Here is my favorite joke. Give me your best clean joke.?!
Question: ,,There was a certain bus driver who hated his job, and he figured he was through. He went up to the personnel office to resign.
...He said' "I am quitting this job, and there is nothing you can do to make me stay!"
...The personnel manager replied, "Please, let's not be hasty. You are one of our most dependable drivers. We really hate to lose you. What problems are you experiencing?"
...The driver vented his frustrations to the personnel manager. Then came the offer.
..."If you try it just one more week, we'll change your route, give you a new and special bus, and since it is Friday, you can take off the last half of today. How about trying it, for just one more week?"
...Feeling somewhat better about the situation, he agreed to try it for one more week.
...He arrived Monday for work, they gave him his new route, and he was escorted to his new bus. This bus was special in a strange sort of way --- it had all these muppet characters all over it, like Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggie, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch. Even so, he made an agreement, so he climbed into the driver seat, and off he went.
...At the 1st stop, 2 very heavy women entered the bus. Each introduced herself as "Patty". The driver told them to sit down, and they continued on.
...At the 2nd stop, a lady with a boy named Ross got on the boss. She went on and on and on and on about how great and special her little Ross was to her. The driver, a little impatient now, told them to find a seat, and they drove on.
...At the 3rd stop, a barefoot man named Lester Sheets walked in. The bus driver reminded him that company policy stated he must have shoes on to ride the bus. Lester begged and begged and begged, saying that the bunions on his feet hurt a lot, and that he had no other way to get to where
he needed to go. The driver sighed, and agreed, and on they drove.
...The driver look in his rear view and saw Lester picking his feet on the bus.
...That was it, that was enough for him. He stopped the boss,
made everyone leave, and returned to the bus lot. He went up to the personnel office, and told them, "I really am quitting this time, and you can't make me come back."
...They asked why.
...He replied, "Because you gave me 2 obese patties, special Ross, Lester Sheets, pickin' his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
Answers: ,,There was a certain bus driver who hated his job, and he figured he was through. He went up to the personnel office to resign.
...He said' "I am quitting this job, and there is nothing you can do to make me stay!"
...The personnel manager replied, "Please, let's not be hasty. You are one of our most dependable drivers. We really hate to lose you. What problems are you experiencing?"
...The driver vented his frustrations to the personnel manager. Then came the offer.
..."If you try it just one more week, we'll change your route, give you a new and special bus, and since it is Friday, you can take off the last half of today. How about trying it, for just one more week?"
...Feeling somewhat better about the situation, he agreed to try it for one more week.
...He arrived Monday for work, they gave him his new route, and he was escorted to his new bus. This bus was special in a strange sort of way --- it had all these muppet characters all over it, like Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggie, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch. Even so, he made an agreement, so he climbed into the driver seat, and off he went.
...At the 1st stop, 2 very heavy women entered the bus. Each introduced herself as "Patty". The driver told them to sit down, and they continued on.
...At the 2nd stop, a lady with a boy named Ross got on the boss. She went on and on and on and on about how great and special her little Ross was to her. The driver, a little impatient now, told them to find a seat, and they drove on.
...At the 3rd stop, a barefoot man named Lester Sheets walked in. The bus driver reminded him that company policy stated he must have shoes on to ride the bus. Lester begged and begged and begged, saying that the bunions on his feet hurt a lot, and that he had no other way to get to where
he needed to go. The driver sighed, and agreed, and on they drove.
...The driver look in his rear view and saw Lester picking his feet on the bus.
...That was it, that was enough for him. He stopped the boss,
made everyone leave, and returned to the bus lot. He went up to the personnel office, and told them, "I really am quitting this time, and you can't make me come back."
...They asked why.
...He replied, "Because you gave me 2 obese patties, special Ross, Lester Sheets, pickin' his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
LOL! I like that 1! I think I heard it before. Here's 1:
There were a Catholic priest, a Muslim cleric, & a Jewish Rabi discussing methods of dealing with offerings collected in their religious institutions. The Catholic priest explained that in their parish they draw a circle on the ground & throw the money collected into the air. "Whatever falls into the circle is God's; the rest we keep."
The Muslim cleric said, "We do something similar. We draw a line on the ground & throw the money in the air. Whatever lands on the right of the line is God's; the money that lands on the left is for us to keep."
The Jewish rabi explained, "We simply throw the money into the air. Whatever God wants, He can keep; the money that comes down is ours."
why did michael jackson go to the super market? because he heard little boys pants were half off (lol)
That was a lot of reading for a poor ending...
I don't get it....
=(
I'm sorry I just don't get it?
(I read this one earlier today)
Flowers and Candy-$30
Dinner and a movie-$90
Penthouse in the grand hotel-$300
The look on his face when you tell him your on your period -priceless!!!!
sorry but I don't get it.
huh??
GUD JOKE
Little Johnny took.....
A BATH.
how to keep a blonde amused all day. Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner!
That's not really funny.
Anyway..here's one of mine
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon the guy's passing the entrance test, St. Peter says. "I'm not very busy today, so why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is so. St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that." St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."
My Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this real slow, because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tennessee family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; -- your Uncle Billy-Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the big buttons on, so we had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest thing, but the baby looks just like your oldest brother.
Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; -- he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends, Cletus and Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt, Mom
if someone is making fun of your outfit and looking at you say
you: do you work at walmart?
them: No
You: Then why are you checking me out?
okay there was a zebra and he didn't know whether he was black with white stripes or white with black stripes. So one day he decides to ask all of his friends. He asked the lion, the giraffe, the alligator, and the panda. The panda told him to go to the highest mountain and ask god. So the zebra was on his way to the highest mountain. Finally he asked God, " God am i black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" God told him you are what you are son. The zebra was angry with God's response and took off. He passed the panda and the panda asked, " So did you get your answer? The zebra said no all he told me was you are what you are. There you go said the panda you're white with black stripes. How do you know, said the zebra. Because said the panda if you were black with white stipes he would of said you is what you is. haha
My Uncle in portugal knew this portuguese man who told many stories and claimed he could speak all sorts of languages giving the impression that he was a very all around knowledgable guy, Everyone in town believed him, saying hey look,"Armando knows good english!He can speak very good! and at the time knowing more than one language in a town meant you had some good education.
- So one day they were all in town together with his buddies at a portuguese bar and there were some englishmen at the bar who had arrived and they were having some trouble ordering a beer,
some portuguese buds and my uncle took notice and told Armando, " hey look those guys need some help ordering a beer, maybe you can help them out
So Armando said" Okay, no problem"
Armando went over to meet the englishmen and said
"BUENAS NOCHES AMIGOS!" (SPANISH FOR ''GOOD NIGHT FRIENDS")
the englishmens just stared blank at armando
suddenly the whole portuguese bar was filled with portuguese yells and laughter with my uncle and his buds saying this guy doesnt know anything!!!HES JUST A LIAR
EVERYTHNG HE SAID WAS A LIE,
JUST A BIG LIARR LOL