Help!!! Tell Me A Funny Joke!?!
Question: Help!!! Tell Me A Funny Joke!!?
The One That Makes Me Laugh The Most WinsWww@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, Wife, we re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog!.
The wife grimaces, But I don t like fishing!
Look! We re going fishing and that s final!.
Do I have to go fishing with you!.!.!. I really don t want to go!
Right I ll give you three choices!.!.!. 1 You come fishing with me and the dog!.!.!. 2 You give me a BJ!.!.!.!. 3 or you take it up the asss!
The wife grimaces again, But I don t want to do any of those things!
Wife I ve given you three options!.!. You ll HAVE to do one of them! I m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!
The wife sits and thinks about it!.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, Well! What have you decided!? FISHING with me and the dog, BJ, or asss!?
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, O!.K!. I ll give you a BJ!
Great! He says and drops his pants!. The wife is on her knees doing the business!. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting!.!.!. It tastes all shitty!
Yes! says her husband The dog didn t want to go fishing either!.
TFMPWww@Enter-QA@Com
The wife grimaces, But I don t like fishing!
Look! We re going fishing and that s final!.
Do I have to go fishing with you!.!.!. I really don t want to go!
Right I ll give you three choices!.!.!. 1 You come fishing with me and the dog!.!.!. 2 You give me a BJ!.!.!.!. 3 or you take it up the asss!
The wife grimaces again, But I don t want to do any of those things!
Wife I ve given you three options!.!. You ll HAVE to do one of them! I m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!
The wife sits and thinks about it!.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, Well! What have you decided!? FISHING with me and the dog, BJ, or asss!?
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, O!.K!. I ll give you a BJ!
Great! He says and drops his pants!. The wife is on her knees doing the business!. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting!.!.!. It tastes all shitty!
Yes! says her husband The dog didn t want to go fishing either!.
TFMPWww@Enter-QA@Com
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike
> behind him, 'My Elbow hurts like hell!. I guess I'd
> better see a doctor!.'
> 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
> money,' Mike replies
>
> 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart!.
> Just give it a urine Sample and the computer will tell you
> what's wrong and what to do about it!.
>
> It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars !. !. !. A lot
> cheaper than a Doctor!.'
>
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it
> to Wal-Mart!.
>
> He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
> asks for the urine Sample!. He pours the sample into the slot
> and waits!.
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
> 'You have tennis elbow!. Soak your arm in warm water!
> And avoid heavy Activity!. It will improve in two weeks!.
>
> Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!.'
>
> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
> technology was, Joe began Wondering if the computer could be
> fooled!.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
> samples from His wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for
> good measure!.
>
> Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results!.
> He deposits ten Dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits
> the results!.
>
> The computer prints the following:
>
> 1!. Your tap water is too hard!. Get a water softener!. (Aisle
> 9)
>
> 2!. Your dog has ringworm!. Bathe him with anti-fungal
> shampoo!. (Aisle 7)
>
> 3!. Your daughter has a cocaine habit!. Get her into rehab!.
>
> 4!. Your wife is pregnant!. Twins!. They aren't yours!. Get
> a lawyer!.
>
> 5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow
> will never get Better!
>
> Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
>
Www@Enter-QA@Com
> behind him, 'My Elbow hurts like hell!. I guess I'd
> better see a doctor!.'
> 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
> money,' Mike replies
>
> 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart!.
> Just give it a urine Sample and the computer will tell you
> what's wrong and what to do about it!.
>
> It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars !. !. !. A lot
> cheaper than a Doctor!.'
>
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it
> to Wal-Mart!.
>
> He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
> asks for the urine Sample!. He pours the sample into the slot
> and waits!.
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
> 'You have tennis elbow!. Soak your arm in warm water!
> And avoid heavy Activity!. It will improve in two weeks!.
>
> Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!.'
>
> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
> technology was, Joe began Wondering if the computer could be
> fooled!.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
> samples from His wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for
> good measure!.
>
> Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results!.
> He deposits ten Dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits
> the results!.
>
> The computer prints the following:
>
> 1!. Your tap water is too hard!. Get a water softener!. (Aisle
> 9)
>
> 2!. Your dog has ringworm!. Bathe him with anti-fungal
> shampoo!. (Aisle 7)
>
> 3!. Your daughter has a cocaine habit!. Get her into rehab!.
>
> 4!. Your wife is pregnant!. Twins!. They aren't yours!. Get
> a lawyer!.
>
> 5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow
> will never get Better!
>
> Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
>
Www@Enter-QA@Com
A lady and her husband are on vacation in Israel!. Her husband dies while on the trip!. She goes to visit the mortician, and he says "I can bury your husband here for $500 or we can fly him home for $5000!." The wife replies "Let me sleep on it, and I'll let you know tomorrow!." She returns the next say and informs the mortician she would like to have the body returned home with her!. He asks "May I ask why you want to spend $5000 to have him buried elsewhere!?" The wife says "Well, 2,000 years ago Christ was buried here, and he rose from the dead, I don't want to take any chances!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
haha okay!
There were a farmer that had 3 daughters, they were all going out on a date!.!.!.but the farmer is really protective and so he decided to meet all of their date (carrying a shotgun)
First one:
Hi my name is Joe, I'm here for flo!.
We're going to the show, is she ready to go!?
He thought joe was okay so he let them go!.
Second one:
My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty!.
We're gonna get some sphagetti, is she ready!?
He thought eddie was alright ,too, so off they went!.
