10 points for the funniest joke!?!


Question: i need some cheering up...does anyone have any realllllyyyy funny jokes.....10 point for the best answer! :D


Answers: i need some cheering up...does anyone have any realllllyyyy funny jokes.....10 point for the best answer! :D

husband says: my wife just gave birth to twins, she was tired so we got her brother in to name the babies.
'what did you call em?' i said when i got there

brother: the girl, Deniece.

husband: Deniece, i like Deniece. what did you call the boy?

brother: de nephew.

Once Chuck Norris was denied an eggmcmuffin at mcdonalds at 10 35 AM. He roundhouse kicked to store so hard it became a Wendy's!

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"



Heheheh! Smile!

Ok, here's one (it's an oldie but a goodie).

What is Smokey the Bear's new motto?



Give up???







Piss on it ... Ha ha ha ha ha

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?



In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head????



Cliff!!

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson Motorcycle and a Hoover vacuum?

Answer: The location of the dirtbag!!!

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

What do you call a black man with a peg leg ???
[sh1t on a stick]

ok ok

what do you call 500000 white people that jump out of a plane???
[a blizzard]

whats the difference between a tyre and 365 rubber condoms?? the tyres a goodyear and the condoms a great year :)

erm im not a good joke teller ;) but i like this one ^^

x

Far away in the tropical waters of the
Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have
any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark..

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and
lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his
old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me.

You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your
dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed.'.........



'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again
Christian'.

jesus walks into a hotel, hands the roomkeeper 3 nails and asks, "can ya put me up for the night?"

What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

One goes straight for the cow's brain sending it haywaire...

The other is an agricultural problem.

i did this one the other day ......

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

why was tigger hanging around the bathroom ?



he was looking for pooh !!!!

A Picture is worth 1000 words, however

most women would rather describe it.

Okay, there was three guys (Matt, Thomas, Dido) who was lost in the woods. They had a rifle gun with them and all they had was 3 bullets. It was getting dark so they came to a place where there was some branches and leafs for shelter. They built a fire and Matt's stomach started to growl so he grabed the gun and said "I'm so hungry i don't want to die, i'mma go hunt something for me to eat". So Matt went into the woods and came out with a small deer. Thomas ran up to Matt yelling "Matt! Matt! how did you shoot the deer?" Matt replied " I went into the woods, follow the tracks, and shot the deer!" so Thomas took the gun from Matt and ran into the woods. 20 minutes later Thomas came out with a bigger deer. Dido ran up to Thomas yelling "Thomas! Thomas! how did you shoot that deer?". Thomas replied " I went into the woods, follow the tracks, shot the deer". So Dido took the gun and with the last bullet he went into the woods. It was now an hour pass and Dido was still missing, then they saw a man crawling from the meddows with tore clothes, blood scratches and bruses everywhere. Matt and Thomas ran up to Dido Yelling, "Dido! Dido! what happened?". Dido replied " I went into the woods, followed the tracks and i got hit by a train."

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

S h e turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian.. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
======================================...

Sarah was having a shower one morning and as she got out she put her towel around her and her husband undressed and jumped into the shower...a moment later, the door bell rings and sarah runs downstairs still with her towel on. she opens the door and it's the neaighbour John, John looks at her and says, i'll give you $800 if u drop the towel and let me have a quick feel...
Sarah considers this for a moment and drop the towel, John has a quick grope, hands her $800 and in an instant he's gone...she goes back upstairs and her husband asks who it was..."it was John" she says, now smiling broadly...her husband says "oh good! did he say anything about the $800 he owes me??"

lame i know...but hey, i'd like the ten points ;) lol

say this REALLLY REALLLY LLLOUD


eye umuh weetheart
eye um sofa king weathearted

If a girl with big boobs works at hooters, then where does a girl with one leg work?

I - Hop!!!
Then what would her name be?
ILene!!!!

the joke is called christmas rear: on boxing day a cop on a horse back is sitting at a traffic light. next to him is a kid on a shiny new bike "nice bike.did santa give that to you says the policeman "yeah" the kid says "well" says the bobby "next year tell santa to put a tail-light on it. he then issues the young lad with a £20 fine. before he rides off the kid says, "that's a nice horse you've got did santa bring that for u "yeah" says the plod to humour him "well", replies the lad " next year tell him to put the arsehole at the horse's rear instead of its back

Joke 1:
Two atoms are walking together.

Atom 1: Dude, I just lost an electron.
Atom 2: Are you sure?
Atom1: I'm positive.

Joke 2:
I'm going to tell a backwards joke.
Start laughing...

well this a joke:-
-a techer in a village is teaching a boy about coconuts.in front of the school,there was a coconut tree. the teacher says to the boy to come near the tree.
TEACHER: As u can see this coconut tree, right?
BOY: yes,miss
TEACHER: if u plz can u climb the tree and get a coconut from there?
BOY: i am sry but i cant uz my mom says me not 2 climb trees.She says if i do i will break my soft legs.
TEACHER: its O.K i'll do it
TEACHER: now that i got it can u plz help me with removing the upper part of it?
BOY:I would love 2 but my mom never allow me to peel anything cuz i'll ruin my neat and tidy nails.
TEACHER: its O.K i'll do it.
TEACHER: now would u like to break the coconut to get the sweet water from inside it?
BOY: i'm forbidden by my mom.she says me not to work with heavy things cuz i might hurt my hands u see!!
TEACHER: i sure do.Well i could do it then,no prblm.
TEaCHER:Would u do mea favor ?Do drink this yummy coconut juice.
BOY: ya!!!ofcourse,my mom didnt forbid that???

This ones called the Christmas spirit

There are three guys, standing outside the gates of heaven . St Peter approaches them and says " If you want to enter heaven you must first prove you have Christmas spirit. I want you each to bring me an object you were carrying when you died that represents the Christmas spirit.

The first guy steps forward and pulls out of his pocket a pair of keys. He jingles the keys and says to St Peter "These keys represent bells"

St Peter nods his head in approval and allows the first guy into heaven.

The second guy steps forward and pulls a lighter from his pocket. "This lighter represents candles" he says.

St Peter moves then allows the second guy into heaven.

The third guy steps forward and pulls a thong from his pocket.

St peter asks him why he thinks a thong represents the Christmas spirit.

The third man replies "Well they're Carol's"

im not prejuduce but listen someone told me this before i foung it funny maybe just cuz im a guy and laugh at things ppl dont laugh at
why do are black ppl so good at basketball cuz they can shoot and steal



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