Joke to cheer me up, please?!


Question: Joke to cheer me up, please!?
Please!.!.!. I'm feeling kinda down and mad at some people!.!.!. jokes to cheer me up!?
Thanks!.Www@Enter-QA@Com


Answers:
Two physical jokes especially for you ;-)

Prof!. E!. Schr?dinger is driving a car and his wife is sitting besides!. Suddenly they spot a cat crossing the road in the very last moment!. Neither of them know whether it has escaped or not!. Mrs!. Schr?dinger cries: "Oh my, I can't just leave if we killed a cat!. Please stop and go look there if it is OK!" But he says, "Are you silly!? Not the accident, but looking at it could kill it!"

Prof!. W!. Heisenberg is driving a car when the policeman stops him!. He asks: "Do you know what fast you were going!?" – "No, but I know very exactly where I am!."Www@Enter-QA@Com

I hope this helps you!.!.!.

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone!. He climbed onto the carton so that he
could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers)!.

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:


Boy: 'Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn!?

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): 'I already have someone to cut my lawn!.'

Boy: 'Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now!.'

Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn!.

Boy: (with more perseverance) : 'Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of
Palm beach , Florida!.'

Woman: No, thank you!.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver!. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy!.

Store Owner: 'Son!.!.!. I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job!.'

Boy: 'No thanks,

Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one!.

Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have!.
I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!'


This is what we call 'Self Appraisal'Www@Enter-QA@Com

Companionship

A businessman checks into a very fancy hotel and tells
the desk clerk that he has no meetings today and would
like some "companionship", price is no object!. The desk
clerk says that he understands and someone will be at
his door in ten minutes!. Ten minutes later there is
a knock on the man's door!. He opens it and sees the
most beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life!.

He tells her, "I'm in no hurry today, let's go real
slow!. What do you get for a hand-job!?" She says, "$1000!."
He screams, "$1000! No hand-job is worth $1000!"

She pulls him to the window, points outside and says,
"You see that liquor store down there!? I bought that
store with the money that I got just from hand jobs!"
He gives her the money and sure enough the hand-job
is like nothing he's ever had before!. She does things
that he didn't believe were possible with a hand!. It's
worth every penny!.

"That's incredible," he says!. What do you get for a
bIow-job!?" She says, "$5000!." "$5000! No bIow-job
is worth $5000!."

She takes him to the window and points, "You see that
Rolls-Royce dealership!? I bought that dealership with
money I got from bIow-jobs!."

He gives her the money and the bIow-job is the greatest
thing he's ever known!. Like rockets and fireworks and
explosions!. When it's over, he says, "I've GOT to have
that pu*sy!" She takes him to the window, points, and
says, "You see that skyscraper!?!. !. !. If I had a pu*sy,
I could buy that skyscraper!."Www@Enter-QA@Com

This blonde chick was really broke and was trying to figure out a way to get some money fast when she was walking past a park, and she spotted a little boy, she reached into her purse and started scribbling a note and went up to the boy, and handed it to him and told him to take it to his mother!. The little boy did as was told and when the mother opened the note it read " I am sorry but I have kidnapped your son, I want 10,000 dollars by tomorrow, leave it in a paper bag behind a tree in the back of the park!. Again I'm really sorry but I really need the money, sincerely the blonde kidnapper!." The next day the blonde went behind the tree and sure enough there was the bag with money and a note that said, " I don't care how hard up for money you are, that's my son and I'm just distgusted one blonde would do this to another blonde!"Www@Enter-QA@Com

difference between a bench and a mexican!?
im sure the bench can support a family of four :

ok there was this kid named johnny
and he was with this girl and the girl said " walk home with me johnny and ill give you 10 cookies!.
johnny said" johnny dont wannnnnt to"
she said" okay ill give you 11 then johnny said okay"
she said " johnny ill give you 20 cookies to take your clothes off" and johnny said" johnny don't wannnnnnt to" then she said i'll give 21 cookies then johnny said " okay!"

so she said ill give you 50 cookies to do me and johnny said "johnny don't want to" then she said ill give you 51"

then johnny said "okay"

he was doing her and then her parents walked in and said johnny get off that girl
johnny said " johnnnny donnt wannnnnt to :) "Www@Enter-QA@Com

1) Why did the boy fall off his bike !?

