The Funniest Joke You Have Ever Heard?!
Question: Clean or Racy, Stupid or Funny
Whatever joke you find funniest, please please tell me
Whatever makes me laugh most I will pick best answer!
Thanks!
Answers: Clean or Racy, Stupid or Funny
Whatever joke you find funniest, please please tell me
Whatever makes me laugh most I will pick best answer!
Thanks!
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse **** from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
Why are black people's nostrills so big?
That's what god held them by when he was painting them.
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."
You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
A priest is traveling in his church bus when he sees a sign reading " Sister Mary's Whore House". "Just my type of place" the priest says to himself. He takes the exit and arrives at Sister Mary's Whore House. When he gets inside he sees a beautiful nun up front. He asks " Can I get fu*ked here?" The nun responds"Oh yes, give me fifty dollars and go through that door there." The priest pays and goes through the door. Here he meets another nun, this one more beautiful than the last. "Can I get fu*ked here?" the priest excitedly asks. " Yes, give me $50 and go down the hall and through that door." He pays and goes through the door as instructed. Again , another beautiful nun saying "give me $50 and go through that door." Paying the money and going through the final door, he finds himself outside with a big sign saying "You Have Just Been FU*KED By The Sister Mary's Wore House".
there's 3 chinese bros.
they move to america and get jobs.
the first one gets a job working at a music store, and the only thing he learns to say is "meee meee mmeeeee!!!!" .
the second one gets a job working at a restaurant, and the only thing he learns to say is "forks and knives, forks and knives".
the third one gets a job at a candy store and only learned to say "goody-good-good! goody-good-good".
so, one day, they are walking down the highway and find a body. a cop pulls up and asks, "who did this?"
the first brother says "meee meee mmeeeee"
then the cop says "how'd u do it?"
the second brother says "forks and knives, forks and knives"
then the cop says "ok, your going to jail"
the third brother replies "goody-good-good, googy-good-good!"
next joke:
there's a guy and he has to take a crap, but he's on the side of the road walking, and the only place he sees is behind some trees.
he goes and takes a crap but a cop pulls up and says "you cant do that, if you do again, ill put you in jail!"
the guy says ok.
then like two years later, the guy has to take a crap and there is only bushes around. he is like what the hell, and takes one.
the same cop pulls up.
the guy notices him and quickly scoops up his crap.
the cop comes up and is like, "whats' in your hands?" the guy replies, "its my little red devil"
the cop asks to see it.
the guy says no cuz he'll get away, but the cop is like, "ill grab it so it doesnt get away." then the guy goes "ok, but be really fast."
then he opens his hands and the cop grabs it.
the guy is like, "dude, you squeezed the shi* out of my little red devil"
next one:
there is a four story building, the first floor has a deli. the second, a paint shop, the third is a karate place, the fourth, a butcher shop. the karate guy has to go pee but someone is in the bathroom, so he goes out the window. at the same time the butcher gets pissed off and throws his knife out the window. it chops off the guy's weenie, then the weenie falls in some green paint on the second floor and bounces out. it falls on the first floor step and the deli guy is like, oh i missed a pickle. he wraps it up and puts it with the others. this lady buys it and takes it home to eat. the next day she comes back and is like, "got anymore of those pickles?"
next one:
a blonde goes into a barber and asks for a haircut, the barber is like, you have to take off your headfones.
so she's like, no ill keep them on, and leaves, the next day, same thing, then the third day the barber is like, wutever and he takes them off of her. she passes out. the barber puts on the headfones, and hears "breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out."
THANK YOU....HOPE U LIKE...
one day a black man died. he went to heaven and there he met god. God gave him a pair of wings and the black man replied and said "does this make me an angel?" and god said no"it makes you a bat"..
what do you call a sheep in wales........a leisure centre.
Subject: Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
"I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, ......
"You gonna try again."