JK JOkes pretty please with sugar on top Please?!
Question: JK JOkes pretty please with sugar on top Please!?
please tell me a good joke or jokes because I am bored out of my mind!. Best answer will get 10 points!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
Answers:
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe!. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe!. The good news is that you get to choose how you die!."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison!." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down!.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out!.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork!. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere!. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing!?!?!?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
**************************************!.!.!.
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma!. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl!.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk!. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma!. The young girl became frantic!.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear!?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some!.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line!. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes!. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered!. "But, you're so old, how do you do it!?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!."
**************************************!.!.!.
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies!. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic!. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates!. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier!. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle!?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood!. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid!." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man!. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching!. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders!.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison!." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down!.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out!.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork!. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere!. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible!. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing!?!?!?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
**************************************!.!.!.
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma!. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl!.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk!. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma!. The young girl became frantic!.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear!?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some!.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line!. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes!. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered!. "But, you're so old, how do you do it!?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!."
**************************************!.!.!.
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies!. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic!. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates!. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier!. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle!?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood!. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid!." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man!. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching!. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders!.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!."Www@Enter-QA@Com
Sneezing Attack
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first
class!. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes
the tip off!. The woman can't believe what she just
saw and decides she is hallucinating!.
A few minutes pass!. The man sneezes again!. He pulls
out his wang and wipes the tip off!. The woman is about
to go nuts!. She can't believe that such a rude person
exists!. A few minutes pass!. The man sneezes yet again!.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off!. The woman
has finally had enough!. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you!?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you,
ma'am!. I have a very rare condition such that when
I sneeze, I have an orgasm!."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange!. What are you
taking for it!?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper!."
Here's the Aussie version of the Mississippi Joke
2 Italians are talking and 1 is saying
"First you get, 'Oh, Oh' then Dee she comes, then Enna she comes next then Ay come then Dee she comes again, then Ay come again, then with the nice little titties, she comes then Ay come 1 last time and it's all over the place"
A distinguished looking lady says, "You foul mouthed degenerates, how dare you use such filthy sex talk in such a public place!"
The Italian looks at her and says, "Whatsa matter you lady, I no do no dirty sex talk, I'm just telling my mate about the signs I saw when I visited Oodnadatta!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first
class!. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes
the tip off!. The woman can't believe what she just
saw and decides she is hallucinating!.
A few minutes pass!. The man sneezes again!. He pulls
out his wang and wipes the tip off!. The woman is about
to go nuts!. She can't believe that such a rude person
exists!. A few minutes pass!. The man sneezes yet again!.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off!. The woman
has finally had enough!. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you!?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you,
ma'am!. I have a very rare condition such that when
I sneeze, I have an orgasm!."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange!. What are you
taking for it!?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper!."
Here's the Aussie version of the Mississippi Joke
2 Italians are talking and 1 is saying
"First you get, 'Oh, Oh' then Dee she comes, then Enna she comes next then Ay come then Dee she comes again, then Ay come again, then with the nice little titties, she comes then Ay come 1 last time and it's all over the place"
A distinguished looking lady says, "You foul mouthed degenerates, how dare you use such filthy sex talk in such a public place!"
The Italian looks at her and says, "Whatsa matter you lady, I no do no dirty sex talk, I'm just telling my mate about the signs I saw when I visited Oodnadatta!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
why did the chicken cross the road!? 2 get to d other side!.
its so boring
you shouldnt worry wat other people think,why!? they dont do it much often!.
wife:hon, in our 25 anniversary, where will we go!?
husband:to africa
wife:but isnt that to expensive!?what about in our 50th!?
husband:no, in our 50th thats the time ill get you home!.
thats wat ive got, not very funnyWww@Enter-QA@Com
its so boring
you shouldnt worry wat other people think,why!? they dont do it much often!.
wife:hon, in our 25 anniversary, where will we go!?
husband:to africa
wife:but isnt that to expensive!?what about in our 50th!?
husband:no, in our 50th thats the time ill get you home!.
thats wat ive got, not very funnyWww@Enter-QA@Com
nock Knock!
Who's there!?
Nuisance!.
Nuisance who!?
What's nuisance yesterday!?
Knock Knock!
Who's there!?
I don't know!.
I don't know who!?
I told you I don't know!. Why don't you believe me!?
Knock Knock!
Who's there!?
Adair!.
Adair who!?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock!
Who's there!?
Lilli
Lilli who!?
Lilli Brown jug upon my knee!Www@Enter-QA@Com
Who's there!?
Nuisance!.
Nuisance who!?
What's nuisance yesterday!?
Knock Knock!
Who's there!?
I don't know!.
I don't know who!?
I told you I don't know!. Why don't you believe me!?
Knock Knock!
Who's there!?
Adair!.
Adair who!?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock!
Who's there!?
Lilli
Lilli who!?
Lilli Brown jug upon my knee!Www@Enter-QA@Com
The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.
learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?
1!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Laxatives !.!.!.!.!. They irritate the crap out of you!.
2!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.Bananas !.!.!.!.!.!. The older they get, the less firm they
are!.
3!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Weather !.!.!.!.!. Nothing can be done to change them!.
4!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.Blenders !.!.!. You need One, but you're not quite sure
why!.
5!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.Chocolate Bars !.!.!. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips!.
6!. Men are like !.!.!.!.Commercials !.!.!.!.!.!. You can't believe a word they say!.
7!. Men are like Department Stores !.!.!.!. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!.
8!. Men are like !.!. Government Bonds !.!.!. !. They take soooooooo long to
mature!.
9!. Men are like !.!. Mascara !.!.!.!.!. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion!.
10!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.Popcorn !.!.!.!.!. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while!.
11!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Lava Lamps !.!.!. Fun to look at, but not very bright!.
12!. Men are like Parking Spots !.!.!.!.!.!.!. All the good ones are taken, the rest
are handicapped!.Www@Enter-QA@Com
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.
learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?
1!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Laxatives !.!.!.!.!. They irritate the crap out of you!.
2!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.Bananas !.!.!.!.!.!. The older they get, the less firm they
are!.
3!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Weather !.!.!.!.!. Nothing can be done to change them!.
4!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.Blenders !.!.!. You need One, but you're not quite sure
why!.
5!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.Chocolate Bars !.!.!. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips!.
6!. Men are like !.!.!.!.Commercials !.!.!.!.!.!. You can't believe a word they say!.
7!. Men are like Department Stores !.!.!.!. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!.
8!. Men are like !.!. Government Bonds !.!.!. !. They take soooooooo long to
mature!.
9!. Men are like !.!. Mascara !.!.!.!.!. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion!.
10!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.Popcorn !.!.!.!.!. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while!.
11!. Men are like !.!.!.!.!.!.!.Lava Lamps !.!.!. Fun to look at, but not very bright!.
12!. Men are like Parking Spots !.!.!.!.!.!.!. All the good ones are taken, the rest
are handicapped!.Www@Enter-QA@Com