10 EASY Points....?!
Question: To the first person that can say something to make me laugh out loud!
Mind you, I am in a bad mood
Answers: To the first person that can say something to make me laugh out loud!
Mind you, I am in a bad mood
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
haha that one makes me laugh ALL the time ;)
How about:
A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.
ooh wait!
A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?" The barmaid replied. "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"
The blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"
haha this one if funny:
Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that reads "Actor needed to play an ape."
"I could do that," says Moishe. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Zoo. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.
At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Moishe feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs,
"Shema Yisrael Adonai Elokeinu Adonai Echad!" The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars the response,"Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed!"
From a nearby cage, a panda yells,"Shut up, you schmucks. You'll get us all fired!!!"
The funniest joke I've heard recently was the one about the three Texan surgeons playing a round of golf. As they're walking down the fairway, they strike up a conversation and the first surgeon says, " I reckon I'm the best surgeon in the world". The other two enquire why and the first surgeon says, "I had a patient brought to me recently who had lost both his hands in an industrial accident. I sewed them back on and today that man has an audience to play the piano for Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth".
The second surgeon scoffs at this and says,"that's nothing. Why I had a patient who lost both his arms in an automobile accident and I sewed them back on. At the last Olympic Games that man won a Gold Medal in the Field events".
The third surgeon says, "that's nothing. Several years ago a cowboy, high on alcohol and drugs, was riding his horse down a railroad track and collided with an oncoming express train. All I had to work with was the horse's **** and a cowboy hat. Today that man is President of the USA.
Hope you feel better :)
True and funny story
I have a CO2 detector. My 12 year old daughter heard it going off one day ( battery was dying)...it read "move to fresh air"..she unplugged it and took it outside.....she moved IT to fresh air.....it was funny at the time.....did it work????
i could tickle you're tummy if you want?
There was a boy sitting in front of a house. A man came up to the boy and asked, " Is your mother home"? And the boy said, "Yes sir". So the man rang the doorbell. No answer. He rang the doorbell again, and still no response. He went to the boy and said, " I thought you said your mother is here". And the boy replied, " She is... this is not my house. "
Hope you feel better!
This one's pretty corny but I laughed:
There's two cows in a pasture
One says: "Moo"
The other says: "Crap that's what i was going to say!"
My urologist name was Peter Peters!
And there is one named Dr. Cummins!
There is also a gynocologist named Dr. Peking
You must be in a bad mood. You asked this question twice. Either that or someone who gave you an answer the last time pissed you off again...LOL
um. look at that george guy's picture. there's like a cat standing on him.
Never fool around with a little old lady!
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.
She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a Little old lady!
Two stone age men, just learning to speak, are sitting in a field.
The sun rises, is over head, finally it sets.
One turns to the other says “Lets call it a day”