does not work. I know where you've been. I've been there myself. I know how much you want to show him, I do, I know, but it's for the better if you don't. Trust me on this.
With that said, to you, the best of luck and I hope everything works out well.
just very average. and the verse three is very tacky you really should change that.
I think it is really good. I would love it if someone wrote a poem like that about me!
I think it'll be a while before you reach Robert Frost status but the fact that you wrote one for this guy is really sweet and shows how sincere you are. I think he'll like it. I especially like the last two lines of the second stanza (paragraph).
Hmm.. it's cliche and rather default, but a start. DOn't be discouraged
what kind of person the guy is , i mean the characters and personality , you should consider these , if it is suitable to send the poem to him ,while he is not a emotional and sensitive person .but a blunt one.
It's overly cliche and banal, but don't give up.