Who has some really funny johnny jokes for a contest?!
Question: Who has some really funny johnny jokes for a contest!?
Answers:
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals!. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person!.
"Yes," said the policeman!. "The detectives want very badly to capture him!."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture!?"
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a
sentence!.
Molly said!. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the
animals!. It was fascinating!."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate"!.
Sally raised her hand!. She said, "My family went to the Statue of
Liberty
and I was fascinated!."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word
’fascinate!.’"
Johnny raised his hand!. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted
for
his bad language!. She finally decided there was no way he could damage
the
word ’fascinate’, so she called on him!.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are
so
big, she can only fasten eight!."
The teacher fainted!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!!!
The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description!. She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk!." First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it!?" Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally!?" "It’s a banana", replied Sally!. "No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think!." Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it!?" Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy!?" "It’s a tomato" says Billy!. "No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think!." Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny!." "Well Ms!. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny!. "Okay says the teacher!." "What’s round, hard, and has a head!?" replied Little Johnny!. "Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all!." says the teacher!. "It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think!."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit!. "Now
class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of
fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about!."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red!."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely,
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple!."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking!. Now, for the
second!. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish!."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him!. But she skips him again and calls on
Billy!.
"Is it a peach!?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato!. But I like you're
thinking!. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard!."
By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically!. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally!.
"A banana," she says!.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking!."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly!. "Hey,
I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket!.
Okay, I've got it: it's about an inch and a half long, hard, and
it's got a little red head on it!."
"Johnny!" she cries!. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a match stick, but I like your
thinking!"
Little Johnny is in school one day and the teacher asked him to
use the words "bitter end" in a sentence!.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and said "The dog chased the
cat through the house and it bitter end!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
"Yes," said the policeman!. "The detectives want very badly to capture him!."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture!?"
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in
a
sentence!.
Molly said!. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the
animals!. It was fascinating!."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate"!.
Sally raised her hand!. She said, "My family went to the Statue of
Liberty
and I was fascinated!."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word
’fascinate!.’"
Johnny raised his hand!. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted
for
his bad language!. She finally decided there was no way he could damage
the
word ’fascinate’, so she called on him!.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are
so
big, she can only fasten eight!."
The teacher fainted!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!!!
The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description!. She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk!." First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it!?" Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally!?" "It’s a banana", replied Sally!. "No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think!." Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it!?" Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy!?" "It’s a tomato" says Billy!. "No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think!." Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny!." "Well Ms!. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny!. "Okay says the teacher!." "What’s round, hard, and has a head!?" replied Little Johnny!. "Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all!." says the teacher!. "It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think!."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit!. "Now
class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of
fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about!."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red!."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely,
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple!."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking!. Now, for the
second!. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish!."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him!. But she skips him again and calls on
Billy!.
"Is it a peach!?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato!. But I like you're
thinking!. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard!."
By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically!. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally!.
"A banana," she says!.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking!."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly!. "Hey,
I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket!.
Okay, I've got it: it's about an inch and a half long, hard, and
it's got a little red head on it!."
"Johnny!" she cries!. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a match stick, but I like your
thinking!"
Little Johnny is in school one day and the teacher asked him to
use the words "bitter end" in a sentence!.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and said "The dog chased the
cat through the house and it bitter end!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
Johnny is playing in the living room, he is pretending he is loading passengers onto an airplane!. He says "hurry up you M-----r F-----r, get on the plane, come one you @--H---, move your A--, let's go you dip s__t move it!.
Well, the mother hears his language and abusive tone and says to Johnny, "you should not use that language, it is not nice, you should be more polite to people," She walk back into the kitchen!. Johnny says to his passengers, "If we're late, don't blame me, blame the Bi_ch in the kitchen!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Well, the mother hears his language and abusive tone and says to Johnny, "you should not use that language, it is not nice, you should be more polite to people," She walk back into the kitchen!. Johnny says to his passengers, "If we're late, don't blame me, blame the Bi_ch in the kitchen!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman!?"
His Dad replies, "Johnny, both!. God is both!."
Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white!?'
His Dad says, "Both!. God is both!."
Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God!?"Www@Enter-QA@Com
His Dad replies, "Johnny, both!. God is both!."
Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white!?'
His Dad says, "Both!. God is both!."
Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God!?"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Why It's Important to Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose!. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin!. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane!.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader!.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared!.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama!.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied!. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A Chinese man and a Jewish American man were sitting opposite each other in an otherwise empty train carriage!. After half an hour the Jewish man suddenly got up and punched the Chinese guy full in the face then sat back down!. "What did you do that for!?" asked the Chinese man!. The Jewish guy replied!. "That's for Pearl Harbour!." The Chinese man explained that he was Chinese and not Japanese and the Jewish guy said!."Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same to me, I'm sorry"
Ten minutes later the Chinese guy got up and kicked the Jewish guy hard on the shin!. The Jewish guy said, "What did you do that for!? I said sorry!." The Chinese guy replied!. "That's for the Titanic!." The Jewish guy replied!. "That was sunk by an iceberg!." The Chinese guy said, "Icebergs, Goldberg's you are all the same to me!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Did you hear about the blind skunk!?
