Tell a joke, it's about 4:30 am and I can't sleep... Laughing makes me t!
Question: My best friend used to tell me jokes every night, but unfortunately she passed away (bless her heart) :'-(
Ever since she died, I can't sleep. She used to tell me all kinds of Vista jokes, they were so funny.
Answers: My best friend used to tell me jokes every night, but unfortunately she passed away (bless her heart) :'-(
Ever since she died, I can't sleep. She used to tell me all kinds of Vista jokes, they were so funny.
OH MR. LINUX....wheres the rest of my Linux?Lol. Anyways Here ya go you may like this one!
Voted funniest joke in the world 2002 by CNN.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Ill add more and more...
Different
operating systems. Different styles. But what if the quirks and
styles of the different operating systems were applied to
AIRLINES? What if airlines ran things the way operating systems
do? This humorous analogy, applying operating system philosophies
as if they were airlines, is a long-standing much-circulated
amusing story, and we'd credit the author if we knew who wrote it!
If Operating Systems Ran
The Airlines...
UNIX
Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to
the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together
piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are
supposed to be building.
Air
DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on
and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push
again, jump on again, and so on...
Mac
Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents
look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details,
you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't
want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever
having to know, so just shut up.
Windows
Air
The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards,
easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10
minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows
NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes,
and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Windows XP Air
You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP
Air planes.
All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as
big as they need to be.
The signs are huge and all point the same way.
Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed
hat insisting you follow him.
Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air
suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included
in the exorbitant ticket cost.
The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract.
The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey
Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again.
You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or
drink.
You are searched regularly throughout the flight.
If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket.
No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash
landing at Whistler in Canada.
OSX Air:
You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in
the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She
smiles and says "Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your
picture", at which point a camera in the wall you didn't notice before
takes your picture. "Thank you, here is your ticket" You are handed a
minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of
your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You
enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to
music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of
the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself "wow,
that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing"
Windows Vista Airlines:
You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever
seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are
"sure" you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like
to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask
the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security
officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear
the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes
customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow.
Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.
Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the
flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then
it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively
the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are
punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked "Are you sure you
want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?" you instinctively
say "Allow".
After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn't
updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the
down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots
are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the
landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.
You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles
with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close
friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much
better alternative and helps.
Linux
Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to
start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the
runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of
printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the
ticket yourself.
When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a
wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable
seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without
a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell
customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all
they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
That one will make you sleep just by reading it!
Hm... sorry to hear about your friend. Here is a joke that might bring a smile give a try:-
-------------------
God asked Tom how many children he had during his time on earth. He replied three! Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God gave him a Mercedes!
John too were asked the same question. When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.
Sam is next. He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children. God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Suzuki.
Sometime later the three saw a person returning on foot. They ask why God hadn't given him anything; he replied with anger, "Some idiot told God that I was father of the nation!!
sorry to hear about your friend...
hope this makes u feel better
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.
Here is the note the young man sent to his sweetheart:
Darling,
I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.
Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they looked really smart.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love.
P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
OH! sorry about your friend. :(
anyway. this isnt my best joke but it's ok.
what goes black and white black and white?
a nun rolling down a hill!
oh, but thats not the joke!
what goes black and white black and white ha ha?
the nun that pushed her!!
A doctor tells a man, "I've got some good news and some bad news for you." The man says can I have the bad news first!" So the doctor says I'm sorry to tell you but you've got aids, the man then replies what's the good news the doctor the replies you have got alzimers so you won't remember it!
I'm sorry to hear about that. I have a joke.
Q: How do you drown a dumb person?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!
How do you keep a retard wondering???
^^that last joke wuz not supposed to be offensive?
srry bout ur friend... here's my joke:
Patient: my sister turned into a squirrel last night, what do I do?
Doctor: Give her some nuts?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
"Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't."
"A guy phones the local hospital and yells, `you've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says, `calm down. Is this her first child?' He replies, `no! This is her husband!"'
"A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said: `well, I can clearly see you're nuts."'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."
Q.Where did John Wayne had his boots from?
A.From the kneels down!
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'
The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'.
'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.'
Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.'
The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain