Can you tell me a good joke to laugh to?!
Question: Can you tell me a good joke to laugh to!?
i need a laugh plz thanksWww@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned!."
"What is it, child!?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity!. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am!."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news!. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake!."
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida!.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World: Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home!.
A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas!.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart *** hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South!."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the smart *** little fella on your knee!"
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition!. The redhead won, and the brunette came in second!.
However, there was no sign of the final contestant!. Hours and hours went by, causing grave concern and worry!. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived!.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her!. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore!. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a sore loser, but I think those other girls used their arms!."
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"What is it, child!?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity!. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am!."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news!. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake!."
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida!.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World: Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home!.
A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas!.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart *** hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South!."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the smart *** little fella on your knee!"
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition!. The redhead won, and the brunette came in second!.
However, there was no sign of the final contestant!. Hours and hours went by, causing grave concern and worry!. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived!.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her!. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore!. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a sore loser, but I think those other girls used their arms!."
Www@Enter-QA@Com
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them!.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane!. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog!.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said!. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work!."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this!." He told Sniffer to "search!."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds!. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm!. The agent said, "Good boy!." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number!. The authorities will apprehend her when we land!."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man!. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles!. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm!. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police!."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again!. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent!. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place!. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on!?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
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The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane!. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog!.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said!. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work!."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this!." He told Sniffer to "search!."
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds!. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm!. The agent said, "Good boy!." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number!. The authorities will apprehend her when we land!."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man!. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles!. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm!. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police!."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again!. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent!. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place!. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on!?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
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Black Hurricanes
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about!. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names!. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal!. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans was that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased
language of the weather report!.
I can hear it now: A meteorologist in Baton Rouge says!.!.!.
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkahs! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo azz like an unpaid nappy headed Ho!.
Bi'ch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' be leavin yo crib, and
head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE schit!"
Sherlock
Sherlock Holmes and Dr!. Watson went on a camping trip!.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep!.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend!. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see!."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars!."
"What does that tell you!?"
Watson pondered for a minute!. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets!. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo!. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three!. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant!. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow!. Why, what does it tell YOU!?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke!. "Watson, you idiot!. Some jerk has stolen our tentWww@Enter-QA@Com
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about!. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names!. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal!. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans was that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased
language of the weather report!.
I can hear it now: A meteorologist in Baton Rouge says!.!.!.
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkahs! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo azz like an unpaid nappy headed Ho!.
Bi'ch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' be leavin yo crib, and
head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE schit!"
Sherlock
Sherlock Holmes and Dr!. Watson went on a camping trip!.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep!.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend!. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see!."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars!."
"What does that tell you!?"
Watson pondered for a minute!. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets!. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo!. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three!. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant!. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow!. Why, what does it tell YOU!?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke!. "Watson, you idiot!. Some jerk has stolen our tentWww@Enter-QA@Com
1!. Men are like Laxatives !. They irritate the crap out of you!.
2 Men are like!. Bananas !. The older they get, the less firm they are!.
3!. Men are like Weather !. Nothing can be done to change them!.
4!. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why!.
5!. Men are like Chocolate Bars !. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips!.
6!. Men are like Commercials !. You can't believe a word they say!.
7!. Men are like Department Stores !.!.!. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8!. Men are like !. Government Bonds !.!.!.!. They take soooooooo long to mature!.
9!. Men are like Mascara !. They usually run at the first sign of emotion!.
10!. Men are like Popcorn !. They satisfy you, but only for a little while!.
11!. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last!.
12!. Men are like Lava Lamps !. Fun to look at, but not very bright!.
13!. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped!.
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Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December!. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter!. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform!.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year!. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school!. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors!. I would go on errands, and even help the lderly cross the street!. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity!.
What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks!. What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of a *****, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some **** like this under the tree!. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough, you gave that little ****** across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat *** down my chimney next year!. I'll f**k you up!. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that f**king bike!. F**K YOU SANTA!. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-*****!.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
Here is yer Joke:
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom
factory!. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice!.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard
working, knew her tasks etc!. He called her into his office, "But
why!?" he asked!.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly!.
"Look, I'll give you a raise!."
"No," she said
"You can't just quit like that!. There must be a reason!. Tell me!."
"Okay if you must know!.!.!." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had
this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you!.!.!."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed his, and said, "Ha ha!.!.!.my dear it's nature!. Look I have
it too!.!.!.!."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not
only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as
well!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December!. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter!. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform!.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year!. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school!. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors!. I would go on errands, and even help the lderly cross the street!. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity!.
What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks!. What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of a *****, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to come out with some **** like this under the tree!. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough, you gave that little ****** across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat *** down my chimney next year!. I'll f**k you up!. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that f**king bike!. F**K YOU SANTA!. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-*****!.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
Here is yer Joke:
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom
factory!. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice!.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard
working, knew her tasks etc!. He called her into his office, "But
why!?" he asked!.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly!.
"Look, I'll give you a raise!."
"No," she said
"You can't just quit like that!. There must be a reason!. Tell me!."
"Okay if you must know!.!.!." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had
this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you!.!.!."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and
showed his, and said, "Ha ha!.!.!.my dear it's nature!. Look I have
it too!.!.!.!."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not
only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as
well!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
A dumb blonde is driving on her way to work!. Her husband calls her cellphone, and tells her to be careful because there is a crazed driver going the wrong way on the 405!. To which the blond replies "Yeah there's not just one, there's f*cking hundreds of them!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
2 peanuts were walking down the street!. 1 was a-salt-edWww@Enter-QA@Com