10 Points to the best joke...?!
Question: 10 points to the Best joke that can cheer me up... just no health jokes, not today please! Thanks Y!
Answers: 10 points to the Best joke that can cheer me up... just no health jokes, not today please! Thanks Y!
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
yo mom so nasty she brings her own crabs to the beach lol
What do you call a french man in sandals?
ans: Phillipe flopp
what do you call a hot girl in Michigan?
a visitor
what do you call a dog with no legs?
doesn't matter, call him anything you like---he won't come anyways...
where do you find a dog with no legs?
wherever you left him...
What happened when your mom stood on the scale??? It said "To be continued"
When your mom said around the house... She Set AROUND the house.....
Here are some off the internet....... http://mywebpages.comcast.net/mykel1/yom...
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pantsand all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other over 25 cents
"Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
what do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
last year's hide-n-seek winner.
The blonde couldn't call 911 because she couldn't find the 11 button on the phone.
What does the blonde say when she walks up to the YMCA?
" Look they spelt MACYS wrong "
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mamma's so stupid i let her hold my phone ane she started shavin cuz i told her it was my new razor.
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
They're almost all sci-fi jokes......hope you like sci-fi!
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Star Wars
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke are at a Chinese restaurant. Luke is having problems using the chopsticks. Ben says 'Use the Forks, Luke'!
What did the alien say to the gardener?
Take me to your weeder!
Stargate
How many McKays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1 (if it's Rodney), but he'll need at least 3 people to yell at while he's doing it.
Stargate
Nox, nox!
Who's There?
(Sigh) Never mind.......
Stargate
How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven: five to worship it as a god of light; one to point out that if it WAS a god of light, it's now a dead, false god; and one to go against convention and change the lightbulb himself.
How many Goa'uld does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to order the Jaffa to change it for them and another to execute the Jaffa after the job's done.
How many Tok'ra does it take to change a light bulb?
One: he'll call the Tau'ri to have them change the light bulb, but won't tell them what they're there to do until they get there.
How many Asgard does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to beam it out of the socket, and another to clone the old bulb so the first can beam the new copy into place.
How many Ancients does it take to change a light bulb?
None: no respectable Ancient would interfere in the affairs of mortals.
How many Priors does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it must be the will of the Ori that it be changed.
How many Ori does it take to change a light bulb?
One, so long as the Tau'ri can figure out a way to build a quantum light bulb that the little glowy bugger can't get out of easily
Star Wars
Did you hear what happened to the spoon?
No, what?
It became one with the forks!
Star Wars
What's the name of the nastiest alligator in the universe?
Darth Gator!
Reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic:
Titanic may be big, but it doesn't have hyper drive.
Star Wars has WAY better action figure potential.
Yoda could use the Force to just lift Titanic out of the water.
Leia is a princess, a senator, a diplomat, a freedom fighter, a brilliant strategist, and Jedi material; Rose is just cute marriage bait.
Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge couldn't say "WOW! Look at the size of that thing!" with any sincerity.
It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by an evil madman with a light saber as opposed to an idiot with a handgun.
A. Titanic is egalitarian in that it portrays poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to the rank of Admiral.
B. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
We know Cal is the bad guy because he greases his toupee, sneers at the poor, and treats his fiancé like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he wears an ominous, voluminous black cape and mysterious mask, strangles people with a glance and blows up entire planets for sport.
Yeah, okay, so Leo can dance...but can he fly an X-wing?
People have never lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.
Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
Two words: Harrison Ford
There are always more than enough escape pods in Star Wars.
Do you have any idea what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?
If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would either . . .
A: Cut himself free with his light saber;
B: Use the Force to get the key; or
C: Han Solo would come in at the last second and blast the cuffs off.
"I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie."
We all knew the boat was going to sink, but who was ready for "No. . . I am your father"?
Han Solo would've missed that dang iceberg!
Han, though frozen solid in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament, returns in excellent health to mount a successful mission against the Empire on Endor, crushing the enemy and single-handedly paving the way for a brilliant air campaign which results in the destruction of the Empire's second attempt at a Death Star, AND claims the heart of his woman with whom he will live happily ever after. Jack, on the other hand, simply freezes.
