I just need to?!
Question: know if you know something funny i need a good laugh.
Answers: know if you know something funny i need a good laugh.
how do new zealanders practice saf e sex?
they mark an X on the sheep that kick!!!!!!
you can go to youtube.com and look at Russel Peter..hes is a comedian well i heard a joke earlier:
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Before he could order the bartender says, "Listen buddy, if you can make that horse over there laugh, I will give you free drinks all night!"
The man walks over, whispers something to the horse and it starts laughing its a ss off. He enjoyed his free rounds and went home.
He comes back the next night and the bartender says, "Ok bigshot, if you can make that same horse cry I will give you another night of free drinks!"
He goes over to the horse and it starts bawling.
The bartender asked the guy what he did.
"Well, last night I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. Tonight, I showed him!"
youtube -
the comedy section. look under most popular, or featured.
or dane cook skits. those are hilarious!
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the
showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his
way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes
like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun
suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar
of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her
theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops
the second bar of soap
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells . . . "Holy Mary, Mother of God hand lotion too!
so what do you think? [:(#)]
1)A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
2)A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off;
The blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
hehe i luv that joke
another...
3)A brunette is standing on a train trak goin "44, 44, 44..."
when a blonde comes up and says "That looks like fun!" and joins her.
3 minutes later
A train comes and the brunette jumps out of the way just in time.
The brunette gets back on the track and goes "45, 45, 45..."
4)A blonde comes into work one day and is crying really hard. Her boss says whats the matter. She says "today has been absolutely awful, today i woke up and recieved a phone call that my mother has passed away and then my sister called and said her mom died too!!
5)Clever wife. Have you heard this one before?
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. "
WIFE: "You would?" *with a hurt look*
HUSBAND: *makes audible groan*
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "
WIFE: -- *silence* --
HUSBAND: "sh*t."
January-------I kicked
February------I loved
March--------I kissed
April----------I licked
May----------I jumped on
June----------I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena With
August--------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October-------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over
Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbour
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19------ - a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a surfer
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy
Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink-----------because I'm crazy.
Red----------- because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple---------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown---------because I can..
Other----------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself!
I can't wait to see what you get stuck with.................
("I did the Macarena With a ninja because I'm cool like that!!")
this really happened bout 2 months ago.
my friend planned this for 2 days. she was going 2 do it 4 april fools but she couldnt wait. she did it to a teacher in the morning.
well she asked to go to the restroom and when she came back she said theyre towing cars out there. but it didnt get the teachers attention then she said yeah theyre towing this gray car and that made the teacher turn and she goes they are towing this gray saturn and he goes what??!!! and he ran out the class room because he thought they were towing his car.it was so funny when he came back!!LOL he was scared that they were towing his car!! LOL it was hilarious.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to give it a! try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
This is a riddle.
A unicorn, a smart blonde, and a brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Which lands first?
The brunette, because theres no such thing as unicorns or smart blondes.
Why doesn't the state of Arkansas require a waiting period after you buy a marriage license?
That way they don't have time to find out if you're brother & sister.