Can some one tell me a funny joke?!
Question: tricking a nun
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Answers: tricking a nun
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
do u want to hear a durty joke... a pig fell in mud
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve party.
> We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
> covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
>
> We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
> arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
>
> The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We
> didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
> the bird.
>
> My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
> cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
>
> Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that
> The house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi
> driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say
> goodbye to my mother.''
>
> A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so
> long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the
> bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
> She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to
> Wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked
> ... I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back
> yard!'
>
> The cab driver hit a parked car.
{wat do u call a ellavotor full of white people? box of crackers} , "a black boy has a dream and in his dream he has wings so he looks up to the sky and asks god,god am i an angel, god replies " naw n*g*a u a bat"!
hey diddle diddle
the cat took a piddle
all over the bedside clock
the little dog laughed to see such fun
then died of electric shock
(sorry to you dog lovers)
What's better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being a ******* retard.
(not meaning to offend anyone. just a joke!)
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
the 2nd one:
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
if i had a rooster and you had a donkey, and your donkey bit the two feet off my rooster what would you have? two feet of my c0ck in your ***
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair
Said Simon unto the pie man "What have you got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon "Pies you retard!"
one day a mouse was out and about and he sees an elephant stuck in some quicksand. so the elephant calls to the mouse "hey little buddy can you help me out of here?"
the mouse says "sure let me go get my car so i can pull you out."
the mouse returns in his Porsche throws the elephant a rope and pulls him right out of the quicksand. the grateful elephant thanks the mouse.
the following day the elephant is out and about and spots the same mouse stuck in the same quicksand as he was. the mouse calls to the elephant "hey big buddy, remember me can you help me out of here?"
the elephant says sure so he pulls out his big elephant dick and says "climb on."
the mouse complies and he is out of the quicksand. the mouse thanks the elephant.
do you know what the moral of the story is?
if you have a big dick you dont need a Porsche
There was a plane crash and every single person dies. who didnt die that was on the plane?
ANSWER: ALL THE MARRIED ONES
GET IT every SINGLE person dies!!
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs". The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids". The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
My Preacher said this two Sundays ago.
Forrest Gump dies and goes before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter says to him, "You will have to answer three questions before you can enter into Heaven." Forrest says I didn't know that, but what are the three question?" Saint Peter says, "The first one is; What two days of the week start with the letter T. The second one is; How many seconds are there in a year. The third one is; What is God's name." Forrest Gump says, "I need some time to think on these questions" Saint Peter says' "you have a week to do so." A week later Forrest Gump again stands before Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Do you have the answers to the questions?" Forrest says, "I do." Saint Peter says, "What are the answers to the questions. Forrst says, "The two days of the week that start with the Letter T are today and tomorrow." Saint Peter says' "Well I wasn't too specific so that will do." "What did you come up with for the second answer?" Forrest said, "That was a harder question but the answer is 12." Saint Peter says, "How did you come to that answer?" Forrest says, January 2nd, February 2nd, March" and Saint Peter stops him and says, "I get it; that is clever now what about the third one?" Forrest said; " That was an easy one. I have known that answer since I was a child. The answer is Andy." Saint Peter said, "How did you come to that answer?" Forrest said, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks to me, Andy tells me I am his own." Saint Peter says "Forrest, you may enter in but I would advise you to keep on running."