Funniest Jokes you've ever heard ??!
Question: :]
Answers: :]
Well check this out :
A girl asked her boyfriend," what do you love the most?" He sat next to her, pulled her close to him, put his arms around her and proudly said looking at her, " I love animals"
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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys` mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy`s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy`s face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing--and they think WE did it!"
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you`re stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you`re stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma`am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I`m goin` to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I`ll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy`s haircut was completed and the man still hadn`t returned, the barber said, "Looks like your dad`s forgotten all about you."
"That wasn`t my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, `Come on, son, we`re gonna get a free haircut!`"
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Usually a student is blamed if she/he fails to secure pass marks. But we, students, sometimes think that it is not the fault of a student if one fails because a year has only 365 days. Sunday - 52 Sundays in a year (they are meant for rest and watching TV) the remaining days are 313. Summer Holidays - 60 days (weather is so hot and it`s difficult to study). Eight hours of daily sleep, which means 122 days in a year what is left is 131 days. An hour, daily for conversation (man is a social being) which means 15 days. The rest are 116. Two hours every day for food and other delicacies, which means 30 days, leaving only 86. One hour for playing and other work everyday that means 15 days. The balance ? Well 71. Examination days, per year, at least 21 days . The leftover are 50. Winter vacation, festivals, parties, picnics and other holidays - 40 days What remains are 10 days. For sickness, at least 6 days. The rest 4 days - movies at least three days. The remainder is one day. Only one day left for annual days. So will our teachers kindly tell us when to study so as to fare well in exams?
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Hope you enjoyed the jokes!
Merry Xmas and a happy new year!
:)
One morning, a husband returns the boat to their
lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the
lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She
motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet
up, and begins to read her book. The peace and
solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game
Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm
reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take
you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game
Warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," said the warden and promptly
left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely
she can also think.
A young woman, holding her baby, is sitting in a train. A drunk climbs in and takes the seat opposite her. After a while he says to her "Hey! Ish that your baby?" She smiles and answers "Yes" "Sheesh!" says the drunk, "Tha's gotta be the ugliest baby I've ever seen - worra ugly effing kid that is!" He went on and like that until the next stop where he got off leaving the young woman in tears. A vicar got in and sat opposite her. Noticing how upset she was he tried to console her, but she continued to weep. Eventually he said. "Never mind, my dear. at the next stop I'll bring you a nice cup of tea from the station cafe - and while I'm there I'll get a banana for your monkey
A Chinese man and a Jewish American man were sitting opposite each other in an otherwise empty train carriage. After half an hour the Jewish man suddenly got up and punched the Chinese guy full in the face then sat back down. "What did you do that for?" asked the Chinese man. The Jewish guy replied. "That's for Pearl Harbour." The Chinese man explained that he was Chinese and not Japanese and the Jewish guy said."Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same to me, I'm sorry"
Ten minutes later the Chinese guy got up and kicked the Jewish guy hard on the chin. The Jewish guy said, "What did you do that for? I said sorry." The Chinese guy replied. "That's for the Titanic." The Jewish guy replied. "That was sunk by an iceberg." The Chinese guy said, "Icebergs, Goldberg's you are all the same to me.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were on a camping trip. On the first night they were lying in their camp beds and looking up. Holmes said, "Look at the stars Watson, imagine the vastness of space and the millions of stars that we can see. What does that mean to you?
Watson replied, " Well it shows the insignificance of man and the power of the almighty who created such a wondrous universe"
"No Watson" Holmes retorts,"It means our bloody tent has been stolen!"