Is this a good intro for my story??!
Question: It is copyrighted already.
Damien Risquette stood on his Manhattan penthouse balcony, he sipped a glass of champagne as he looked down at the people below, and the rush hour traffic that was starting to manifest itself. Upon hearing the clacking of heels behind him, he turned around, and almost dropped his glass.
“Good morning,” said Justine Longston, his housemaid.
I thought she had the day off he thought.
“Hello Justine” he replied. He handed Justine the empty glass who took it with a confused look, then he walked back into the house and shut the terrace doors behind him.
Justine followed behind, her black heels clacked on the wood floors.
“Justine is there something you wanted?” Damien asked a bit irritated.
“No there’s nothing Mr. Risquette” she mumbled back, then slowed her pace behind him.
She turned down a hallway into the kitchen and Damien walked into the entrance hall of his four story penthouse apartment.
He heard the phone ring and went to pick it up, but Justine get to it first from the kitchen. He walked to the doorway in the hall and listened in
“Hello” Justine said into the speaker.
He could not quite make out what was being said on the other line, but assumed it must have been important due to Justine’s stunned expression.
She babbled inaudibly then hung the phone back on its hook. When he heard her footsteps approach the hall, he walked back into the entrance hall and pretended he had been in there the entire time.
He looked up at the glass chandelier, when Justine walked up to him.
“That was the doorman on the phone,” she said. “There is a man downstairs who wishes to speak with you.”
Damien looked at her. “Well, send him up then.”
“But-”
Before she had a chance to say anything, Damien walked past her and went up the spiral staircase to the second floor.
“I’ll be in the lounge room” he called out from the balcony overlooking the entrance hall.
Justine looked up at him, her eyes hinted at what she was thinking but chose not to say.
“Just bring him here” he retorted.
Justine knew from having worked for both Damien and his family that when a Risquette asked you to do something, you did it. No ifs, ands or, buts.
Answers: It is copyrighted already.
Damien Risquette stood on his Manhattan penthouse balcony, he sipped a glass of champagne as he looked down at the people below, and the rush hour traffic that was starting to manifest itself. Upon hearing the clacking of heels behind him, he turned around, and almost dropped his glass.
“Good morning,” said Justine Longston, his housemaid.
I thought she had the day off he thought.
“Hello Justine” he replied. He handed Justine the empty glass who took it with a confused look, then he walked back into the house and shut the terrace doors behind him.
Justine followed behind, her black heels clacked on the wood floors.
“Justine is there something you wanted?” Damien asked a bit irritated.
“No there’s nothing Mr. Risquette” she mumbled back, then slowed her pace behind him.
She turned down a hallway into the kitchen and Damien walked into the entrance hall of his four story penthouse apartment.
He heard the phone ring and went to pick it up, but Justine get to it first from the kitchen. He walked to the doorway in the hall and listened in
“Hello” Justine said into the speaker.
He could not quite make out what was being said on the other line, but assumed it must have been important due to Justine’s stunned expression.
She babbled inaudibly then hung the phone back on its hook. When he heard her footsteps approach the hall, he walked back into the entrance hall and pretended he had been in there the entire time.
He looked up at the glass chandelier, when Justine walked up to him.
“That was the doorman on the phone,” she said. “There is a man downstairs who wishes to speak with you.”
Damien looked at her. “Well, send him up then.”
“But-”
Before she had a chance to say anything, Damien walked past her and went up the spiral staircase to the second floor.
“I’ll be in the lounge room” he called out from the balcony overlooking the entrance hall.
Justine looked up at him, her eyes hinted at what she was thinking but chose not to say.
“Just bring him here” he retorted.
Justine knew from having worked for both Damien and his family that when a Risquette asked you to do something, you did it. No ifs, ands or, buts.
Wow that was an excellent story.
"He heard the phone ring and went to pick it up, but Justine GOT to it first from the kitchen."
"I thought she had the day off he thought."
There was a few grammatical errors. But other than that, that was really impressive. I like the way you use imagery; it really shows that you pay attention to detail. As well as the words you used like 'retorted', and 'overlooking'. Very brave, because not a lot of people take risks and use them as well as you have. I'd love to hear the rest. Keep up the good work!
yes
Yeah! Go for it! That beginning will definitely hook some one to the story! BTW, wrong section dude!
That is really good! What happens next? Great intro! I want to read the rest of your story.
Well its so exciting! Would send me the whole story, when you've finished it? XD borokmail@yahoo.com
thanks!
it starts like a good story!
dun dun dun
The only thing that bothered me was the
"I thought she had the day off he thought."
It was like you were repeating yourself in that one sentance on how he thought.
But in other words, email me when you finish it. It sounds really good.
Yes
Hmm interesting, your kind of portraying Damien in an older way. I was wonder you up for some story competition?
Other than your "I thought she had the day off" thing that others mentioned, good. Definitely leaves the reader wanting more. I'm both a reader and a writer so good job!