On a scale of 1 to 10 how do you rate this joke ?!
Question: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowi ng her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zap ping G r acie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguel y rec all waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-O F -A-* %#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
Answers: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowi ng her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zap ping G r acie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguel y rec all waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-O F -A-* %#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
LMAO.......I didn't see it as a joke either, but as a story? - it was sooooooooooo funny and I give it a 10+.
I electrocuted myself (unintentionally) when I was about 12 when a desk lamp (with one of those adjustable coiled necks) that I was holding, short circuited and I was thrown across the room and Dad took me to Hospital Emergency. My muscles hurt for days after that experience.
Being zapped ain't fun!!!!!
Obviously, this guy didn't pass the "Mom" test (previous question) :-))))))))))))))))
wow that was too long to read! I got bored
boring get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
I fell asleep while reading the 11th paragraph, so I'll have to rate it a 1.
Sorry.
1.
Wow that wasnt even a joke. That was just one huge story! Funny story though. 8/10
What's black and white and goes to bed hungry?
Heath Ledger's cat.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
That's a 10 to me, dude!! LMFAO! Also, I love your writing style and you sound very literate. Are you Dave Barry?
uhhhhh.....odd.........but its funny as heck..........a good story for ur kids if u have any currently cuz i dont think ull be havin many more :)......just kidding....but yeah it was really funny
dude it was 2 long and i did'nt catch a punch line, try making it shorter next time.
Way too long.... rating 5
My friends at work thought I was having an asthma attack, I COULDN'T BREATH I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. This is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. THIS IS A TEN
How could i answer when i cannot even finish reading.
one.
Oh man, my eyes hurt......
i give you a 2.5 for just typing all that cause I didn't even finish reading lost interest.
It was so long I fell asleep reading it. but I would give it a 2.
I Just Want To Thank You.
I Was Not Getting Sleep For Two Days But Now I Have Jst Wake Up From Sleep.
THANK YOU
5 too long!
Alright, a bit too long but I give it a 7/10.
I didn't see it as a joke but it was a interesting story, so I can only rate as that. I thought as I was reading your story you would tazer the cat, I am relieved that you didn't. Man, I wouldn't have done what you have done because I have seen videos of someone being hit.
Very Funny story, I felt the pain. lol
I hope he found his testicles!
Nice meaningful moral at the end as well.
I am sorry so many people said it was too long and that they didn't read it all they don't know what they missed.
So 10+ And a star.
I saw how long this was and thought that was the joke that you wanted somebody to actually read this.... Wait..... really was that the joke?
I thought this was hilarious. I am still coughing from laughing so hard. Those people who did not finish or get it are probably teenagers with no attention span or have a humor impairment problem.
How was it for the tazer?? 10. Definitely 10.
Definitely Comedy-Central material.
Save the 'HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!' for the end-punchline; then finish with:
"then after the cat finally stopped looking at me as a dumb**, she looked as me if to say.......(long pause.....)
"Was it good for the tazer?????????" then leave 'em wantin' more.
Or your way works just as good.....
http://www.comedycentral.com
Enjoyed the read! A little knowledge CAN be fatal! 8/10
LOL! 6 out of 10
I got a really good chuckle out of this, throughout, and I read the whole thing!!! Where the hell are those pesky testicles??? That must hurt like nothing else... ah, the price of learning something the really hard way!
Thanks for the good laugh. I give it a solid 7.75
:D
Lady Morgana
I'll give you a star. And, no, I'm not going to tell you the stupidest thing I've ever done. But that does remind me of the time I was cleaning my shotgun in the kitchen when a black widow started to crawl across the wall. I had jacked a shell into it and was coming to position when my younger brother grabbed it and yelled NO, if you do that I have to fix the hole.