Any body know some great jokes, the one that i think is the best is the one ill !
Question: Any body know some great jokes, the one that i think is the best is the one ill choose as my best answer!?
Answers:
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime!. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the
couple decided to get a guard dog!.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog!."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out!. All we have left is this little Scottie dog!. But he knows karate!."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair!."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table!." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half!.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog!. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ***!"?
LOL
Here is another:
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt!. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step!.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little!. She still could not reach the step!. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more!. Still, she couldn't reach the step!.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way!. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step!.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus!. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!."
Omg this is funny
Here is one more:
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game!. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout!. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it!. "Yeah, it was great," she said!. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff!. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused!. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter!. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
couple decided to get a guard dog!.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog!."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out!. All we have left is this little Scottie dog!. But he knows karate!."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair!."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table!." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half!.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog!. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ***!"?
LOL
Here is another:
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt!. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step!.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little!. She still could not reach the step!. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more!. Still, she couldn't reach the step!.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way!. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step!.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus!. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!."
Omg this is funny
Here is one more:
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game!. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout!. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it!. "Yeah, it was great," she said!. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff!. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused!. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter!. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"Www@Enter-QA@Com
there was 2 boys, brothers!. they were 7 and 4!. the 7 year old said:
7year oldboy: james, i think its about time we start cussing!.!.
4year oldboy: yeh!!! we should, what should we say!?
7year oldboy: im gunna say: momma gimmie some f uck1ng cheerios!!
4year oldboy: yay! what should i say!?!?!?
7year oldboy: make up your own, make sure its good though!
4year oldboy: dont worry, i will!
the boys went downstairs only to find thier mother doing the dishes!. she asked what they wanted for breakfast!.
7year oldboy: momma, gimmie some ******** cheerios!.
mother: albert wood!! get up stairs right now you naughty boy!!
she slapped his bum all the way up the stairs and he was in tears!. she came back downstairs looking rather angry!.
mother: 'WHAT DO YOU WANT JAMES!?!?!!'
the boy said upset: 'i dunno momma, but i definetly dont want some bastard cheerios!!!!
lol i like that one, theres another one that i like but is quite rude!. but il tell you it in anyway:
two nuns are riding on bikes!. one nun says:
'mary, i think it would be a good idea to change the route we normally take!.'
'i agree,' said the other nun!.
so, they went down a short imbankment to a cobled street!. both nuns were smiling!.
'Wwow WOWW, ive never EVER came this way before!.'
'what!?' said the other nun
'i said, ive never COME this way before'
'ohhh!.!.!.!.' said the other nun,
'me niether, it must be the coble stones'
haha cracks me up all the time!Www@Enter-QA@Com
7year oldboy: james, i think its about time we start cussing!.!.
4year oldboy: yeh!!! we should, what should we say!?
7year oldboy: im gunna say: momma gimmie some f uck1ng cheerios!!
4year oldboy: yay! what should i say!?!?!?
7year oldboy: make up your own, make sure its good though!
4year oldboy: dont worry, i will!
the boys went downstairs only to find thier mother doing the dishes!. she asked what they wanted for breakfast!.
7year oldboy: momma, gimmie some ******** cheerios!.
mother: albert wood!! get up stairs right now you naughty boy!!
she slapped his bum all the way up the stairs and he was in tears!. she came back downstairs looking rather angry!.
mother: 'WHAT DO YOU WANT JAMES!?!?!!'
the boy said upset: 'i dunno momma, but i definetly dont want some bastard cheerios!!!!
lol i like that one, theres another one that i like but is quite rude!. but il tell you it in anyway:
two nuns are riding on bikes!. one nun says:
'mary, i think it would be a good idea to change the route we normally take!.'
'i agree,' said the other nun!.
so, they went down a short imbankment to a cobled street!. both nuns were smiling!.
'Wwow WOWW, ive never EVER came this way before!.'
'what!?' said the other nun
'i said, ive never COME this way before'
'ohhh!.!.!.!.' said the other nun,
'me niether, it must be the coble stones'
haha cracks me up all the time!Www@Enter-QA@Com
The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge!.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall!.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there!.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy!.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative!.He seems to be doing ok now!.!.!.!.!. I guess!." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy!?!? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not!?!? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!!.!.!.!.!."
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.
learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?Www@Enter-QA@Com
An old man, went to the doctor to get a physical!.
A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm!.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you!?"
He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!."
a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady!.he says to her boy u have a big butt!.!.!.she goes!.!.!.why you!.!.!.!.!.and starts smacking him around!.he goes in the mens room!.!.!.fixes him self up!.!.!.!.combs/fixes his hair!.!.!.!.!.straightens out his glasses!.!.!.puts his teeth back in etc!. He goes back and sits beside the same lady!.He says to her!.!.!.!.boy u got small boobs!.!.!.!.!.she says do i really!.!.!.hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger!.She says how!. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off!.!.!.!.take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs!.!.!.she says omg!.!.!.do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it!.!.!.it worked on your big butt didnt it!.!.!.
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents!. They sit down and
have a conversation!.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first!. Den I come!. Den two esses acoma together!. I
come once-a-more!. Two esses, they comma together again!. I
come again and pee twice!. Then I come one lasta time!."
"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
!.” In this country !. !. !. we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives!. !. !. "
"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you!?," said the man!. "Who talkin' abouta
sex!?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'!."
so theres this doctor that did circumcisions!.After many years he decides its time to retire!.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins!.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company!.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring!." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you!."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him!.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets!. He says to his friend"wallets!!? Is that all i get after all these years!!?" His friend says"Relax my friend!.You see its not just ordinary wallets!. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set!.
learn to speak chinese:
1) That's not right !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Dum ***
5) Small Horse !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach!? !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week !.!.!. Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. Fa Kin Su Pah
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St!. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies!.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well!.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa!.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other!.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman!.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"!.
So, they wiggled up close to each other!.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer!.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY!?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!?Www@Enter-QA@Com