Leave A Joke Please...x?!
Question: Leave A Joke And Ill Pick The Best One =D xx
Answers: Leave A Joke And Ill Pick The Best One =D xx
a man was driving along a country road and accidentally crashed into a rabbit that dashed out suddenly from the bushes. he pulls over and runs out to check the condition of the rabbit. to his dismay the rabbit was dead. being an animal lover, he felt terrible and sat next to the rabbit and cried.
a woman who saw this stopped her car and asked the man, " are u alright? what's the matter?"
the man replied, " i really blame myself for causing this rabbit's death!"
the woman said, " don't worry, i think i can help you out!"
having said that, she moves over to her car, walks back to the man and rabbit with a can of spray, and sprayed its contents onto the rabbit. almost immediately, the rabbit springed back to life, hopped 5 feet into the grasses, then stopped and waved at them; then hopped another 5 feet and stopped to wave at them... repeating this act till the rabbit was out of sight.
the puzzled and astonished man asked the woman, " that was awesome! how did u manage to bring the rabbit back to life? and why did it stop and wave to us each time?"
the woman turned the spray can so that the man could read the label which says " spray that revives dead hair; adds permanent wave"
I posted this yesterday but incase you didn't see...
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
(keep going)
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuc k him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Here it is......(from India)...
A Man to God
Man:"Give me a bag full of money, a job and a vehicle full of girls"
God replies:"Tathaastu puttar" {so it be, my son}
and made him a bus conductor of BEST ladies special bus!
moral: be specific on your requirement always........
What is the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-Hurty
?
Memory Problems
An old couple had been having memory problems, so they went to their doctor. The doctor said it was due to old age. So the next night they were watching tv when the husband got up to get some ice cream. He asked if the wife would like any. She said, "Yes, vanilla, with whipped cream, and a cherry. Are you sure you don't want to write ths down?" He said he was fine. 30 minutes later he came back with a plate. On it was bacon, eggs, and a pear. The wife had a weird/mad look on her face. The husband says, "Whats the matter?" The wife replies ,"You forgot my toast!"
It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"
"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"
The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."
Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"
The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"
The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.
Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.
"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"
This is supposedly a true story!
A teacher noticed one of her 7 year old boys writhing and fidgeting in his desk. She asked him what the matter was.
He whispered to her that he'd just been circumcised. Embarrassed and flustered, she send him to the principle.
Five minutes later the boy comes back with his manhood/boyhood fully exposed.
"Johnny did you not go to the principle?" she screamed.
"Yes miss. He said I'd just have to stick it out 'till lunchtime!"
So this guy goes to the doctor.
Doctor - What ever is wrong?
This guy - I keep on forgetting stuff!
Doctor - And...?
The guy - I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I HAVE AMNESIA!
Q-Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A-Because he was dead!
Q=-Why w3as the monkey dead?
A-Because he fell out of a tree!
So a lawyer and an Arabic were travelling on a plane.
Lawyer - Let's play a game.If I get an answer correctly,you pay me 5 bucks.If you get an answer correctly,I pay you 50 bucks.Okay?
The Arabic said okay and they started playing.
Lawyer - What country did what man discover more that 500 years ago?
The Arabic gave the lawyer 5 bucks.
Lawyer - Is it ever possible that dogs will wear clothes?
The Arabic gave the lawyer 5 bucks.It was now his turn.
Arabic - What goes up the hill on 1 leg,down on 3 legs and then does a dance?
The lawyer thought for a moment,make that an hour and then gave the Arabic 50 bucks.
Lawyer - Then what's the answer?
Without saying a word,without even looking up,the Arabic gave the lawyer 5 bucks.