Tell me a joke to make me Laugh?!
Question: Tell me a joke to make me Laugh!?
The one that makes me LOL the most Gets the Best answerWww@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
Two guys were walking on the beach!. Just then one of the guys looked up at a seagull just in time for it to drop a load!. It hit the guy in the eye!.
The second guy said, "I'll go get some toilet paper!."
The first guy said, "No, don't worry about it, the bird will be miles away by then!."
---------------------------------
Fortune tellers are the easiest to buy clothes for, why!?
Because they're always a Medium!.
======================================!.!.!.
Once there was a guy who had to give a euology!. He wanted to find better words for the person's death, so he got a Thesaurus!. When he opened the pages to what he was looking for, he found he was at words for a loss!.
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
What's brown and sticky!?
A stick!.
======================================!.!.!.
Hear about the short fortune teller who escaped from jail!?
She was a small, medium at large!.
----------------------------------------!.!.!.
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes!?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean!.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia !. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast!. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean!?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them!. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers!. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean!?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass!. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down!"
======================================!.!.!.
The New Supermarket:
A new supermarket opened near my house!. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh!. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder, then there's the smell of rain!.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and get the scent of hay and grassy fields!.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying!.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn!.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!.
======================================!.!.!.
One day a sick man was lying in his hospital bed, and he had trouble controlling his bowel movements!. After several hours of trying to "hold it in," he wrapped himself up in the bedding and tried to make to the bathroom!. In an embarrassing few seconds, the man didn't make it!. Upset, and angry, he whipped the soiled bedding off his body and chucked it out the window!.
Below was a homeless man and the soiled bedding hit him!. He immediately struggled with the soiled bed sheets, swinging and flailing his fists, finally throwing off the stinky, smelly, and soiled bedding!. He looked up to see a security guard laughing his head off, "That was the funniest thing I ever saw!" The guard said!.
To which the wide-eyed-with-amazement homeless man said, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
======================================!.!.!.
Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies!?
It's too hard to peel the M & M's!.
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M & M sorting line!?
She kept throwing out what she thought were W's!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
The second guy said, "I'll go get some toilet paper!."
The first guy said, "No, don't worry about it, the bird will be miles away by then!."
---------------------------------
Fortune tellers are the easiest to buy clothes for, why!?
Because they're always a Medium!.
======================================!.!.!.
Once there was a guy who had to give a euology!. He wanted to find better words for the person's death, so he got a Thesaurus!. When he opened the pages to what he was looking for, he found he was at words for a loss!.
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
What's brown and sticky!?
A stick!.
======================================!.!.!.
Hear about the short fortune teller who escaped from jail!?
She was a small, medium at large!.
----------------------------------------!.!.!.
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes!?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean!.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia !. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast!. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean!?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them!. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers!. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean!?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass!. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down!"
======================================!.!.!.
The New Supermarket:
A new supermarket opened near my house!. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh!. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder, then there's the smell of rain!.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and get the scent of hay and grassy fields!.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying!.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn!.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!.
======================================!.!.!.
One day a sick man was lying in his hospital bed, and he had trouble controlling his bowel movements!. After several hours of trying to "hold it in," he wrapped himself up in the bedding and tried to make to the bathroom!. In an embarrassing few seconds, the man didn't make it!. Upset, and angry, he whipped the soiled bedding off his body and chucked it out the window!.
Below was a homeless man and the soiled bedding hit him!. He immediately struggled with the soiled bed sheets, swinging and flailing his fists, finally throwing off the stinky, smelly, and soiled bedding!. He looked up to see a security guard laughing his head off, "That was the funniest thing I ever saw!" The guard said!.
To which the wide-eyed-with-amazement homeless man said, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
======================================!.!.!.
Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies!?
It's too hard to peel the M & M's!.
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M & M sorting line!?
She kept throwing out what she thought were W's!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
well here ya go !. !. !.
a teacher was handing out life savors (the candy) and asking the kids what they thought the flavor was!.
teacher handed out a red one to everyone and said "this is something you might put on ice cream can anyone tell me what it is!?"
a little girl raised her hand and said cherry
very good said the teacher here is another "it's something your mommy and daddy may call each-other"
a little boy jumps up and yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S AN @$$-HOLE!!!!"
-------------------------------------
a man was jogging through the park and saw this quadroplegic (no arms or legs) women crying!.
he stopped to see what was wrong with her and she said "well i have never danced with anyone before"
so he picks her up and dances with her for a few minutes puts her back in her wheel chair and asks "fell better"
she says "yes thank you so much that was so nice of you"
he says "your welcome" and off he went
the next day she was in the park!. again she was crying
he asked what was wrong and she replied "i've never been kissed before"
so he kisses her and she grins from ear to ear says thank you he says your welcome and off he goes
the third day he sees her crying again
he says "what's wrong today!?!"
she says "well i've never been screwed before"
so he looks around and no one is looking so he picks her up and throughs her in the lake and screams "your screwed now lady!"
