10 points for the BEST joke?!
Question: I need a laugh
Answers: I need a laugh
A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
A butcher just out of trade school, applies for and gets, a job in North- West America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents - chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them......moosellanious.
Your face!!!!
haha, i dont know any others...sorry...
What do you get when you put 2 or more lesbians, together in a closet?
A liquor cabinet.
A little girl named Suzy played with the boys in her neighborhood. Suzy would play ball with them and whenever the ball got stuck in the tree, she went up to get it. Problem about Suzy is she always wore a dress. So she told her mom that she did this and her mom told her that they could see her underwear.
So the next day, Suzy climbs up again to get the ball. She goes home and tells her mom. Her mom gets mad and says, " Suzy, I told you not to do that!"
Suzy replies," Don't worry ma, I wasn't wearing any underwear!"
Knock Knock\
who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub I'm dwowning
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up predominately on the pillow that was addresses to 'Dad'. With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the
letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you
and mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all of her piercing's,
tattoos, tight biker clothes and the fact that she is so much older than I
am.
But it's not only the passion.... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said we will be
very happy. She owns her own trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy
has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't
worry
dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we
will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son
P.S. none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card
that's in my center desk drawer. I love you, Call me when it's safe to come
home...
One day a filipino has fallen in love with an american but he is too shy to tell her cause he doesn't know how to speak in english very well so bought a dictionary and send her a mail.
My most worthy of your estimation
After long consideration
I have strong indication
To become your relation
About my educational qualification
I passed my matriculation examination
What do you say to solemnization
Of our marriage celebration
With aview to expansion
Of world population?
If you approbation my application
I make preparation to improve situation
Thinking of you with all devotion!
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Set alarms for random times.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog."
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!"
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
one day i went to a garage sale
i broke my balls on a rusted nail
i went tpo the doctor and the doctor said
sorry mate your balls are dead
i went home to tell my mum
i caught my sister picking her bum
i went upstairs to make my bed
a bucket of crap fell on my head.
i heard some kids sing it at a school and i thought it was catchy
Why is it so hard to solve crimes is Arkansas?
All the DNA is the same and there is no dental records.
Just for the record, my vote goes to psdiver_tom. His is great.
Mary Margeret wasn't the best kid in Sunday School. One day, the teacher asked her, "Mary, who created the universe?" As she was napping, Johnny poked her with his pencil. She yelled, "God Almighty!" "That is correct." One hour later, the teacher says, "Mary, who died for our sins and rose again?" Once again, Johnny stabs her with his pencil, and she cries, "Jesus Christ!" Nearing the end of the day, the teacher calls out, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam when they had their third child?" She's sleeping, and Johnny comes to the rescue, and she yells, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time I'll snap it in half!" The teacher fainted.
how cold was it outside???
so cold that the lawyer had his hand in his own pockets
There were 3 turtles, berry, lerry, jerry. 1 day they went on a picnic...the place was 10 miles away so because they were turtles and so slow it would take them 10 days to get there( 1 mile a day) so they packed all there food and went on the 10 day journey. When they get there they relise they forgot the drinks. Jerry and lerry dont want to go back and get them so they tell berry to get them. Berry didnt want to go get them because he though jerry and lerry would eat all the food. Only after they promise they wont eat any does berry leave on the 20 day journey for drinks.20 days later Berrys sstill not bac...25 days and he still not back...30 day and he is still not back and jerry and lerry are soo hungry. so they decide to take just1 bit. As soon as the food touches there lips Berry jumps out of a bush and says:
"HA! I KNEW IT IM NOT GOING!"
A dyslexic walks into a bra...
YO MAMA SO FAT THAT SHE HAS OTHER FAT MAMAS ORBITING HER.
YO MAMA SO FAT THAT WHEN SHE WENT BUNGEE JUMPING, SHE BROKE THE BRIDGE AND WENT STRAIGHT TO HELL-o
knock knock
who be der?
hi
hi who?
stfu and get a life or look on the web for a joke instead of posting here where idiots not like me will answer
Yo Mamma's so old that she knew Mr.Clean when he had an afro.
or
Yo Mamma's so poor that when I went to use the bathroom at her house,I saw a cockroach sitting on a Pepsi who said "wait your turn."