Someone tell me a really funny joke so I can impress my boyfriend and his bros?!
Question: Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
If you like it, 10 points please
Answers: Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
If you like it, 10 points please
Two men are golfing when they catch up with a pair of ladies in front of them. The women are duffing the ball pretty badly, and it becomes evident that it will be a long afternoon unless they play through.
The first man says, "I'll go up and ask if we can play through." He gets about three-quarters of the way there, and then turns back around. When he returns, his face is white as a sheet! He says to his friend, "You're not going to believe this, but one of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"
"Ouch!" replies his friend. "That's not a good combination. You'd better let me handle this." He approaches the two women, but gets no closer than his friend did, when he does a sudden turnaround as well.
As he approaches his friend, he says rather sheepishly, "Funny coincidence....",
AN OLD COUPLE WERE SITTING DOWN TO DINNER WHEN THE OLD LADY ASKED HER HUSBAND "DID YOU KNOW THE DOGS GONE DEAF"
"NO" SAID THE OLD MAN "HOW DO YOU WORK THAT OUT..?"
THE OLD LADY REPLIES "WELL IV JUST TOLD THE DOG TO SIT AND YOU HAD BETTER GET A SHOVEL...!"
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make ’em all ugly again."
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
THREE YEARS AGO, YOU SAID TO GO TO HAWAII. I WENT TO HAWAII AND EARLENE GOT PREGNANT.
THEN TWO YEARS AGO, YOU TOLD ME TO GO TO THE BAHAMAS, AND EARLENE GOT PREGNANT AGAIN.
LAST YEAR, YOU SUGGESTED TAHITI AND DARNED IF SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT AGAIN!"
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "THIS YEAR SHE'S GOIN' WITH ME!!"