Anyone got some really good jokes?!


Question: Anyone got some really good jokes!?
Answers:

A cat died and went to Heaven!. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years!. Anything that you want is yours for the asking!." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors!. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on!." God said, "Say no more!." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow!. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together!. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat!. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms!. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again!." God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates!. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat!. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow!. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay!? How you been doing!? Are you happy!?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!
======================================!.!.!.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport!. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking!. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles!. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight!. Now sit back and relax!.!.!.
OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier!. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap!. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing!. You should see the back of mine!" ========================================!.!.!.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party!. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem!. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note!.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit!. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate!."
The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint!. A week passes and he receives another parcel with a note!.
"Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion!. Please find enclosed a monk's habit!. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part!."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to his bald head, so he writes an extremely rude letter of complaint!. The next day he receives a small parcel with a note inside!.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup!. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a toffee apple
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Doctor in Trouble

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is!. All his professionallism goes right out the window…

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs!.
“Do you know what I am doing!?” asks the doctor!?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities!.” she replies!.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off!. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now!?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer!.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her!. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now!?”

She replies, “Yes, getting Genital Herpes - thats why I am here!”Www@Enter-QA@Com


First Dinner With The Parents



A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for
dinner!.This is to be her first time meeting the family
and she is very nervous!.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal!. The
woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks
to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole!.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water!. Left with
no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit
and lets out a dainty fart!. It wasn't loud, but everyone
at the table heard the poof!.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her
boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been
snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern
voice, Skippy!"!.

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile
came across her face!.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel
the pain again!. This time, she didn't even hesitate!. She
let a much louder and longer fart rip!. The father again
looked and the dog and yelled, "Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"!.

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip!.
This time she didn't even think about it!. She let rip a
fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!.

Once again, the father looked at the
dog with disgust and yelled,

"Skippy, get away from her before she sh*ts on you!"
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An English man, Scots man and a Welsh man visit a lap dancing bar!.They all sit at the same table which just happens to be right next to a busty blonde gyrating on a pole!. The Scot was sitting the closest to the dancer, feeling bold he lent over and stuck £20 on her left buttock!. Not to be out done by,the Welsh man lent over and stuck £30 on her right buttock!. The English man, who was a born 'n bred Scotty Road Scouse lad, swiped his visa down the crack of her **** and took the £50 cash back!. Www@Enter-QA@Com

a nurse walks into a mental patients room and finds him sitting on the end of his bed pretending to drive his car!. 'Joe' she says, 'what are you doing!?' 'cant talk now, I'm driving to Dublin' Joe says!. She wishes him a good trip then goes into the next room!. Bill is sitting on his bed pleasuring himself!.Shocked, she shouts 'Bill what are you doing!?!' Ssssh!' he says, 'I'm sh**ging Joe's missus whilst he's in Dublin'Www@Enter-QA@Com

3 men went to the doctors one was a smoker one was an alcoholic and one was gay the doctor said if they dont stop there bad needs then they will die so all 3 men started walking home the alcoholic popped into the pub for a drink and dropped down dead the other 2 carried on the smoker saw a fag burning on the floor and the gay man said if you stop and pick that up were both gonna be deadWww@Enter-QA@Com



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