PLZ make me laugh!?!


Question: PLZ make me laugh!!?
ok people i need some1 to make me laugh!!!!!!!!!! idk what it is
jokes,quotes , anything! (NOTHING DIRTY)Www@Enter-QA@Com


Answers:
The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."



An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."


a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.



A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."

"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "

"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."



so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.



learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah



There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?



1!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Laxatives !.!.!.!.!. They irritate the crap out of you!.
2!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.Bananas !.!.!.!.!.!. The older they get, the less firm they
are!.
3!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Weather !.!.!.!.!. Nothing can be done to change them!.
4!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.Blenders !.!.!. You need One, but you're not quite sure
why!.
5!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.Chocolate Bars !.!.!. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips!.
6!. Men are like !.!.!.!.Commercials !.!.!.!.!.!. You can't believe a word they say!.
7!. Men are like Department Stores !.!.!.!. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!.
8!. Men are like !.!. Government Bonds !.!.!. !. They take soooooooo long to
mature!.
9!. Men are like !.!. Mascara !.!.!.!.!. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion!.
10!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.Popcorn !.!.!.!.!. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while!.
11!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Lava Lamps !.!.!. Fun to look at, but not very bright!.
12!. Men are like Parking Spots !.!.!.!.!.!.!. All the good ones are taken, the rest
are handicapped!.




blonde version of who wants to be a millionaire:
fastest finger question: put these Rocky movies in order starting with the earliest!.!.!.!.!.Rocky 1,Rocky 2,Rocky 3,Rocky 4





These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland!.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home!.



They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre!. They went to see "Closed For The Winter"!.

why cant blondes make kool-aid
they cant figure out how they get 8 cups water in the koolaid packet




Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths!."
Blond: Yeth!. And I'm not even thickteen yet


how did the blonde get square boobs
she forgot to take the kleenix out of the box



this blonde ladys friend was somewhat injured and needed to go to the hospital for medical attention!.So she eventually got her to the emrgency!.So the nurse at the er asked her why didnt she just cal "911"!? The blonde lady said"well i couldnt find the "11" button!."



two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, "hey look, bear tracks!" to which the other blonde replies, "no those are deer tracks!" they argue for about an hour!. next morning, news headlines read:two blondes, killed by train!.


Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals!. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person!.

"Yes," said the policeman!. "The detectives want very badly to capture him!."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture!?"


The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description!. She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk!." First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it!?" Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally!?" "It’s a banana", replied Sally!. "No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think!." Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it!?" Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy!?" "It’s a tomato" says Billy!. "No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think!." Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny!." "Well Ms!. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny!. "Okay says the teacher!." "What’s round, hard, and has a head!?" replied Little Johnny!. "Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all!." says the teacher!. "It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think!."Www@Enter-QA@Com

About a month ago the President of India decided that he had to get laid!. Going to a high-class whorehouse, he found a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette waiting in the downstairs lounge!.

"I'm the President of India," he said to the blonde!. "How much will it cost me to spend a little time with you!?"

"Three hundred dollars!." was her answer!.

To the redhead he posed the same question!. She replied, "Five hundred dollars!."

He made the same proposition to the brunette!.

She replied, "Mr!. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, lower my panties as far as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times, keep it hard for as long as I have to wait in line at the store, keep me warmer than my apartment in the winter, and screw me like you do the public, believe me, Mr!. President, it isn't going to cost you a dime!"Www@Enter-QA@Com

Man goes to the doctor, says he isn't feeling well!. Doctor examines him!. Very sad expression: "Ten!."

Man: What do you mean, "ten"!? What kind of diagnosis is that, "ten"!?

The doctor remains silent!. Extremely grave face!.

Man [beginning to think]: "Oh God, no! Ten years!?"

Silence!.

"Ten months!?"

No word from the doctor!.

"Ten weeks!?"

Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight, seven!.!.!."Www@Enter-QA@Com

three teachers line up in front of a firing squad sentenced to death for torching poor children by teaching them!.first comes the maths teacher,the firing squad lined up their guns ready to fire,the maths teacher still willing to live hatched a devious plan on the spot!she screamed "EARTHQUAKE!"the fireing squad panicked and ran about in fear,the maths teacher escaped out of the window,then the english teacher was in front of the firing squad he did the same thing exept scream "FLOOD!" the english techer then ran out the backdoor,now the incredibly stupid human biology teacher seeing what the other two teahers had done had finnally caught on to the escape plan,he summoned together all of his intellect and then screamed at the top of his lungs "FIRE!"Www@Enter-QA@Com

Ok One Day my grandparents dragged me to the mall so i could get summer cloths!.when we got there i found a cute pair of shorts that i wanted,so my grandma told me to try them on!.then when i got them on my grandma yelled at the top of her lungs ''HOWS THE CROTH!!''i heard people laughing and i really didnt want to come out but she made me and then she yells GOOD YOU DONT HAVE A CAMEL TOE!!! most embaressing thing everWww@Enter-QA@Com

How did Mr!. X kill the bird!?
Answer: He threw him off a cliff!.

Why cant Mr!. X make ice cubes!?
Answer: Coz he always forgets the recepie!!!

Why does Mr!. X needs the original copy of a document after photo-copying it!?
Answer: To check for spelling mistakes!!!!

How do u distinguish between a cow n a bull!?
Answer: Start milking both of em'!. The one that smiles is the bull!!!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

mark is sitting in the bar , drinking along with his friend ted!.

suddenly mark says ," damn!.!.!.!. i regret one thing i said to my wife!."

ted , thinking that mark and his wife had an argument asks mark sadly , "why!.!.!.!.what did you say that is so regretful!?''

then mark replies , " two words!.!.!.!.I DO"!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

Thanx to my friend Danielle I have the perfect ammunition!

If you are abducted by aliens tell the aliens that a 6 is really a 9 for a distraction then you can escape!

Please Giggle! =]Www@Enter-QA@Com

Go read the joke on the blondes ('Why do we love blondes' or something)!. It's funny, trust me!.Www@Enter-QA@Com

A priest, rabbi and a rabbit walk into the bar
The rabbit goes "Damn, I am in the wrong joke!"Www@Enter-QA@Com

Nothing dirty!?

Sorry mate, I only know dirty jokes!.

Ha!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

how much tme does it take for a person to fall in love!?
-half the time it takes to blink your eyes
-that is why when we fall in love with someone we blink one eye at themWww@Enter-QA@Com

Which one does not Exist

The Dumb Blond
The Smart Blond
Santa Clause
Tooth Fairy



Answer is, The Smart BlondWww@Enter-QA@Com

why do seagulls fly over the sea!?!?
because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls!!Www@Enter-QA@Com

Snoring Problems

A couple has a dog that snores!. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if she can help!. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring!. "Yeah, right," she says!.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual!. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep!. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles!. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies!. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly!. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him!. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles!. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly!.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over!. He stumbles into the bathroom!. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates!. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles!. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, it look like we got first and second place!."


Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland!.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the **** out of each other!. The police get called in to break up the fight!.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court!. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened!.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand!. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride!.

The judge says, 'OK!.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs!.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt!?' Paddy replies!. 'He broke three of my fingers!'


Wine Bottles

A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5!.00!. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get!. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed!. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out!.

A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley!. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all!. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty!. He checked and only had $10!.00, so he put it in the wino's coat!.

The next night, the wino discovers the $10!.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get!. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out!.

Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley!. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends!. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed!. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino!. And like the night before, each one leaves $10!.00 for the wino!.

The next day the wino finds the $100!.00 and goes into the corner store!. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100!.00 could get him!. The astonished clerk replies that for $100!.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff!. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his *** up!.



Teaching A Lesson

A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband!. Suddenly , her husband burst into the kitchen!.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once!. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter!. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER!? They're going to STICK! Careful!. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY!? Have you LOST your mind!? Don't forget to salt them!. You know you always forget to salt them!. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him!. “What in the world is wrong with you!? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs!?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm drivingWww@Enter-QA@Com



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