10 POiNTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!
Question: Who ever can tell me the best joke wins 10 points!
Any sort - i dont mind!
I am just very very bored and need a good laugh
good luck
Answers: Who ever can tell me the best joke wins 10 points!
Any sort - i dont mind!
I am just very very bored and need a good laugh
good luck
Three men were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser that you are!"
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Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
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A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
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So what you think of those?
xx =] xx
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from KFC.
Lame I know but really I got nothing good this AM
I hope inside jokes count.lol. "P.S. your thieghs giggle very violently in P.E. class."lol.
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
I got this one from a magazine.
Aladdin keeps rubbing his lamp so that the genie will come out. He rubs it one time, nothing happens. He does it again, nothing happens. Then he picks up the lamp, and notices a stamp on the bottom that says "MADE IN CHINA"
I hope that makes you laugh :))
so this lady dies and goes to heaven...she gets to the pearly gates where God is waiting for her, as she's about to enter she hears a loud scream. "What was that?" she asks God. "The angels are making holes in her back for her Angel wings"
"ok" she responds. Then she hears another scream "What was THAT?" she asked. "The angels are making holes in her head for her halo"
at this point the lady is trembling and looks to the left where she sees a black door. She asked God was was through that door and he told her it was hell. She decides she would rather go to hell after hearing the screams from heaven.
God says to her "You don't want to go there, the Devil has s e x with you every day if you go there" she turns around, walks towards the door and says to God "That's ok, those holes are already made"
:)
A blonde,ginger and brunette are captured. They are told that if they are told 100 jokes and don't laugh they can get set free. So he started telling the jokes:
The ginger laughed at joke number 34 and was kept in a cell.
The brunette got to 67 and was also kept in a cell.
The blonde got to 99.
He asked her "Why did u laugh at 99?"
She replied " I just got the answer to the first one"
Hehe Linzi xxxx
He's one but it's pretty old, and I also borrowed it from someone else:
Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.
'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were blo*dy hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? posh & the kids Ok?'
'Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me head up.' 'Whatever's the matter?' says fergie 'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........'
'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing sh*t because of a blo*dy jigsaw?' 'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'
'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'
'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er... on the box...er.....sorry boss.' 'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the blo*dy jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'. 'Thanks boss.' says David.
So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office. 'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and everything..'
Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk. Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham........
'Put the Frosties back in the box David'...........
ok here's a good joke if you will go to my question and please read it and do the best you can to answer it its the question about my grandpa in this same category but its not a joke idk why it got autimatically put in this category. Ok 2 old ladies were living together and one was walking up the stairs. (they were in there 90s) the one walking up the stairs was like ok i forget if i was walking up or downstairs now. So then one was upstairs getting in the tub to take a bath she said ok I forget if I was getting in the tub or out. so the other lady says well ok i'll see if i can determine if you were getting in or out of the tub soon as I determine if I am going up or down the stairs. The one waiting at the tub said at least I don't have that kind of problem like you do, knock on wood. So the other lady says I 'll be up soon as I answer the door. Hope this made you laugh! =) It was on Joel Osteen Ministry shows. =)
Now, in the good old days, when knights were proud and brave, a knight would go off to join the Crusade. This knight called upon his esquire, "I am joining the Crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If I have not returned in 10 years, you can use the key."
The knight started his journey along the dusty road, wearing armor from head to toe. He gave his castle one last glance before it disappeared in the distance. Suddenly, he saw his esquire running toward him.
Out of breath, the esquire said, "Oh, sir ... it is a good thing I caught up with you in time. You have given us the wrong key!"
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Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
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An Army colonel was reviewing his troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yes, sir," the sergeant replied.
A few months later, the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The colonel grew angry. "Sergeant! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yes, sir," the sergeant replied.
"Then what's his problem?" the colonel asks.
The sergeant saluted and said, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
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Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Enjoy and if you like it 10 points pls
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Once a french man owned a donut shop in the us, but he did not know much english. one day a man comes in and asks what do you sell here. the man replys be quiet. the man says no no you're supposed to say donuts,donuts. then the next day another man comes in, and he asks what do you sell here, donuts donuts was the man's reply. then the man asked, are they fresh. the french guy said be quiet. no said the customer, you're supposed to say yes,yes, very fresh. The next day another man comes in. he asks what they sell. the french man days donuts, donts. The customer says are they fresh. yes, yes, very fresh. then he says I want to bu one donut. the french man says bequiet. the customer says, no no, you're supposed to say, if u don't someone else will. then rthe very next day, a robber comes in. he says whats in the register. french says donuts donuts. robber says are you trying to be fresh w/ me? french says yes yes very fresh. robber says im gonna shoot you! the french guy says if u don't, someone else will! LOLZ!
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.''
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
A salesman telephoned a household, and a
four-year-old boy answered. Salesman: “May
I speak to your mother?”
Boy: “She’s not here right now.”
Salesman: “Well, is anyone else there?”
Boy: “My sister.”
Salesman: “O.K., fine. May I speak to her?”
Boy: “I guess so.”
At this point there was a very long silence on the
phone.
Then:
Boy: “Hello?”
Salesman: “It’s you. I thought you were going to call
your sister.”
Boy: “I tried. But I can’t get her out of the playpen.”