I need a good chuckle...?!


Question: does anyone know any funny stories or jokes? I need something to boost my mood.


Answers: does anyone know any funny stories or jokes? I need something to boost my mood.

Tax Time....
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
He then asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks."
But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
The man did not understand. "But, Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "You're going to get screwed."


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the customer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.
"No," replied the lady, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said , 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

I have a UTI . :(

The mexicans cross the border 1 at a time, 2 at a time, and 4 at a time. Never 3 because the sign says "NO TRES PASSING

def. of a bj.....hot air balloon

Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

(SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Let's hear it.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu

George: The Chinese?

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well,I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes sir.

George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. and then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: Call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N .?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!

Condi: Kofi?

George: all right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice here.

George: Rice? Good idea. and a couple of egg rolls, too.

Knock knock...
(Who's there?)
Interrupting Cow
(Interuting...)
MOOO!!

So yesterday I got in an accident. I rear ended somebody. Want to know how the fight got started?
So I rear end this guy and we pull over to exchange info and all that. He gets out of the car and right away I notice he's a little person, or what I call a DWARF. He gets out and he is absolutely irate. The first thing he says to me is, " I'm not HAPPY!" And I said, "Oh really? Which one are you?"



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