Hah... i need a laugh?!
Question: any good jokes out there...
Answers: any good jokes out there...
A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came
out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked
inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came
out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it
shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She
marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!
- One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
- The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a
doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher; ...she's dead."
One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive. She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.
After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, "Aren`t you going to arrest me?".
The cop asked, "why?"
She replied, "Cause I was drinking and driving!"
The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, "We can`t arrest you if you`re driving while drinking water!"
There were two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "whoa! Its getting hot in here!" The other muffin says, "HOLY CRAP!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
~~~~~
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
~~~~~
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
~~~~~
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
~~~~~
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
~~~~~
yeah there are
I don't mean to offend anyone, and I'm a blonde telling it so...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
a little girl in a dress about 8 years old comes home from school holding a five dollar bill. Her mom asks: "Sally, where did you get that money from?"
Sally replies: I was showing that boy, Sam, down the street how high i could lift my leg up. So i lifted my right leg all the way up to my head and he gave me five dollars!
Mom says: oh honey, i dont think he was impressed with your flexibility, i think he wanted to see your underwear. Dont do that again when hes around okay?
Sally: okay mommy.
Next day Sally arrives home with a 20 dollar bill.
Mom: Sally! Did sam see your underwear again?
Sally: no mommy, i played a trick on him. Today when i lifted my leg up, i wasnt wearing my underwear!
Oneday, an electrician who used tocrack jokes went to his friend's house. The friend just asked him to tell a joke. The electrician also said a joke immediately. So, the friend asked him ," From where You get all the jokes?" He casually answered "From the Chokes ".
yea there are here are a couple your mommas so so dumb she studied for a drug test.
yo momma so poor i saw kickin a can down the street i asked her wat was she doin she said movin
yo momma so poor when i went 2 her trailer 2 cockaroches tripped me and a rat triend 2 steal my wallet
WELL I HOPE YOU LAUGH!!
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine,
or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets,
but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider",
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy,"
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk." (she had no clue either!)
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks
who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time
they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her
kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give
the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine.
The mother says, "Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer..... "
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency room!"
Life is tough.
It's tougher if you're stupid.
sex is like math you add the bed subtract the clothes divide the legs and multiply Ha Ha