Six Affairs???!
Question: The 1st Affair
>
> A married man was having an affair
>
> with his secretary.
>
> One day they went to her place
>
> and made love all afternoon.
>
> Exhausted, they fell asleep
>
> and woke up at 8 PM.
>
> The man hurriedly dressed
>
> and told his lover to take his shoes
>
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
>
> 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
>
> We had sex all afternoon.'
>
> She looked down at his shoes and said:
>
> 'You lying bastard!
>
> You've been playing golf!'
>
>
>
>
>
> The 2nd Affair
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
>
> but always talked about having a son.
>
> They decided to try one last time
>
> for the son they always wanted.
>
> The wife got pregnant
>
> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
>
> to see his new son.
>
> He was horrified at the ugliest child
>
> he had ever seen.
>
> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
>
> be the father of this baby.
>
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>
> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>
> 'Not this time!'
>
>
>
>
> The 3rd Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
>
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
>
> about to be cremated,
>
> and made a startling discovery.
>
> Schwartz had the largest private part
>
> he had ever seen!
>
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
>
> commented, 'I can't allow you to be cre mated
>
> with such an impressive private part.
>
> It must be saved for posterity.'
>
> So, he removed it,
>
> stuffed it into his briefcase,
>
> and took it home
>
> 'I have something to show
>
> you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
>
> opening his briefcase.
>
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
>
> 'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
>
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover
>
> when she heard her husband
>
> opening the front door.
>
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
>
> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>
> then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
> 'Don't move until I tell you,'
>
> she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
>
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired
>
> as he entered the room.
>
> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
>
> 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>
> so I got one for us, too.'
>
> No more was said,
>
> not even when they went to bed.
>
> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>
> went to the kitchen and returned
>
> with a sandwich and a beer.
>
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
>
> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>
> and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
>
>
> The 5th Affair
>
> A man walked into a cafe,
>
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
>
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
>
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
>
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak
>
> and a bottle of w ine?'
>
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
>
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>
> The bartender replied:
>
> 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
>
> with your wife?'
>
> The bartender replied:
>
> 'The same thing I'm doing
>
> to his business down here.'
>
>
>
>
> The 6th Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
> He looked up and said weakly:
>
> 'I have something I must confess.'
>
> 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
>
> 'No,' he insisted,
>
> 'I want to die in peace.
>
> I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>
> her best friend, and your mother!'
>
> 'I know,' she replied,
>
> 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
Answers: The 1st Affair
>
> A married man was having an affair
>
> with his secretary.
>
> One day they went to her place
>
> and made love all afternoon.
>
> Exhausted, they fell asleep
>
> and woke up at 8 PM.
>
> The man hurriedly dressed
>
> and told his lover to take his shoes
>
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
>
> 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
>
> We had sex all afternoon.'
>
> She looked down at his shoes and said:
>
> 'You lying bastard!
>
> You've been playing golf!'
>
>
>
>
>
> The 2nd Affair
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
>
> but always talked about having a son.
>
> They decided to try one last time
>
> for the son they always wanted.
>
> The wife got pregnant
>
> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
>
> to see his new son.
>
> He was horrified at the ugliest child
>
> he had ever seen.
>
> He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
>
> be the father of this baby.
>
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>
> Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>
> 'Not this time!'
>
>
>
>
> The 3rd Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
>
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
>
> about to be cremated,
>
> and made a startling discovery.
>
> Schwartz had the largest private part
>
> he had ever seen!
>
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
>
> commented, 'I can't allow you to be cre mated
>
> with such an impressive private part.
>
> It must be saved for posterity.'
>
> So, he removed it,
>
> stuffed it into his briefcase,
>
> and took it home
>
> 'I have something to show
>
> you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
>
> opening his briefcase.
>
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
>
> 'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
>
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover
>
> when she heard her husband
>
> opening the front door.
>
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
>
> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>
> then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
> 'Don't move until I tell you,'
>
> she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
>
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired
>
> as he entered the room.
>
> 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
>
> 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
>
> so I got one for us, too.'
>
> No more was said,
>
> not even when they went to bed.
>
> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>
> went to the kitchen and returned
>
> with a sandwich and a beer.
>
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
>
> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>
> and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
>
>
> The 5th Affair
>
> A man walked into a cafe,
>
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
>
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
>
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
>
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak
>
> and a bottle of w ine?'
>
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
>
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>
> The bartender replied:
>
> 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
>
> with your wife?'
>
> The bartender replied:
>
> 'The same thing I'm doing
>
> to his business down here.'
>
>
>
>
> The 6th Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
> He looked up and said weakly:
>
> 'I have something I must confess.'
>
> 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
>
> 'No,' he insisted,
>
> 'I want to die in peace.
>
> I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>
> her best friend, and your mother!'
>
> 'I know,' she replied,
>
> 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
these are the most damn good affairs i ever heard of, if i can give 10 stars i would have done that so plz, pretend i did...
woah! that mans a whore.. =/.. and to think that lady just said "i know"!!! JEEZ!!!!!!!
FANTASTIC ONE ESPECIALLY THE LAST ONE A STAR FOR IT!!!!
Very Good!
hilarious!
hahahahahahahha
OMG ahhahahhaaha these were hilarious
lol....
u made my day. hehehehe
Funny....NOT!!! When God said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery", He wasn't joking! He takes this heinous moral crime VERY seriously, and SO SHOULD WE!
There is NOTHING "funny" about sin! It is NOT something to be "laughed at" or taken lightly and treated so tritely as you have here! "Fools make a mock at sin" (Proverbs 14:9), while "The fear of the LORD is to hate evil" (Proverbs 8:13). Sin, ALL sin, including adultery, is SO SERIOUS, that it cost the Son of God, Jesus Christ, the ultimate price: HIS PRECIOUS LIFE BLOOD! And that was to be "a saviour, which is Christ the Lord" who would SAVE US FROM OUR SINS AND THE WRATH TO COME, not to become some "nice religious icon" that makes us FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES and still LEAVES US IN OUR SINS to face the WRATH OF GOD after we die!
I know that MOST who read this will respond with, "Lighten up! Don't be such a FANATIC!" But I make NO APOLOGY for standing up for the holy standard of GOD'S ABSOLUTE TRUTH! He is the Judge! I merely relate what HE says! And because I AM saved by Jesus Christ, I take His word VERY seriously! Because I appreciate what He's done for me in dying on the cross for MY SINS! So should we all!
And think about this: besides how your "humour" is such an OFFENSE to Almighty God, do you honestly think that ANYONE who's spouse has cheated on them in violation of their marriage vows would view these "jokes" as FUNNY? Not likely! How would YOU feel if it was YOU on the receiving end of that? Would YOU be "laughing"? I doubt it!
I needed a good laugh. Thanks!