Ten points to the person who makes me laughthe hardest!?!
Question: Ten points to the person who makes me laughthe hardest!!?
i like long jokes and i know i already posted this but i can never get enough jokes!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'!?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class
into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun!. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation!.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;
2!. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3!. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and
4!. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it!.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1!. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2!. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3!. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem; and
4!. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model!.
The women won!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class
into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun!. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation!.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;
2!. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3!. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and
4!. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it!.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1!. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2!. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3!. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem; and
4!. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model!.
The women won!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
It's your first time!.
As you lie back your muscles tighten!.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you!.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely!.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place!.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be!.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-
he's done this many times before!.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance!.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible!.
As he presses closer,
going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way,
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues!.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful!.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on!.
He begins going in and out
with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you!.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting,
glad to have it over!.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you,
with a chuckle,
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience!.
You smile and thank your dentist!.
After all,
it was your first time to have a tooth pulled!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
As you lie back your muscles tighten!.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you!.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely!.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place!.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be!.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-
he's done this many times before!.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance!.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible!.
As he presses closer,
going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way,
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues!.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful!.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on!.
He begins going in and out
with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you!.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting,
glad to have it over!.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you,
with a chuckle,
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience!.
You smile and thank your dentist!.
After all,
it was your first time to have a tooth pulled!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood!. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do!.
"Well, you can paint my porch!. How much will you charge!?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars!?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage!. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house!?"
The man replied, "She should!. She was standing on the porch!."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money!.
"You're finished already!?" he asked!. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats!. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50!. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
"Well, you can paint my porch!. How much will you charge!?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars!?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage!. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house!?"
The man replied, "She should!. She was standing on the porch!."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money!.
"You're finished already!?" he asked!. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats!. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50!. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
You like long jokes!? I've got just the one for you!.
*****
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics!?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President!. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government!. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People!. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class!. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future!. Now think about that and see if it makes sense!."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said!. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him!. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper!. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep!. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room and finds his Daddy in bed with the nanny!. He gives up and goes back to bed!.
The next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now!."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about!."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep!. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
*****
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics!?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President!. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government!. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People!. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class!. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future!. Now think about that and see if it makes sense!."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said!. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him!. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper!. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep!. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room and finds his Daddy in bed with the nanny!. He gives up and goes back to bed!.
The next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now!."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about!."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep!. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
You've got mail
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house!. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again!.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box!."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail!."
i know this is dumb but i kant find nottin goodWww@Enter-QA@Com
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house!. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again!.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box!."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail!."
i know this is dumb but i kant find nottin goodWww@Enter-QA@Com
Okay, so the owner of McDonalds talks privately with the Pope!. He offers him half a billion dollars to change the words in the Bible from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily Big Mac" for one year!. The Pope refuses, saying that he can't change the words of the Bible!. The owner of McDonalds insists, bringing his offer up to a million!. The Pope decides to talk it over with his cardinals, and once he gathers them, he says, "I have good news and bad news!. We have made a billion-dollar deal with McDonalds, but we lost our deal with WonderBread!."
Ha ha ha!.!.!.okay, it sucked, but!.!.!.okay, it just sucked!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Ha ha ha!.!.!.okay, it sucked, but!.!.!.okay, it just sucked!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
A koala bear goes to NY for a vacation!.
Wile walking around the city he see a hooker and decides what the heck I'm on vacation!. So he takes the hooker back to his hotel room and tears off her close and and starts to lick her!.
The hooker thinks well this different most costumers just clime on and get right to it!.
The little bear licks and licks and licks!.
Finally he stops and starts to put his cloths back on!.
The hooker says you'll have to pay me now!.!.!. the little bear continues to get dressed!.!.
The hooker realizing he's from out of town and doesn't under stands took out a dictionary and looked up prostitute!.!.!.and show it to the koala bear!.
Prostitute!.!.!. woman that has sex for money!.!.!.
The koala looks up the word Koala bear!.!.
Koala bear!.!.!. cute little mammal from Australia!.!.!. eats bushes and leavesWww@Enter-QA@Com
Wile walking around the city he see a hooker and decides what the heck I'm on vacation!. So he takes the hooker back to his hotel room and tears off her close and and starts to lick her!.
The hooker thinks well this different most costumers just clime on and get right to it!.
The little bear licks and licks and licks!.
Finally he stops and starts to put his cloths back on!.
The hooker says you'll have to pay me now!.!.!. the little bear continues to get dressed!.!.
The hooker realizing he's from out of town and doesn't under stands took out a dictionary and looked up prostitute!.!.!.and show it to the koala bear!.
Prostitute!.!.!. woman that has sex for money!.!.!.
The koala looks up the word Koala bear!.!.
Koala bear!.!.!. cute little mammal from Australia!.!.!. eats bushes and leavesWww@Enter-QA@Com
haha i love fractured fairy tales
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey
along came the spider
who said "whats in the bowl b****"
and then she beat the hell out of him with a spoon
stupid but makes me laugh every time
little miss hubbard went to the store to buy her poor dog a bone
but then rover drove her because he had a bone of his ownWww@Enter-QA@Com
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey
along came the spider
who said "whats in the bowl b****"
and then she beat the hell out of him with a spoon
stupid but makes me laugh every time
little miss hubbard went to the store to buy her poor dog a bone
but then rover drove her because he had a bone of his ownWww@Enter-QA@Com
there where two men sitting down in a bar and one happend to have a very small head!. the other man said not to be rude sir but can you tell me why you have such a small head
the small headed man said sure
around 10 years ago my ship sank and i got stranded on a small island than all of a sudden a mermaid appeard
the mermaid told the man i will grant you three wishes
the first wish was to be rescued the mermaid said in three hours help will be here
the second wish was to have all the money he ever needed
wish granted
the third wish was to have sex but the mermaid said mermaids cannot have sex
so the man said how about a little head hahahaWww@Enter-QA@Com
the small headed man said sure
around 10 years ago my ship sank and i got stranded on a small island than all of a sudden a mermaid appeard
the mermaid told the man i will grant you three wishes
the first wish was to be rescued the mermaid said in three hours help will be here
the second wish was to have all the money he ever needed
wish granted
the third wish was to have sex but the mermaid said mermaids cannot have sex
so the man said how about a little head hahahaWww@Enter-QA@Com
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces!.
These Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1!. The season opened today!.
2!. There is no limit!.
3!. They taste just like chicken!.
4!. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, fishing, country music or Jesus!.
5!. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt!.
6!. Their favorite movie is "Brokeback Mountain"
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
These Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1!. The season opened today!.
2!. There is no limit!.
3!. They taste just like chicken!.
4!. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, fishing, country music or Jesus!.
5!. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt!.
6!. Their favorite movie is "Brokeback Mountain"
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Q) Why was piglet looking into the toilet!?
A) Because he was looking for POOH!Www@Enter-QA@Com
A) Because he was looking for POOH!Www@Enter-QA@Com
What do you call a gay dinosaur!?
Tyrana-sore-***Www@Enter-QA@Com
Tyrana-sore-***Www@Enter-QA@Com
"i ordered the fish just for the hallibut!."
(hell-of-it)
get it haha
our waitress at this restaurant we went to didn't!.
she was like what!.!.!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
(hell-of-it)
get it haha
our waitress at this restaurant we went to didn't!.
she was like what!.!.!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
KNOCK KNOCK
who's there!?
I AM
feel my wrathWww@Enter-QA@Com
who's there!?
I AM
feel my wrathWww@Enter-QA@Com
boooh!
haha! scared u, didn't i!?
wait a sec, was i supposed to make u laugh or scared!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
haha! scared u, didn't i!?
wait a sec, was i supposed to make u laugh or scared!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
The husband phones home in the middle of the day!. The maid answers:
- Hello!
- Maria is that you!?
- Yes! But who you are you!? How do You know my name!?
- It's your boss speaking here! Can you please put my wife on the phone!?
- Ohhh!!! The Mrs can't come to the phone right now!!! She is busy with the tall attractive man!.!.!.
- WHAT!?!?!?!? ARE YOU TELLING ME MY WIFE IS WITH ANOTHER MAN!?!?!?!?
- Well!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
- Don't say anything else Maria! Just go to my desk in the den, open the last drawer and take the gun!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
- Now what boss!?!?!?!?
- Do you have the gun Maria!?
- Yes!
- Now go in there and shoot them both!!!
- Okey-dokey boss!!!
There was a silence then he hears two loud bangs!.!.!.
- Done!!!
- You did it!!! Are you sure they are dead Maria!?!?!?
- Well, I didn't check!.!.!. I just left them there, lying in the swimming pool!!!
- SWIMMING POOL!?!?!?!? I don't have a swimming pool in my house!!!
- You don't!.!.!.
- No I don't!!! Awwww!.!.!. Sorry wrong number!!!!
and this one
Bill Gates died in a car accident!. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God!.!.!.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call!. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell!. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 98!. I'm going to do something I've never done before!. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God!. What's the difference between the two!?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision!." "Fine, but where should I go first!?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you!." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first!." So Bill went to Hell!.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters!. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about!. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect!.
Bill was very pleased!. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went!.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing!. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell!. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision!. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God!. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire!." So Bill Gates went to Hell!.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell!. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave!. He was being burned and tortured by demons!. "How's everything going, Bill!?" God asked!.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected!. I can't believe this happened!. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water!?"
God says, "That was the screen saver"!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
- Hello!
- Maria is that you!?
- Yes! But who you are you!? How do You know my name!?
- It's your boss speaking here! Can you please put my wife on the phone!?
- Ohhh!!! The Mrs can't come to the phone right now!!! She is busy with the tall attractive man!.!.!.
- WHAT!?!?!?!? ARE YOU TELLING ME MY WIFE IS WITH ANOTHER MAN!?!?!?!?
- Well!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
- Don't say anything else Maria! Just go to my desk in the den, open the last drawer and take the gun!.!.!.
!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
- Now what boss!?!?!?!?
- Do you have the gun Maria!?
- Yes!
- Now go in there and shoot them both!!!
- Okey-dokey boss!!!
There was a silence then he hears two loud bangs!.!.!.
- Done!!!
- You did it!!! Are you sure they are dead Maria!?!?!?
- Well, I didn't check!.!.!. I just left them there, lying in the swimming pool!!!
- SWIMMING POOL!?!?!?!? I don't have a swimming pool in my house!!!
- You don't!.!.!.
- No I don't!!! Awwww!.!.!. Sorry wrong number!!!!
and this one
Bill Gates died in a car accident!. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God!.!.!.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call!. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell!. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 98!. I'm going to do something I've never done before!. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God!. What's the difference between the two!?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision!." "Fine, but where should I go first!?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you!." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first!." So Bill went to Hell!.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters!. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about!. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect!.
Bill was very pleased!. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went!.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing!. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell!. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision!. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God!. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire!." So Bill Gates went to Hell!.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell!. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave!. He was being burned and tortured by demons!. "How's everything going, Bill!?" God asked!.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected!. I can't believe this happened!. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water!?"
God says, "That was the screen saver"!.Www@Enter-QA@Com