Any jokes to tell me??!
Question: PLEASE I NEED JOKES!!
Answers: PLEASE I NEED JOKES!!
There were four aliens who came to Earth to take it over, but they knew that before they could do that, they had to learn the Earthling language. So they each split up in that attempt.
The first alien went to an opera house and heard someone singing "?Mi-mi-mi-miiiiii!?" The second alien went to a restaurant and heard someone say "Knives and forks! Knives and forks!" The third alien went to a music concert and heard someone singing "?Over the rainbow...?" The fourth alien went to a kindergarten class and heard a little kid cry, "He stole my lollipop!"
The aliens were then together and walking in the park, when all of a sudden, they saw a dead body that's been recently killed. A police car came by and a police officer came and interrogated them. He asked, "Okay, who was it that killed this man?"
The first alien said, "Mi-mi-mi-miiiiii! (Me-me-me-meeeee!)"
The officer asked, "What did you kill him with?"
The second alien said, "Knives and forks! Knives and forks!"
The officer asked, "And where are those knives and forks?"
The third alien sang, "?Over the rainbow...?"
The officer finally asked, "Okay, why did you kill him?"
The fourth alien cried, "He stole my lollipop!"
Here's another one.
Once upon a time, there was a preschooler whose homework assignment was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet. He asked his father about what the first four letters are and his father said, "WILL YOU GO TO HELL, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE!!!" He then asked his mother who was talking to his father. His father whispered something in her ear and she said, "Yippee! Let's go!" He then saw the garbage man outside and went to ask him, but the garbage man completely ignored him and sang, "?In the garbage, in the garbage...?" Finally, he went to his brother and asked him, but he completely ignored him and was watching a television show. The voice on the television was singing, "?Spiderman, spiderman...?"
The kid then went to preschool on the next day and his teacher asked him for the first four letters of the alphabet. The kid said, "WILL YOU GO TO HELL, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE!!!" The teacher, who was very shocked and angry, sent him to the principal's office, and the kid said, "Yippee! Let's go!" When he arrived at the office, the principal asked him, "Where do you live?" The kid sang, "?In the garbage, in the garbage...?" The principal then said, "Okay, who do you think you are!?" The kid then sang, "?Spiderman, spiderman...?"
You!!
sandwich walks into a bar..... the bar tender says we dont serve food!!
what do you call two mexicans playin basketball?
Juan on Juan..haha
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as
your elbow, I'm in room 1221
&&
"Daddy, daddy, I have met a lovely crab and I want to marry him". "No way are you marrying one of ugly side walking critters" her father reolies. " Please,please,wont you just meet him"asks the sea horse. "Very well" says the dad,"Have him here at 10 o clock tommorrow." The seahorse informs the crab and goes to his rock the following day to pick him up. She knocks on his rock and he comes out walking straight as a die. "How have you done that" she asks. "Keep quiet" he says "I*m pissed".
Here's one I know:
Paitent in doctor's office.
Paitent: Doc, I get this shooting pain in my eye whenever I drink coffee.
Doctor: Have you tried taking the spoon out?
My grandpa told me this one:
A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks the man at the counter if they have Viagra. "Yes ma'am we do"
"Well... does it work?"
"Yes ma'am, of course it does.."
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"...If I take two."
shakespeare went into a pub and the barman said get out your bard.
Most of these are kiddie jokes...but i can't think of many that aren't kiddie
Why don't people hug you?
Because they get caught in your ugliness.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a antelope?
A chickelope (CHICK-AA-LOPE).
What do you call a puppy who loves anchovies and garlic?
A dog whose bark is thousand times worse then it bite.
Why do skunks smell so bad?
Cheap Cologne.
Why did the cow enroll in drama class?
Too become a moo-vie star.
Where do space explorers leave their space craft?
At parking meteors.
Why did the dog lie on it's back sticking its feet staright up into the air?
It hoped to trip the birds.
What's minty, pasty, dangerous and kills germs?
Shark-infested toothpaste.
Why did the zoo veterinarian refuse to wear a necktie?
She already had a boa-tie.
Lorraine: "Did you know that your dog and my dog are brother and sister?"
Larry: "Great! That means we're related!"
Why does a bear hibernate for three months in cold weather?
We're all afraid to wake it up!
What kind of animal is always found at baseball games?
A bat.
"Tracies dog looks just like a meber of her family," said Stacie. "Which one?" asked Macie.
What keys are ound in the animal kingdom?
Donkeys, monkeys and turkeys.
How do you snatch a rug from under a polar bear?
Wait 'til the bear migrates.
Whats a lambs favorite department store?
Woolworth's.
What did Natasha do when she found her pet dog eating her dictionary?
She took the words right out of his mouth.
Ingrid had caught a pond turtle and kept it in captivity for a couple of days, until her parents convinced her the little animal would be much happier in the wild. Her mother was very pleased when she saw Ingrid carrying the turtle out the back door. "Where are you taking it?" her mother asked. "Back to the pond". "That's wonderful, Honey!". But the next day Ingrids mother noticed the turtle was still around. She saw Ingrid walking out the front door with it in her palm. "I thought you let the turtle free yesterday," her mother said. "No I just took it back to the pond for a visit. Today i'm taking it to the beach."