Got any really funny jokes?!
Question: Tell me the funniest one you can think of. I'll choose my favorite as the best answer.
Answers: Tell me the funniest one you can think of. I'll choose my favorite as the best answer.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent .
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don'texist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Q.1.What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A.1.No-eye-dear/No idea
Q.2.What do you call a spanish woman with one tooth?A.2.Wuneater/One-Eater
Q.3.What do you call a mexican Fireman?
A.3.Hosea/Hose-a
Q.3.2.What do you call his brother?
A.3.2.Hose-B
Q.4.What do you call a fly with no wings?
A.4.A Walk!
Q.5.What do you call a man with a shovel?
A.5.Doug
Q.5.2.What do you call a man without a shovel?
A.5.2.Dougless
Q.6.What do you call an Ireshman with a rabbit up his bum?
A.6.Warren
Q.6.2.What do you call an American with a rabbit up his bum?
A.6.2.Hutch
Q.7.What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other?
A.7.Eyeleen/I-Lean
Q.7.2.What do you call a chinese lady with one leg shorter than the other?
A.7.2.Eyreen/I-reen
Q.8.Whats black, white and read allover?
A.8.A newspaper
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
here's a dirty joke for you-
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your a.s.s, didn't it?'''
What is the similar thing between man and rat?
They both keep searching for new holes!!
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.
They followed the trail of a male and a female bear, found the female and decided that they had no choice but to kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. Then, they checked her stomach and found the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course: the Czech is in the male."
They're not really the funniest...but here goes (three actually, recycled, btw).
1. What do you call a man w/ no arms or legs floating in the sea?
Bob.
2. What do you call a man w/ no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
3. What do you call a man w/ no arms or legs laying on the floor?
Matt.
Please....no offense intended to all quad-p's out there.
I didn't ask the question, just answered it.