Give me the best you've got (long jokes only)?!
Question: Give me the best you've got (long jokes only)!?
Answers:
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008
1!. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP!? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership!. He received a $26 million severance package!. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence!.
2!. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home!. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up!.'
3!. WHAT WAS PLAN B!? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!.
4!. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer!. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him!.
5!. DID I SAY THAT!? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up!. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'that's not
what I said!'
6!. ARE WE COMMUNICATING!? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her first child!?' the doctor asked!. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7!. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon!. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun!. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket!. (hellooooooo)!
8!. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem!. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going!. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power they applied!. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong!. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch!. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath!. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard!.
NOW REMEMBER!.!.!.THIS IS TRUE!.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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A blonde named chrissy walked into a bar ad found her friend janet there!. Janet was a brunette!. The 6 o'clock news was on behind the bar, Janet was watching, so Chrissy sat next to her, said hi and started watching aloing with Janet!. The news was covering a story of an attempted suicide on the side of the Golden Gate bridge!. Janet said to Chrissy, "I'll bet you that that guy jumps off"!. Chrissy said, "okay, 20 dollars"!. He jumped and Chrissy took out her wallet, but Janet quickly refused saying, "No, i can't take that, i saw the same story on the 5 o'clock news"!. Then Chrissy said "Oh so did I, I just didn't think he'd do it again"!. Janet took the money!.
p!.s!. I did take Janet and Chrissy from Three's Company!. Obviously it doesn't matter, i just felt like it!.
An Irish man, An Italian man and a Polish man are working on the construction of a New York Skyscraper!. As shown in the famous picture, they ate their lunch sitting on a steel beam which is a part of theskeleton of the building!. If they fell off, they would die!.
Anyway, the Irish man opened his lunch and said "aww, left-over ham and cabbage, I i get ham and cabbage once again, i'll jump off of this beam!."
then the italian man opened his lunch and said "aww, left over pasta, if i get left over pasta again i'll jump off this beam"!.
then the polish man opened his lunch and said "if i get leftover kielbase again, i'll jump off this beam"
The next day, they all opened their lunch, saw the same things and they all jumped to their death!.
naturally in a tripple suicide, the media was covering the story later that afternoon!. They interviewed the wives of the men!.!.
the Irish wife said "I dont understand why he didn't tell me, i would have happily given him something else for lunch!.!. if e only told me"
the italian wife said the same thing If only she had known of his discontent for his usual lunch!.
then the polish wife said " I don't understand, he made his own lunch every day!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
p!.s!. I did take Janet and Chrissy from Three's Company!. Obviously it doesn't matter, i just felt like it!.
An Irish man, An Italian man and a Polish man are working on the construction of a New York Skyscraper!. As shown in the famous picture, they ate their lunch sitting on a steel beam which is a part of theskeleton of the building!. If they fell off, they would die!.
Anyway, the Irish man opened his lunch and said "aww, left-over ham and cabbage, I i get ham and cabbage once again, i'll jump off of this beam!."
then the italian man opened his lunch and said "aww, left over pasta, if i get left over pasta again i'll jump off this beam"!.
then the polish man opened his lunch and said "if i get leftover kielbase again, i'll jump off this beam"
The next day, they all opened their lunch, saw the same things and they all jumped to their death!.
naturally in a tripple suicide, the media was covering the story later that afternoon!. They interviewed the wives of the men!.!.
the Irish wife said "I dont understand why he didn't tell me, i would have happily given him something else for lunch!.!. if e only told me"
the italian wife said the same thing If only she had known of his discontent for his usual lunch!.
then the polish wife said " I don't understand, he made his own lunch every day!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Cowboy walks into the bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay Bar!.
What the heck,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink!.'
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your manhood!?'
The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that!. All I want is a Drink!.'
The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy!. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan 'Just Do It!.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really Satisfies!.'
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over!.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours!?'
The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX!.'
The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex!?'
The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!'
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours!?'
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'!.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately!?' The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY!.!.!.!.!.'Like a Rock!'!.!.!. And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood!.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,'The name of my willy is SECRET!. Now give me a beer!.'
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret!?'
The cowboy says, 'Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com
A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay Bar!.
What the heck,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink!.'
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your manhood!?'
The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that!. All I want is a Drink!.'
The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy!. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan 'Just Do It!.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really Satisfies!.'
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over!.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours!?'
The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX!.'
The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex!?'
The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!'
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours!?'
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'!.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately!?' The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY!.!.!.!.!.'Like a Rock!'!.!.!. And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood!.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,'The name of my willy is SECRET!. Now give me a beer!.'
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret!?'
The cowboy says, 'Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak!.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done!.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass!. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip!."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice!. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink!. He proceeded to talk up a storm!.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1!. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp!.
2!. There are 10 commandments, not 12!.
3!. There are 12 disciples, not 10!.
4!. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated!.
5!. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***!.
6!. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J!. C!.
7!. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook!.
8!. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him!.
9!. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ***!.
10!. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T!."
11!. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body!." He did not say "Eat me"
12!. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13!. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!.
14!. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St!. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St!. Taffy's! Www@Enter-QA@Com
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done!.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass!. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip!."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice!. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink!. He proceeded to talk up a storm!.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1!. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp!.
2!. There are 10 commandments, not 12!.
3!. There are 12 disciples, not 10!.
4!. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated!.
5!. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***!.
6!. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J!. C!.
7!. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook!.
8!. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him!.
9!. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ***!.
10!. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T!."
11!. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body!." He did not say "Eat me"
12!. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13!. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!.
14!. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St!. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St!. Taffy's! Www@Enter-QA@Com
that was really funnyWww@Enter-QA@Com