Cheer me up please..with the funniest or weirdest story?!


Question: Im bored today and have nothing to do because I can't drive due to a fractured ankle
Tell me a funny story, weird story, funny joke or anything to make me smile. 10 points for the funniest or weirdest story... you can even make up a story!!!


Answers: Im bored today and have nothing to do because I can't drive due to a fractured ankle
Tell me a funny story, weird story, funny joke or anything to make me smile. 10 points for the funniest or weirdest story... you can even make up a story!!!

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just $h!t my pants!!!"
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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
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There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.


One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"
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One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
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Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "sh*t" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a b*tch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "f*ckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a b*tch, sh*ts on the table and mom and dad are upstairs f*ckin."

why do dogs get mad when you blow in their face but when u put them in a moving car they stick their head out the window?

we were driving down to the beach stoned and the person in front of us had their left turn signal on the whole way. i was voted to hang out the window, on the highway, holding up a poorly written sign saying "are you mental?" we got pulled over by the cops and we were still laughing about it uncontrollably when the police man said "i'm gonna need to search the vehicle." and the dumbass driving said "where's your warrent, cop?" haha it was just a had to be there situation, we got off with a ticket. luckily it didn't smell like weed.

Baby Polar Bear: Mom
Mommy Polar Bear : Yes Dear
Baby Polar Bear: Am i a polar bear?
Mommy Polar Bear : Yes Dear
Baby Polar Bear: are you sure i'm a polar bear?
Mommy Polar Bear : Yes Dear
Baby Polar : no but are you absolutely certain i'm a polar bear?
Mommy Polar Bear : Yes Dear, i'm certain your a polar bear
why do you keep asking me that?
Baby Polar Bear: CAUSE I'M F****ING FREEZING

Whats the difference between a Tractor and a Giraffe?
One has Hydraulics and the other a High Bollicks

Whats the difference between a nun and a woman in the bath?
One has hope in her Soul, the other has Soap in her hole.

Why did the Middle Eastern chicken cross the road?
to get to the other Sayid.

whats a definition of agony?
a one armed man hanging from a cliff with an itchy balls.



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