...want to Critique my writing?!
Question: iight, this is the first writing i've ever done w/ substance, (meaning something other than just battle rhymes on here), so i was wonderin if yall could critique it for me..anything u liked, didnt like, things u thought i could do better on, etc....just somethin i was workin on in my free time
We the future, but the years ahead aint lookin so bright
No money for lights, got kids goin to bed starvin every night
Wakin up to desparity, callin the Lord's name to give their life some clarity
It's like a parody, the rich aint teachin their young what they earn to give some back to charity
Downtrotted remain in living hell, beds they didnt make, we sleep in cells
Locked up in jail, servin time waitin for justice to prevail
Father-figures missin, so who they got to respect and take a listen
They moms wishin, for a better place but now dont even have a pot to piss in
Blessings I count daily, grateful for the day god thought to make me
The Alpha & The Omega saves me, from sins I commit the Devil tries to enslave me
But im bigger than that, witnessed around me lives sent to hell and back
Wisdom in me my mom attached, she said be smart, dont go around followin the pack
Our people's struggle we bare together in a lifetime full of warfare
Its a shame tho, 30 sum odd years later King's Dream has become a nightmare
They still lynch us and hackle, cops still pull us down by our collars like Roy William's tackles
They think we were better of when we were binded together by shackles
Funny aint it, tsunami hits Asia and our prez is on the 1st flight over to hit the scene
Yet when Katrina strikes his country, the commander is nowhere to be seen
But thats the world we live in, no love for each other, one and all races start to split in
On the path of life, grab ya stick and just hope u dont u get the short end
Answers: iight, this is the first writing i've ever done w/ substance, (meaning something other than just battle rhymes on here), so i was wonderin if yall could critique it for me..anything u liked, didnt like, things u thought i could do better on, etc....just somethin i was workin on in my free time
We the future, but the years ahead aint lookin so bright
No money for lights, got kids goin to bed starvin every night
Wakin up to desparity, callin the Lord's name to give their life some clarity
It's like a parody, the rich aint teachin their young what they earn to give some back to charity
Downtrotted remain in living hell, beds they didnt make, we sleep in cells
Locked up in jail, servin time waitin for justice to prevail
Father-figures missin, so who they got to respect and take a listen
They moms wishin, for a better place but now dont even have a pot to piss in
Blessings I count daily, grateful for the day god thought to make me
The Alpha & The Omega saves me, from sins I commit the Devil tries to enslave me
But im bigger than that, witnessed around me lives sent to hell and back
Wisdom in me my mom attached, she said be smart, dont go around followin the pack
Our people's struggle we bare together in a lifetime full of warfare
Its a shame tho, 30 sum odd years later King's Dream has become a nightmare
They still lynch us and hackle, cops still pull us down by our collars like Roy William's tackles
They think we were better of when we were binded together by shackles
Funny aint it, tsunami hits Asia and our prez is on the 1st flight over to hit the scene
Yet when Katrina strikes his country, the commander is nowhere to be seen
But thats the world we live in, no love for each other, one and all races start to split in
On the path of life, grab ya stick and just hope u dont u get the short end
What do you think of this...
We are the future, but the year ahead aint lookin so bright,
No money for lights, got kids goin to bed starvin at night.
Wakin up to disparity, callin the Lord's name to give our life clarity,
It's like a parody, the rich aint teachin their young to give some back to charity.
Down trotted remains in living hell, locked up in jail,
We sleep in cells, servin time waitin for justice to prevail.
Father-figure missin, so who we got to respect and listen,
Moms wishin, for a better place but now don’t even have a pot to piss in.
Blessings I count daily, grateful for the day God thought to make me,
The Alpha & The Omega saves me, from sins I commit the Devil tries to enslave me.
But I’m bigger than that, witnessed around me lives sent to hell and back.
Wisdom in me my mom engraved, she said be smart, don’t follow the pack.
My people's struggle we bare together, in a lifetime full of warfare,
It’s a shame tho, 30 some years later, King's Dream has become a nightmare.
They lynch us and hackle, cops pull us down by our collars like Roy Williams tackles,
They control us better, when we are bound together, with shackles.
It’s funny, a tsunami hits Asia and our Prez is on the 1st flight over to view the scene
Yet when Katrina strikes his country, the commander is nowhere to be seen!
But that’s the world we live in, no love for each other, all races start to split in
On this path called life, grab ya stick and just hope u don’t get the short end.
Written by HNIC
Um..the rhyme scheme seem's really set in stone on here...and I don't really see anything that pop's out at me...I can't say it's um...fundamentally bad...just that I don't think it's that great.....Let's break it down
Rhyme Scheme: passable, but the same the whole time
Punches: not really any
Metaphors: nothing great, but not too bad
internals: Passable...
multies: nothing that really impresses me, but not devoid of them
awesome references (had to add this category): Loved the Roy Williams mention..8-1!!
Oh yea, Poly's: once again, nothing wow's me here..In fact..there really aren't any..
Aye my favorite part was right here...
Funny aint it, tsunami hits Asia and our prez is on the 1st flight over to hit the scene
Yet when Katrina strikes his country, the commander is nowhere to be seen
Thats o so true... That was deep & I liked this punchline right here...
They still lynch us and hackle, cops still pull us down by our collars like Roy William's tackles
They think we were better of when we were binded together by shackles
Nice... & right here 2...
Blessings I count daily, grateful for the day god thought to make me
The Alpha & The Omega saves me, from sins I commit the Devil tries to enslave me
I had a little something similar 2 that line 2 in one of my rhymes it was similar like that...
That was tight... Great lyrcism I don't have anything 2 criticize about...
Message is good, I don't know where that Roy Williams reference comes from, it looks out of place.
I'm thinking about posting one of my more serious rhymes too, but I don't know if it would be a waste.
Wen you battle you are pretty clever. Bring some of that cleverness over to your writing work and you will be on point.
Good song though. I love to see people talk about true issues. Make these rockers shut up lol.
not bad
thats fresh
u dseserve a star lol
Touche: ???
i like it it has substance something alot fo rappers today are afraid to touch mainstream its kool with me i mean it does need a little animation to amek the lines jump out at u more so when u being ur deliveries it hits hard and makes people think but its good
"My people's struggle we bare together, in a lifetime full of warfare,
It’s a shame tho, 30 some years later, King's Dream has become a nightmare." <<<<<< That's goin on my facebook quotes... I been tryin to say the same thing for *THE LONGEST*, but I never could word it right...
With a rhyme like this it doesnt need any punches...its a serious joint...the metaphors are all right...Like Evil says nothing really complexed...I say it average...the way the word flows its reminisent of Life's a B itch. But overall it paints a descent picture of what youre tryna get across to youre audience.
okay chek this.This guy looks like a chick with one difference he hasn't a dick for your ugly face you should nicked properly you was tricked i don't knowe your nick i would feel sick if i listen yours!don't try to act like a muppet i see you in the city with ya hand puppet no doubt in rap is everything allowed.i go back to the crowd let the other homie the floor to finishing you off!