Anyone at all??!
Question: Can anyone give me a hilarious joke that i can send round the office, it can be anything! Rude or not!!! Anything please?!
Answers: Can anyone give me a hilarious joke that i can send round the office, it can be anything! Rude or not!!! Anything please?!
I checked into a Marriott hotel two weeks ago and was a bit lonely so I thought
I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're
calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself
Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right
curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy blonde hair, and long
graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one. No, wait; I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it
now I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring
implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot
and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
The sexy girl says, "That really sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press
9, sir....
Hilarious joke about a gynecologist........
A beautiful, busty blonde goes to her gynecologist. When she enters the room for her appointment, the doctor is absolutely taken by her sexuality. He begins the exam and just can't help himself, so he starts feeling the inside of her thigh. "Do you know what I'm doing", asked the doctor. "Yeah, your checking for legions and abrasions", replied the beautiful blonde. "Your right!", replies the doc. He continues with the exam and again can't help himself, so he grabs her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?", asked the doctor. "Yes, your checking for breast cancer", replied the blonde. "Your right again!", replies the doctor. Eventually the gynecologist just can't take it anymore and gets on the examination table and starts having sex with the patient. "Do you know what I'm doing now?", asked the doctor. "Yes", replies the woman. "Your getting HERPES, which is why I came here!"
Subject: Amish sex An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughte r said to her mother, My hands are freezing cold. The mother replied, Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up. The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
> The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, My hands are freezing cold. The girl replied, Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up. He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, My nose is cold. The girl replied, Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up. He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, My penis is frozen solid. The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, Have you ever heard of a penis? Slightly concerned the mother said, Why, yes...?! Why do you ask? The daughter replies: They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!