------------------------------
this couple live on a farm he works with the livestock, land, ect!.
she does the house work, dishes, laundry, ect!.
he comes in for lunch one day and says "boy honey your @$$ is getting as big as a 10 row corn picker!."
she ignores him and goes on about her chores
the next day he comes in for lunch and says "boy honey your @$$ is getting as big as a 20 row corn picker"
she again ignores him and goes on about her chores
the third day he comes in and again says "boy honey your @$$ is getting as big as a 30 row corn picker"
yet again she ignores him and goes on about her chores
that night he tries to get frisky and she says "if you think i'm going to start this $50,000!.00 machine to pick one little ear of corn you're crazy"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
a teacher was handing out life savors (the candy) and asking the kids what they thought the flavor was!.
teacher handed out a red one to everyone and said "this is something you might put on ice cream can anyone tell me what it is!?"
a little girl raised her hand and said cherry
very good said the teacher here is another "it's something your mommy and daddy may call each-other"
a little boy jumps up and yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S AN @$$-HOLE!!!!"
-------------------------------------
a man was jogging through the park and saw this quadroplegic (no arms or legs) women crying!.
he stopped to see what was wrong with her and she said "well i have never danced with anyone before"
so he picks her up and dances with her for a few minutes puts her back in her wheel chair and asks "fell better"
she says "yes thank you so much that was so nice of you"
he says "your welcome" and off he went
the next day she was in the park!. again she was crying
he asked what was wrong and she replied "i've never been kissed before"
so he kisses her and she grins from ear to ear says thank you he says your welcome and off he goes
the third day he sees her crying again
he says "what's wrong today!?!"
she says "well i've never been screwed before"
so he looks around and no one is looking so he picks her up and throughs her in the lake and screams "your screwed now lady!"
------------------------------
this couple live on a farm he works with the livestock, land, ect!.
she does the house work, dishes, laundry, ect!.
he comes in for lunch one day and says "boy honey your @$$ is getting as big as a 10 row corn picker!."
she ignores him and goes on about her chores
the next day he comes in for lunch and says "boy honey your @$$ is getting as big as a 20 row corn picker"
she again ignores him and goes on about her chores
the third day he comes in and again says "boy honey your @$$ is getting as big as a 30 row corn picker"
yet again she ignores him and goes on about her chores
that night he tries to get frisky and she says "if you think i'm going to start this $50,000!.00 machine to pick one little ear of corn you're crazy"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt!. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away!. Later the Sgt!. reports to the chief!. “Sorry sir but they got away!.”
The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exist!.”
"I did” replied the Sgt!. but they got away through the Entrance"Www@Enter-QA@Com
The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exist!.”
"I did” replied the Sgt!. but they got away through the Entrance"Www@Enter-QA@Com
Have you heard the one about the blonde that goes to "Jokes & Riddles" & asks for jokes & riddles, instead of reading the jokes & riddles!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
Did you hear about the guy that lost the entire left side of his body!?
He's alright nowWww@Enter-QA@Com
He's alright nowWww@Enter-QA@Com
goege w!.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
no but seriously
this is a good one
and its most likely going to get me best answer
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's ChristmasParty!. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party!.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong!.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table!.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed!.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean!.
So was the rest of the house!. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror!.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove!. I left early to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight!. I love you, darling!"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper!. His son was also at the table, eating!.
Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night!?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A!.M!. , drunk and out of your mind!. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door!."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean!? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me!?!?
His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bi!@h, I'm married!!!'"
The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.
learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. *** Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu *** Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?
Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck!. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St!. Peter!. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about!.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey!."
"Nooooo," said St!. Peter!. "You don't get in!."
The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other!."
"Nooooo," said St!. Peter!. "You don't get in, either!."
The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about!. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover!. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans!. They crucified Him on a cross!. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it!."
"Very good!" said St!. Peter!.
The blonde continued!. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out!. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball!."
St!. Peter fainted!
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor!. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet!.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet!?"
"That's a good question!. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground!."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know!?"
--------------------------------------!.!.!.
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news!. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge!. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned!. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend!." The blonde said, "No!. A bet's a bet!."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money!."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy!. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home andWww@Enter-QA@Com
no but seriously
this is a good one
and its most likely going to get me best answer
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's ChristmasParty!. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party!.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong!.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table!.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed!.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean!.
So was the rest of the house!. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror!.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove!. I left early to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight!. I love you, darling!"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper!. His son was also at the table, eating!.
Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night!?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A!.M!. , drunk and out of your mind!. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door!."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean!? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me!?!?
His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bi!@h, I'm married!!!'"
The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.
learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. *** Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu *** Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?
Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck!. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St!. Peter!. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about!.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey!."
"Nooooo," said St!. Peter!. "You don't get in!."
The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other!."
"Nooooo," said St!. Peter!. "You don't get in, either!."
The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about!. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover!. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans!. They crucified Him on a cross!. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it!."
"Very good!" said St!. Peter!.
The blonde continued!. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out!. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball!."
St!. Peter fainted!
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On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor!. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet!.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet!?"
"That's a good question!. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground!."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know!?"
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A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news!. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge!. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned!. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend!." The blonde said, "No!. A bet's a bet!."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money!."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy!. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home andWww@Enter-QA@Com