2) why did the girl fall off the swing!?

3) why did the plane crash!?


Answers:

1) someone threw a refridgerator at him
2) the girl had no arms
3)the pilot was a tomato!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

OMG I feel the exact same way!! I don't have a joke but if you want to laugh and go, "Awwwwwwww!.!.!." then go to http://icanhascheezburger!.com I LOVE THAT WEBSITE!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

panic! at the disco





















they sure are one hell of a joke (told bye some one with no sense of humor)













mash potatosWww@Enter-QA@Com

What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails!?







































One hell of a lonely girlWww@Enter-QA@Com

What's the fastest animal in the world!?------An Ethiopian Chicken!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

Why did steve B win 10 points!?





























cos his joke was funny **** he deserves to winWww@Enter-QA@Com

There was a mistake and England have been given a place in the semis!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."



An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."


a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.



A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."

"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "

"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."



so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.



learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah



There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?



1!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Laxatives !.!.!.!.!. They irritate the crap out of you!.
2!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.Bananas !.!.!.!.!.!. The older they get, the less firm they
are!.
3!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Weather !.!.!.!.!. Nothing can be done to change them!.
4!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.Blenders !.!.!. You need One, but you're not quite sure
why!.
5!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.Chocolate Bars !.!.!. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips!.
6!. Men are like !.!.!.!.Commercials !.!.!.!.!.!. You can't believe a word they say!.
7!. Men are like Department Stores !.!.!.!. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!.
8!. Men are like !.!. Government Bonds !.!.!. !. They take soooooooo long to
mature!.
9!. Men are like !.!. Mascara !.!.!.!.!. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion!.
10!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.Popcorn !.!.!.!.!. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while!.
11!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Lava Lamps !.!.!. Fun to look at, but not very bright!.
12!. Men are like Parking Spots !.!.!.!.!.!.!. All the good ones are taken, the rest
are handicapped!.



There are two women!. And one other woman!. THey are sitting on a bench waiting for the 45 bus!.One of the women says, "Well, my husband's is LONG AND HARD!. and he sticks it right in as if it was a piece of cake!. NO TROUBLE AT ALL!"The other woman said, "well, my husband's is long as well and also hard!. but i have seen your husband's!. it's not as long and hard as MY husband's!. he just puts it in there easily like he's been doing it all day!. he's an expert!"Other woman says, "Hey, YOU DON'T talk about your sex lives in public!"one woman says, "look, we're just talking about our husbands' plumbing skills and toilet plunger!"

Blonde caller:“Can you give me the telephone number for Jack!?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand who you are talking about”
Blond Caller: “On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning!. Now, can you give me the number for Jack!?”







blonde version of who wants to be a millionaire:
fastest finger question: put these Rocky movies in order starting with the earliest!.!.!.!.!.Rocky 1,Rocky 2,Rocky 3,Rocky 4





These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland!.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home!.



They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre!. They went to see "Closed For The Winter"!.

why cant blondes make kool-aid
they cant figure out how they get 8 cups water in the koolaid packet




Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths!."
Blond: Yeth!. And I'm not even thickteen yet


how did the blonde get square boobs
she forgot to take the kleenix out of the box



this blonde ladys friend was somewhat injured and needed to go to the hospital for medical attention!.So she eventually got her to the emrgency!.So the nurse at the er asked her why didnt she just cal "911"!? The blonde lady said"well i couldnt find the "11" button!."



two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, "hey look, bear tracks!" to which the other blonde replies, "no those are deer tracks!" they argue for about an hour!. next morning, news headlines read:two blondes, killed by train!.Www@Enter-QA@Com



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