Third one:
Hello my name is Chuck! And the farmer shot him!. Www@Enter-QA@Com
There were a farmer that had 3 daughters, they were all going out on a date!.!.!.but the farmer is really protective and so he decided to meet all of their date (carrying a shotgun)
First one:
Hi my name is Joe, I'm here for flo!.
We're going to the show, is she ready to go!?
He thought joe was okay so he let them go!.
Second one:
My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty!.
We're gonna get some sphagetti, is she ready!?
He thought eddie was alright ,too, so off they went!.
Third one:
Hello my name is Chuck! And the farmer shot him!. Www@Enter-QA@Com
One day Sally came running home and screaming when she opened the door to her house, "Mommy Mommy! I got $5!"
Her mom asks, "Where did you get that money!?"
Sally- "Well you know Jonny, the boy down the street!? He gave me $5 cuz I did cartwheels in his yard while he sat in the tree and laughed"
Mom- "Sally! Don't you know that he is just trying to see your panties!?!"
Sally- "Ohhh, I get it!."
The next day Sally comes running in home screaming, "Mommy Mommy! I got $10"
Mom- "Where did you get $10!?"
Sally- "Well you know Jonny, the boy down the street!? He gave me $10 cuz I did cartwheels in his yard while he sat in the tree and stared at me with his mouth opened"
Mom- "Sally! Didn't I tell you he is just trying to see!.!.!."
Sally didn't let her mom finish, "Don't worry mommy, I tricked him!. I didn't wear any panties today!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Her mom asks, "Where did you get that money!?"
Sally- "Well you know Jonny, the boy down the street!? He gave me $5 cuz I did cartwheels in his yard while he sat in the tree and laughed"
Mom- "Sally! Don't you know that he is just trying to see your panties!?!"
Sally- "Ohhh, I get it!."
The next day Sally comes running in home screaming, "Mommy Mommy! I got $10"
Mom- "Where did you get $10!?"
Sally- "Well you know Jonny, the boy down the street!? He gave me $10 cuz I did cartwheels in his yard while he sat in the tree and stared at me with his mouth opened"
Mom- "Sally! Didn't I tell you he is just trying to see!.!.!."
Sally didn't let her mom finish, "Don't worry mommy, I tricked him!. I didn't wear any panties today!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Italian Girl!.!.!.!.
For several years, an American man was having an affair with an Italian woman!.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant!. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child!.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18!. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born!. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back!. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin!.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife!.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today!.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said!. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted!.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti!.
Three with meatballs, two without!.
'Send extra sauceWww@Enter-QA@Com
For several years, an American man was having an affair with an Italian woman!.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant!. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child!.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18!. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born!. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back!. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin!.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife!.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today!.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said!. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted!.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti!.
Three with meatballs, two without!.
'Send extra sauceWww@Enter-QA@Com
( A precious little girl )
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits!?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there!?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit!.
======================================!.!.!.
Retire Aged Personnal Early!. "rape"!?
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel!.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans!.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately!. The programme will be known as R!.A!.P!.E!. (Retire Aged Personnel Early)!.
Employees who are R!.A!.P!.E!.D!. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company!. Provided they are being R!.A!.P!.E!.D!., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place!. This phase of the operation will be called S!.C!.R!.E!.W!. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers)!.
All employees who have been R!.A!.P!.E!.D!. or S!.C!.R!.E!.W!.E!.D!. may file an appeal with upper management!. This will be called S!.H!.A!.F!.T!. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination)!. Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R!.A!.P!.E!.D!. once, S!.C!.R!.E!.W!.E!.D!. twice, but may be S!.H!.A!.F!.T!.E!.D!. as many times as the company deems appropriate!.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H!.E!.R!.P!.E!.S!. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)!. As H!.E!.R!.P!.E!.S!. is considered a benefit plan!. any employee who has received H!.E!.R!.P!.E!.S!. will no longer be R!.A!.P!.E!.D!. or S!.C!.R!.E!.W!.E!.D!. by the company!.
======================================!.!.!.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport!. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking!. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles!. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight!. Now sit back and relax!.!.!.
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier!. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap!. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing!. You should see the back of mine!" ========================================!.!.!.
A cat died and went to Heaven!. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years!. Anything that you want is yours for the asking!." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors!. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on!." God said, "Say no more!." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow!. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together!. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat!. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms!. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again!." God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates!. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat!. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow!. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay!? How you been doing!? Are you happy!?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!
!.
Www@Enter-QA@Com
AHAH!. that one was funny!.
How do you fit a 1000 pound lady into a subway!?
Take out the 's' in sub, and the 'f' in way!.
Now say outloud what you're thinking!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
How do you fit a 1000 pound lady into a subway!?
Take out the 's' in sub, and the 'f' in way!.
Now say outloud what you're thinking!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
a husband and wife are lying on a frying pan cooking!. they are both eggs!. The wife say oh look ive got a crack, the husband replies, slow down im not hard yet!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
if there were four potatoes in the room which one would be the prostitute!?
the one that said IDAHO
hahahaWww@Enter-QA@Com
the one that said IDAHO
hahahaWww@Enter-QA@Com
theres a mexican and a black person in a car!.!. whos driving!?!?
the cop! hahaWww@Enter-QA@Com
the cop! hahaWww@Enter-QA@Com
your so dumb you have to ask people on yahoo answers for a joke Www@Enter-QA@Com