Fell in love with a fart!
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast!. The mime next door went nuts!.
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Six guys are playing poker!. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table!. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws!. Anderson picks the short one!.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge!.
"Leave it to me," he says!. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards!."
"How much!?" the wife yells, eyes blazing!. "Tell him to drop dead!"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich!. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead!. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going!? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda!. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring!. Eats shoots and leaves!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out!. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me!. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby!. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen!. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming!. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr!. Watson go on a camping trip!. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep!.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend!. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson!.
"And what do you deduce from that!?"
Watson ponders for a minute!.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets!. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo!. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three!. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow!. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe!. What does it tell you, Holmes!?"
Holmes is silent for a moment!. "Watson, you idiot!" he says!. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses!. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed!. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services!. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do!?"!. The operator says "Calm down!. I can help!. First, let's make sure he's dead!." There is a silence, then a shot is heard!. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what!?"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common!?
Their balls are just for decoration!.
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
why did the boy fall off the swing!?
because someone threw a refrigerator at him
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
John, a strawberry seller died and went to heaven!. However, since he bribed many people during his life, St Peter decided that he should be going to hell!. So then the fruit seller decided to bribe St Peter and said that he will give him a tone of strawberries!. St Peter then said that in order to stay in heaven, john will have to shove that tone of strawberries up his A**!. Desperate to stay, john did!. Then came Phil, a friend of john who sold watermelons!. Since he was also involved in bribing, St Peter decided to send Phil to hell!. He too decided to bribe St Peter and said that he will give a tone of watermelons!. Just as St peter asked john he told Phil to shove that tone of watermelon up his A** and he can to stay in heaven!. So Phil did as St Peter asked!. After while john and Phil both started to laugh!. St Peter all confused asked both of them why they r laughing after such a punishment!. John then replied “we r just waiting for our friend…he sold pineapples!”
they aint jonny jokes but i thought u might like them for a contestWww@Enter-QA@Com
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose!. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin!. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane!.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader!.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared!.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama!.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied!. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A Chinese man and a Jewish American man were sitting opposite each other in an otherwise empty train carriage!. After half an hour the Jewish man suddenly got up and punched the Chinese guy full in the face then sat back down!. "What did you do that for!?" asked the Chinese man!. The Jewish guy replied!. "That's for Pearl Harbour!." The Chinese man explained that he was Chinese and not Japanese and the Jewish guy said!."Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same to me, I'm sorry"
Ten minutes later the Chinese guy got up and kicked the Jewish guy hard on the shin!. The Jewish guy said, "What did you do that for!? I said sorry!." The Chinese guy replied!. "That's for the Titanic!." The Jewish guy replied!. "That was sunk by an iceberg!." The Chinese guy said, "Icebergs, Goldberg's you are all the same to me!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Did you hear about the blind skunk!?
Fell in love with a fart!
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast!. The mime next door went nuts!.
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Six guys are playing poker!. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table!. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws!. Anderson picks the short one!.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge!.
"Leave it to me," he says!. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards!."
"How much!?" the wife yells, eyes blazing!. "Tell him to drop dead!"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich!. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead!. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going!? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda!. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring!. Eats shoots and leaves!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out!. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me!. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby!. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen!. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming!. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you!."
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr!. Watson go on a camping trip!. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep!.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend!. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson!.
"And what do you deduce from that!?"
Watson ponders for a minute!.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets!. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo!. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three!. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow!. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe!. What does it tell you, Holmes!?"
Holmes is silent for a moment!. "Watson, you idiot!" he says!. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses!. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed!. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services!. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do!?"!. The operator says "Calm down!. I can help!. First, let's make sure he's dead!." There is a silence, then a shot is heard!. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what!?"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common!?
Their balls are just for decoration!.
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
why did the boy fall off the swing!?
because someone threw a refrigerator at him
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
John, a strawberry seller died and went to heaven!. However, since he bribed many people during his life, St Peter decided that he should be going to hell!. So then the fruit seller decided to bribe St Peter and said that he will give him a tone of strawberries!. St Peter then said that in order to stay in heaven, john will have to shove that tone of strawberries up his A**!. Desperate to stay, john did!. Then came Phil, a friend of john who sold watermelons!. Since he was also involved in bribing, St Peter decided to send Phil to hell!. He too decided to bribe St Peter and said that he will give a tone of watermelons!. Just as St peter asked john he told Phil to shove that tone of watermelon up his A** and he can to stay in heaven!. So Phil did as St Peter asked!. After while john and Phil both started to laugh!. St Peter all confused asked both of them why they r laughing after such a punishment!. John then replied “we r just waiting for our friend…he sold pineapples!”
they aint jonny jokes but i thought u might like them for a contestWww@Enter-QA@Com