I need a Laugh?!
Question: I need a laugh. whoever can say the funniest thing will get my best answer.
Answers: I need a laugh. whoever can say the funniest thing will get my best answer.
Barber Shop
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands directly next to the barber chair, while
her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."
a salesman knocks on a door, and a 12 year old boy answers the door. And the 12 yr old boy has a cig in one hand and a Budweiser in the other. The salesman ask if the boys parents are home, and the boy takes a drag on the cig and a drink of Bud and says "What do you think"?
So this man and his monkey went to a nearby bar. As the man sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a drink, the monkey jumps up on the bar and starts eating all the peanuts in the bowl. He then throws the bowl at a costumer near by. The bartender looks at the man and says, "uhh, sir... do you see what your monkey is doing?" The man drinks his beer and says, "oh, yeah, I'm sorry... I'll pay for all the damage."
He finishes his beer, takes his monkey and leaves.
The next week, the man comes in again with his monkey. As he drinks his beer, the monkey is throwing glasses at anyone that gets too close to him. He's knocking over bar stools and making a commotion. The monkey then jumped up on the pool table and ate the cue ball. Swallowed it whole! The bartender yells to the guy, "Umm... are you see this?" The man finishes his beer and says, "I'll pay for the damage."
A week later, the man is back in with the monkey. He sits and orders a beer, like usual, as the monkey hops up on the bar, takes a maraschino cherry, sticks it up his *** hole, wiggles a bit, then takes it out and eats it. The bartender was like, "Oh my god! That's discusting!! Did you see that?" The man sits there, sighs, and says, "Yeah... he's been doing that since the cue ball."
The best joke ever...according to a special I saw on the history channel. =)
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
A man went to visit the doctor. When the doctor entered the examination room, he asked the man what was troubling him.
"Well Doc", the man replied, "My penis has turned orange, and I'm scared." The doctor was a bit puzzled, and asked the man to remove his pants so he could examine. Sure enough, the man's penis was bright orange. The doctor started with question, "When was the last time you had sex with a woman?" "Oh Doc," the man replied, "I haven't had sex with a woman for years"
The doctor asked; " When was the last time you had sex with a man?" The man replied "Oh Doc, I've never had sex with a man in my life"
Growing puzzled, the doctor asked the man when the last time he was in a public pool. "Never" was the answer. "How about at a beach?" . With frustration growing on both sides, the man declared; "listen, Doc, I haven't had sex with a man or woman, or gone swimming, as a matter of fact, I don't do much besides sit at home watching porn... and eating Cheetos"
A man goes into a bar and see's another man with a mini paino player. He walks over to the man and says "Wow! Where did you get the mini piano player from?" "Theres a genie outside granting people 1 wish." The man replies. So the man goes outside, and sure enough, there is a genie. He goes up to the genie and asks if he can get a wish. The genie agree's. The man thinks for a few seconds and says "I wish I had a million bucks!" All of a sudden, a million ducks appear. "Hey! thats not what I asked for! I want another wish!" the man cries out. "sorry, 1 wish only" the genie replies. The man storms back into the bar and goes up to the man with the tiny piano player. "Dude, that Genie sucks, He didnt get my wish right. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks instead!" The other man replied "Yeah, I know...Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? see you in 28 days!
Where's My Coffee!
In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you *****."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "