Can someone tell a joke? the funniest one gets best answer!!seriously?!


Question: u can tell it in english,french,spanish or haitian creole!!


Answers: u can tell it in english,french,spanish or haitian creole!!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

What did 50 Cent say when Eminem gave him a sweater for Christmas?

"G, you knit?"

a duck goes to an ice cream store everyday for 5 days:
day1- duck "do u have duct tape?" guy at the rgester "no."
day 2 duck "do u have duct tape?" guy "no."
day 3 duck "do u have any duct tape?" guy "if u ask me that again i'll hammer your feet in the ground!"
day 4 duck "do u have nails?" guy "no"
day 5 duck "do u have a hammer?" guy "no" duck "In that case, do u have any duct tape?"

One day, a Chinese walked into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushed over to him, and asked for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gave him a slap and said, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here".
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gave Spielberg a slap and said, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship".
Shocked, Spielberg replied, "It was the iceberg that sank the
Ship, not me".
The Chinese replied, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same".

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in
the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Blonde #1 said, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Blonde #2 replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down
Two blondes were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Q: How Do You Confuse A Dumd Blond?
A: Put Her In A Room Shaped Like A Circle And Say Go Sit In The Corner

Three Women in Mexico
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama (Tuscaloosa of course) and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures
her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her
several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time
choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks
what size curtains she needs.The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen
inches." "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small. What room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her
computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need
curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo .... I've got Windoooooows!"

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, " do ya see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Damn!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup... nope... yup... nope... yup...."

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland, when one of the blondes read the sign, "Disneyland left".
So they went home...

theres a blonde a red head and a brunet. they are waiting in the doctors office. an older woman was sitting beside them and they were talking about being a mother and what gender they will have. the woman tells them that if your on top while having sex you will have a girl. so if your on bottom you will have a boy. the red head yells sweet! im having a girl. the brunnet responds how nice a boy. then the blonde freaks out. OH MY GOD, IM HAVING PUPPIES

a man brings home a sheep he is sleeping with to meet his wife and says i want you to meet the pig ive been f-ing she says you idiot thats not a pig he says i wasnt talking to you

what does a man call his black baby some ting wong

A woman walks into a bar and tells the barman, "I want a double entendre".

So he gave it to her.

(sorry if any one is offened no harm intended, i didnt make theseup with the exeption of the bowling ball one)

your mom's ***** is so dirty the make people eat it on fearfactor.

your so ugly when you were born the doctor slaped your mom

your mom is so old she owes jesus 5 bucks


there are two pies in an oven and one pie says to the other " sure is hot in here eh?" the other responds "holy **** a talking pie"

your mom is like a bowling ball, picked up by strange men every night, fingered in three holes, tossed to the gutter ,and always back for more.

how many newfies does it take to milk a cow?
five one to hold the utters and the other four to lift the cow up and down.

how do they make copper wire?
jews fighting over pennies

here's some:-

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

'Oh God!' she screams. 'Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!'

'Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!'

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
'What seems to be the problem?' he asks.

'I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman. 'Get it out!'

'I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.'

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

'Just an inch or two should do it,' he says.
After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way.

Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

'HOLD IT!' says the boyfriend, 'What are you doing?'

'Change of plans!,' shouts the doctor...
'I've decided to drown the little bastard!'
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Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital.

As she wasbeing given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

"Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."

"Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable."

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!"

"Ah," said the Doctor, "same problem - better health plan."
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It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

In The Supermarket

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a man I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady. "don't worry, ya ," she said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."



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