Do you know any good short people or old people jokes?!
Question: Do you know any good short people or old people jokes!?
there are these guys i work with and we always bust on each other for fun!.so do you know any good short or old people jokes!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past!. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years!."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking!. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten!?" So God agreed!.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh!. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span!."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years!? That's a pretty long
time to perform!. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did!?" And
God agreed!.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family!. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years!."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years!. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty!?"
And God agreed again!.
On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life!. For this, I'll give you twenty years!."
But man said, "Only twenty years!? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay!?" "Okay," said God,
"You asked for it!."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves!. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family!. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren!. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone!.
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies!?'
80% held up their hands!.
The Minister then repeated his question!.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady!.
'Mrs!. Neely!?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies!?'
I don't have any!.' She replied, smiling sweetly!.
'Mrs!. Neely, that is very unusual!. How old are you!?'
'Ninety-eight!.' she replied!.
'Oh, Mrs!. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world!?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches!.'
What women want in a man at age 22:
1!. Handsome
2!. Charming
3!. Financially successful
4!. A caring listener
5!. Witty
6!. In good shape
7!. Dresses with style
8!. Appreciates finer things
9!. Full of thoughtful surprises
10!. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 32:
1!. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2!. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3!. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4!. Listens more than talks
5!. Laughs at my jokes
6!. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7!. Owns at least one tie
8!. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9!. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10!. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 42:
1!. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2!. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3!. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4!. Nods head when I'm talking
5!. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6!. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7!. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8!. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9!. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10!. Shaves most weekends
What women want in a man at age 52:
1!. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2!. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3!. Doesn't borrow money too often
4!. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5!. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6!. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7!. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8!. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9!. Remembers your name on occasion
10!. Shaves some weekends
What women want in a man at age 62:
1!. Doesn't scare small children
2!. Remembers where bathroom is
3!. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4!. Only snores lightly when asleep
5!. Remembers why he's laughing
6!. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7!. Usually wears some clothes
8!. Likes soft foods
9!. Remembers where he left his teeth
10!. Remembers that it's the weekend
What women want in a man at age 72:
1!. Breathing
2!. Doesn't miss the toiletWww@Enter-QA@Com
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past!. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years!."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking!. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten!?" So God agreed!.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh!. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span!."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years!? That's a pretty long
time to perform!. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did!?" And
God agreed!.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family!. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years!."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years!. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty!?"
And God agreed again!.
On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life!. For this, I'll give you twenty years!."
But man said, "Only twenty years!? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay!?" "Okay," said God,
"You asked for it!."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves!. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family!. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren!. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone!.
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies!?'
80% held up their hands!.
The Minister then repeated his question!.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady!.
'Mrs!. Neely!?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies!?'
I don't have any!.' She replied, smiling sweetly!.
'Mrs!. Neely, that is very unusual!. How old are you!?'
'Ninety-eight!.' she replied!.
'Oh, Mrs!. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world!?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches!.'
What women want in a man at age 22:
1!. Handsome
2!. Charming
3!. Financially successful
4!. A caring listener
5!. Witty
6!. In good shape
7!. Dresses with style
8!. Appreciates finer things
9!. Full of thoughtful surprises
10!. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 32:
1!. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2!. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3!. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4!. Listens more than talks
5!. Laughs at my jokes
6!. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7!. Owns at least one tie
8!. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9!. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10!. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 42:
1!. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2!. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3!. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4!. Nods head when I'm talking
5!. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6!. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7!. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8!. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9!. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10!. Shaves most weekends
What women want in a man at age 52:
1!. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2!. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3!. Doesn't borrow money too often
4!. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5!. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6!. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7!. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8!. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9!. Remembers your name on occasion
10!. Shaves some weekends
What women want in a man at age 62:
1!. Doesn't scare small children
2!. Remembers where bathroom is
3!. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4!. Only snores lightly when asleep
5!. Remembers why he's laughing
6!. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7!. Usually wears some clothes
8!. Likes soft foods
9!. Remembers where he left his teeth
10!. Remembers that it's the weekend
What women want in a man at age 72:
1!. Breathing
2!. Doesn't miss the toiletWww@Enter-QA@Com
Grandma's Birth Control Pills
After working most of her life Grandma finally retired!. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her!.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills!. "Mrs!. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills!?"
Yes, they help me sleep at night!. "
"Mrs!. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee!. "Yes, dear,I know that!. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks !. !. !. and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!. "
You gotta love GrandmasWww@Enter-QA@Com
After working most of her life Grandma finally retired!. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her!.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills!. "Mrs!. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills!?"
Yes, they help me sleep at night!. "
"Mrs!. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee!. "Yes, dear,I know that!. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks !. !. !. and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!. "
You gotta love GrandmasWww@Enter-QA@Com
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party!. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem!. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note!.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit!. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate!."
The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint!. A week passes and he receives another parcel with a note!.
"Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion!. Please find enclosed a monk's habit!. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part!."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to his bald head, so he writes an extremely rude letter of complaint!. The next day he receives a small parcel with a note inside!.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup!. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a toffee apple
*************************************!.!.!.
I rear-ended a car this morning!. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car!.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny!?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it!.!.!.!. he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you!?'
And that's how the fight started!.!.!.!.!.
Www@Enter-QA@Com
that's kinda insulting!.
kidding!. but still!. :pWww@Enter-QA@Com
kidding!. but still!. :pWww@Enter-QA@Com