Need jokes/funny stories to cheer me up?!
Question: I need jokes. I'm really depressed right now because I found out that it's impossible for me to do something I had been looking forward to for more than 3 years, my friend and I had a HUGE fight, my boyfriend broke up with me, and I have PMS to boot. (All in the same day!)Anyhow, I need to laugh again. Please, any jokes you have would be great.
Answers: I need jokes. I'm really depressed right now because I found out that it's impossible for me to do something I had been looking forward to for more than 3 years, my friend and I had a HUGE fight, my boyfriend broke up with me, and I have PMS to boot. (All in the same day!)Anyhow, I need to laugh again. Please, any jokes you have would be great.
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
A blond was getting her hair cut, and was wearing headphones. She told the hairdresser to just cut around them. THe hairdresser thought it was odd, but started cutting anyway. As she approached the girls ears, the haircut started looking weirder and wierder. She asked the girl again if she could take of the headphones, but the girl said NO!!! After several more attempts to get the girl to take off the headphones to no avail, the hairdresser decided to just slide them off very carefully, as the girl started to doze off. As soon as they were off, the girl fell to the floor unconcious. The hairdresser had no idea what could be playing in the headphones that would cause such a result, so she cautiously put them to her ears...
"breathe in"
"breathe out"
"breathe in..."
Why did the blond have square boobs?
She forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Hope these cheer you up!
Lil' Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word "penis" while they were playing on the school yard. Johnny's friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Lil' Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you." So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants and proudly announced, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis!"
The next day at school, Lil' Johnny found his friend and took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and said, "See that? That's a penis." He paused for a moment and added, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"
two muffins are in an oven
the first muffin goes "its hott in here"
the second muffin goes " OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
i know its on this site a million times
but it always cheers me up (:
cheer up! watch a comedy movie, im sure it will make you feel better!
two old ladies stand on the block smoking a cig. One lady pulls out a C0nd0m and puts out the cig. The other lady asks what it is and she replies a c0nd0m. Where do you get them? A drugstore! So the next day the old lady walks into a drugstore and asks for some cond0ms. The clerk is a bit embarrased, but asks what she will be using them for. then he has a heart attack. when the paramedics arrive and asked him what happened, he said, "She said they were for a camel!"
i do hope you are feeling better we all have bad days ,cheer up the world need you !
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, Larry, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world.
Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever.
When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog.
Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole!
Osama replied, "We don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves!"
Uncle Sam said, “That’s nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
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Whilst a man is on a night out he asks for advice on how to turn his wife on as he is not having much luck.
Someone tells him, when you get in tonight without saying a word ,just get under your covers and give your wife a good old licking.
So when he gets home he does just that. unfortunately her minge tastes disguting and he has to rush to the bathroom to wash his mouth out.
When he gets in bathroom he is greeted by his wife saying Shh Shh you'll wake your mother
If you like it 10 points please
MEN NEVER LISTEN!!
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. ' Sir', she said ' You may use the ladies
room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP,
and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice
things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed
the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a
restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. He was immediately
knocked out by an excruciating pain.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.'
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are now in
this jar, sir.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN, DO THEY?