I need FUNNY jokes!!!?!
Question: I need FUNNY jokes!!!!?
If you have any real funny jokes please write them, the funniest one gets 10 points!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat!. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy!.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife!. You two have a lot in common!.
After the Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening!.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him!.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night!. Was it as bad as I think!?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn!. "You made a complete *** of yourself!. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face!."
"He's an asshole," John said!. "Piss on him!."
"You did," came the reply!. "And he fired you!."
"Well, screw him!" said John!.
"I did!. You're back at work on Monday!.
Www@Enter-QA@Com
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife!. You two have a lot in common!.
After the Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening!.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him!.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night!. Was it as bad as I think!?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn!. "You made a complete *** of yourself!. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face!."
"He's an asshole," John said!. "Piss on him!."
"You did," came the reply!. "And he fired you!."
"Well, screw him!" said John!.
"I did!. You're back at work on Monday!.
Www@Enter-QA@Com
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed!.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas!. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England!."
One of the others said!. "That's nothing!. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics!."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs!. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour!. All I had left to work with was the horse's *** and a cowboy hat!. Now he's President of the United States!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
One of the others said!. "That's nothing!. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics!."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs!. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour!. All I had left to work with was the horse's *** and a cowboy hat!. Now he's President of the United States!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground!. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head!.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services!. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do!?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy!. I can help!. First, let’s make sure he’s dead!.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard!. The guy’s voice comes back on the line!. He says: “Okay, now what!?”
this is my favorite:
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary!. Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway!.
She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale!. Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday!.
this one is kinda long, but its worth it:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin!. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists……two men and a woman!.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun!.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances!. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair!. Kill Her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious!. I could never shoot my wife!.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job!.”
The second man was given the same instructions!. He took the gun and went into the room!. All was quiet for about five minutes!. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes!.”I tried, but I can’t kill my wife!.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes!. Take your wife and go home!.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn!. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband!. She took the gun and went into the room!.
Shots were heard, one shot after another!. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls!. After a few minutes, all was quiet!. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman!.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks!. I had to beat him to death with the chair!.”
Www@Enter-QA@Com
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services!. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do!?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy!. I can help!. First, let’s make sure he’s dead!.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard!. The guy’s voice comes back on the line!. He says: “Okay, now what!?”
this is my favorite:
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary!. Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway!.
She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale!. Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday!.
this one is kinda long, but its worth it:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin!. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists……two men and a woman!.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun!.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances!. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair!. Kill Her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious!. I could never shoot my wife!.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job!.”
The second man was given the same instructions!. He took the gun and went into the room!. All was quiet for about five minutes!. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes!.”I tried, but I can’t kill my wife!.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes!. Take your wife and go home!.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn!. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband!. She took the gun and went into the room!.
Shots were heard, one shot after another!. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls!. After a few minutes, all was quiet!. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman!.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks!. I had to beat him to death with the chair!.”
Www@Enter-QA@Com
This one is really funny:
A little boy was doing his maths homework!.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of a bitc!.!.!. is seven!.
Three plus six, the son of a bitc!.!.!. is nine!.!.!."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing!?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom!."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it!?" the mother asked!.
"Yes," he answered!.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths!?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition!."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc!.!.!. is four!?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four!.
Www@Enter-QA@Com
A little boy was doing his maths homework!.
He said to himself,
"Two plus five, the son of a bitc!.!.!. is seven!.
Three plus six, the son of a bitc!.!.!. is nine!.!.!."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing!?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom!."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it!?" the mother asked!.
"Yes," he answered!.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in maths!?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition!."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc!.!.!. is four!?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four!.
Www@Enter-QA@Com
OK but don't tell the religious nutters on YA that i am living in Ireland;
A man is driving along the road when he sees a home made sign stating "Screw a Nun 100 yards" He sees a turning and decides to investigate!. On entering the convent he is informed that it will cost 50 Bucks in advance and he is to proceed inside the convent, turn left ,go up a flight of stairs and enter the room on his right!. This he does, the room is pitch black and he suddenly finds himself falling through a hole in the floor and landing in the basement where in front of him is a large sign!. THANK YOU FOR YOUR VISIT< YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF CHARITYWww@Enter-QA@Com
A man is driving along the road when he sees a home made sign stating "Screw a Nun 100 yards" He sees a turning and decides to investigate!. On entering the convent he is informed that it will cost 50 Bucks in advance and he is to proceed inside the convent, turn left ,go up a flight of stairs and enter the room on his right!. This he does, the room is pitch black and he suddenly finds himself falling through a hole in the floor and landing in the basement where in front of him is a large sign!. THANK YOU FOR YOUR VISIT< YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF CHARITYWww@Enter-QA@Com
THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE RACIST! IF YOU TAKE OFFENSE, THEN DELETE MY ANSWER!.
There was this woman in love with three men, one american, one chinese, and one african!. She said "Whoever survives a jump from a 50 foot cliff wins my heart!." The american guy jumped and he died!. Then, the african guy jumped and he fell into a pile of killer bees and died!. Then, the chinese guy jumped and survived!. "How did you survive!?" asked the woman!. The chinese guy said, "Me chinese, me no dumb, me strap pillow to my bum!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
There was this woman in love with three men, one american, one chinese, and one african!. She said "Whoever survives a jump from a 50 foot cliff wins my heart!." The american guy jumped and he died!. Then, the african guy jumped and he fell into a pile of killer bees and died!. Then, the chinese guy jumped and survived!. "How did you survive!?" asked the woman!. The chinese guy said, "Me chinese, me no dumb, me strap pillow to my bum!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb!?
You can unscrew a light bulb
What did 50 Cent say when he got a sweater for Christmas!?!?!?\\
Gee you knit!.!. ( G Unit)
Why did Santa have three gardens!?!?
So he could ho ho hoWww@Enter-QA@Com
2 fleas jump onto a woman 1 is a burgular and ones a drug dealer where abouts are they!?
A!. The burgulars hidding in the bush and the drug dealers sniffing the crackWww@Enter-QA@Com
A!. The burgulars hidding in the bush and the drug dealers sniffing the crackWww@Enter-QA@Com
Question :how were the Indians the first ones in America !?
Answer: They had reservations!!!
I'm so funnyWww@Enter-QA@Com
Answer: They had reservations!!!
I'm so funnyWww@Enter-QA@Com
try googleWww@Enter-QA@Com
Man walks into a bar!.!.!.
Ouch!
*Sorry*Www@Enter-QA@Com
Ouch!
*Sorry*Www@Enter-QA@Com
This is NOT intended to be racist!.!.!.just funny!.
What do pink flamingos put on their front lawns!?
****************
Plastic mexicans!.
:)Www@Enter-QA@Com
What do pink flamingos put on their front lawns!?
****************
Plastic mexicans!.
:)Www@Enter-QA@Com