Star Trek
Q: How many ears does Spock have?
A: Three. Left ear, right ear and the final front ear
Stargate
A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose.....drips.
Star Wars
Top Ten Reasons Why Star Wars Characters are Better
10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp -- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie.
8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh -- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7. One word: Light saber
6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance
5. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is "M" class or not.
4. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters
3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I"
1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.
Star Wars
Q: What goes ha-ha-ha-thump?
A: A droid laughing its head off.
Star Wars
Q: Which Star Wars character uses meat for a weapon instead of a Light saber?
A: Obi Wan Baloney.
Star Wars
On May 4th I always tell people
"May the fourth be with you".
It only works once a year, but you'll have plenty of time to practice to duck.
Star Wars
Duct tape is EXACTLY like the force. it has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
Six ways you know you're lost...
#1 When you're fighting the Enterprise for a parking space
#2 When you look out your window and see a black hole
#3 If you roll down your window to ask for directions and you get beamed up
#4 The folks in the 'ship next to you are pale greenish, have stringy white hair, and are licking their lips at the sight of you
#5 The bumper sticker in front of you says BEEN 2 ROSWELL
#6 The sign ahead says, 'Thanks For Visiting The Milky Way. Come Again.'
Stargate
How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. McKay to complain about having to change the light bulb, Zelenka to say his family didn't have electricity and Sam to threaten McKay with a lemon and actually change the light bulb!
Stargate
How many SG teams does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the light bulb and five to rescue the first team!
Stargate
How to get an alien device to work:
Thor: Beam it up, study it, decide it's hazardous and get help from the humans.
Vala: Kick it.
O'Neill: Get Carter.
Jackson: Read the label.
McKay: Complain about it till someone threatens him and then get it working in three minutes.
Star Trek
The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "Kick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing"
Star Trek
Bumper Stickers Seen on the U.S.S Enterprise
."Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
"One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
"HONK if you've slept with Capt. Kirk!"
"Guns don't kill people... Phasers do!"
"Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
"CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
"If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
"Have you hugged a Tribble today?"
Dr. McCoy: "Do you serve crabs here?"
Mess officer: "We serve anybody. Sit down."
Mr. Spock: "What is the formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er...apple or blueberry, sir?"
What do you call two Science Officers having an argument?
Science Friction
Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then a Italian asks the nearby Blonde in the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ?
Blonde : Two miles ..
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?
Blonde : Downwards ...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::...
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.
That was my best shot , lets see what u got !
Cheers !
hey i wanted to answer your question but i read Cubana's joke and that just shot down my blonde joke by a long shot.
It goes like this, How do you get a one armed blonde who is hanging on for dear life to let go.
answer......wave
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
So the bartender asked,
"Doesn't that bother you?"
"Arr!It's driving me nuts!!"
I love the joke section in yahoo answers. I've posted this before, lets see who else hasn't seen this. Have a good laugh!
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
THE 2ND AFFAIR
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
THE 6TH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
========
CHINESE PROVERBS
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run behind car gets exhausted.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man with one chopstick goes hungry.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. <
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fight with wife all day gets no piece at night.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
========================
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
***
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
***
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
***
Young son:
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
***
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
***
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence
***
Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
***
First guy:
"My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
***
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop
with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,
"If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
================
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish........49
Adventurous.......Slept with everyone
Athletic.........flat chested
Average looking...........Ugly
Beautiful..............Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...On medication
Feminist..........Fat
Free spirit........Junkie
Friendship first......Former $lut
Fun.......Annoying
New-Age.....Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned........No BJs
Open-minded.......Desperate
Outgoing.......Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.......Sloppy drunk
Professional.........B7tch
Voluptuous.........Very Fat
Large frame...........Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...........Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
When she says=She actually meant…
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
11. My best friend showed me the diamond ring her husband gave her. = Buy me a ring that’s more expensive than hers.
12. I need to change the curtain = I want to buy new curtain, a new couch to match it, and living room make over.
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Yo momma so hairy that her niples have little afro's.
you are