Does anybody know any good catholic jokes?!
Question: Does anybody know any good catholic jokes!?
ok plzz catholic ppl dont get mad but would anyone tell me sdites that make fun of catholic ppl im sorry i just dont rele like the religion and i think its hilariousx when ppl knock itWww@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
joke 1:
God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out!. He's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday!. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions!.
St!. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars!? It's nice and warm there this time of year!." God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago!. It was ****, no atmosphere and too dusty!."
"What about Pluto!?" suggests another!. "No way!" God mutters!. "I went there 10,000 years ago!. ******* freezing it was too!."
"What about Mercury!?" says another!. "Are you kidding!?" says God!. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again!."
"I've got it," says St!. Peter, his face lighting up!. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation!?"
"You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it!."
joke 2:
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer!. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish!." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish!."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to!." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic!. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking!. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things!. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me!."
The man thought about it for a long time!. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times!. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive!. I wish that I could understand women!. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy!?
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge!?"
joke 3:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak!. after mass he asked the monsignor how he had done!. the monsignor replied, "when I'm worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass!. if I start to get nervous I take a sip!." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice!. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink!. he proceeded to talk up a storm!. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp!.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated!.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late j!.c!.
7) The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and spook
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***
10) We do not refer to the cross as the big T
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say "Eat me"
12) The virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry"
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St!. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St!. TaffyWww@Enter-QA@Com
God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out!. He's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday!. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions!.
St!. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars!? It's nice and warm there this time of year!." God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago!. It was ****, no atmosphere and too dusty!."
"What about Pluto!?" suggests another!. "No way!" God mutters!. "I went there 10,000 years ago!. ******* freezing it was too!."
"What about Mercury!?" says another!. "Are you kidding!?" says God!. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again!."
"I've got it," says St!. Peter, his face lighting up!. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation!?"
"You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it!."
joke 2:
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer!. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish!." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish!."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to!." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic!. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking!. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things!. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me!."
The man thought about it for a long time!. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times!. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive!. I wish that I could understand women!. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy!?
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge!?"
joke 3:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak!. after mass he asked the monsignor how he had done!. the monsignor replied, "when I'm worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass!. if I start to get nervous I take a sip!." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice!. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink!. he proceeded to talk up a storm!. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp!.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated!.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late j!.c!.
7) The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and spook
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***
10) We do not refer to the cross as the big T
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say "Eat me"
12) The virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry"
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St!. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St!. TaffyWww@Enter-QA@Com
Baptism
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step!. Are you prepared for it!?”
“I think so,” the man replied!. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests!.”
“I don't mean that,” the priest responded!. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually!?”
“Oh, sure,” came the reply!. “I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey!.”
No meat on Friday
When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics!. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday!. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them!. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole!. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic!." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right!. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it!.
The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel!. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy!. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard!. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step!. Are you prepared for it!?”
“I think so,” the man replied!. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests!.”
“I don't mean that,” the priest responded!. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually!?”
“Oh, sure,” came the reply!. “I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey!.”
No meat on Friday
When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics!. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday!. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them!. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole!. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic!." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right!. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it!.
The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel!. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy!. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard!. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel!. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr!. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match!." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life!.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus!. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres!.!.!. We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea!. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play!.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match!. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus!.
"Second!?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope!. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus!. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres!.!.!. We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea!. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play!.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match!. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus!.
"Second!?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope!. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
ok im a catholic, but i have a sense of humour!.!.!.
2 nuns were driving down the road in Transylvania!. Suddenly, a vampire jumped out in front of them!. One nun said 'show him your cross', so the other nun wound down the windoe and said 'get out of the way, you toothy git!!'Www@Enter-QA@Com
2 nuns were driving down the road in Transylvania!. Suddenly, a vampire jumped out in front of them!. One nun said 'show him your cross', so the other nun wound down the windoe and said 'get out of the way, you toothy git!!'Www@Enter-QA@Com
I just got a new joke book, so I hope no one is offended!.
A nun was walking down a city street when a mugger dragged her into the bushes & raped her Afterwards, the attacker sneered, "what will you tell your Mother Superior"!?
The nun replied that I was walking down the street and a man dragged me into the bushes & raped me twice!
"But I only raped you once", replied the mugger!.
The nun said, "Surely you're not tired already!"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
How do you get a nun pregnant!? Dress her up like an altar boy!
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
I have more!.!.!.!.e-mail me!Www@Enter-QA@Com
A nun was walking down a city street when a mugger dragged her into the bushes & raped her Afterwards, the attacker sneered, "what will you tell your Mother Superior"!?
The nun replied that I was walking down the street and a man dragged me into the bushes & raped me twice!
"But I only raped you once", replied the mugger!.
The nun said, "Surely you're not tired already!"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
How do you get a nun pregnant!? Dress her up like an altar boy!
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
I have more!.!.!.!.e-mail me!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Check out the jokes section of LiketoLaugh!.com!.
http://www!.liketolaugh!.com/jokes!.php
There are a few jokes in the 'Religious' category, but they are mostly clean!. What you're looking for is more likely in the 'Adult' category!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
http://www!.liketolaugh!.com/jokes!.php
There are a few jokes in the 'Religious' category, but they are mostly clean!. What you're looking for is more likely in the 'Adult' category!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
why did the preist cross the road!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
How do you get a nun pregnant!?
Dress her up like a choir boy!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Dress her up like a choir boy!Www@Enter-QA@Com